Return Harsh Words with Understanding
Have you ever noticed that when your partner is having a bad day, or dealing with some internal conflict, that you seem to be the target of undeserved harshness? How you handle this can either lead to greater understanding, or it can absolutely make the situation worse for both of you.
Of course it’s natural to become defensive when you feel that you are being attacked by another person. You’re human, and harsh words can make you feel like you’re being treated as an enemy! And what do enemies do – they fight with one another. When you’re feeling that your friend or partner is treating you this way, you are subject to feeling unloved at the same time. It feels hurtful, and you might strike back or even recoil in a self-protective stance.
It might be better if you don’t react at all for a few minutes, and take a position of listening to what the other person is saying. In most circumstances, if the person sounds very angry and charged with emotion, it may not be about you at all. Even though it’s hard to do, you might notice first that your friend or partner is in emotional pain. Someone you love is in emotional pain. Instead of getting defensive, you might ease the situation by listening and asking more questions for clarification, and finding ways to help.
You don’t have to be a saint to be able to do this, you just need to believe that the harsh words are not about you, but about the person speaking them. Harville Hendrix, the creator of Imago theory, teaches that even our accusations about other people tend to be about the parts of yourself that you do not acknowledge. For example, if someone is calling you “controlling” they may have an issue with control themselves. If they are calling you “stupid” – then most likely, they have issues with their own security about their intelligence (maybe they were called stupid by a critical parent when they were children). Understanding this clearly, can help you stay calm in the wake of the angry outburst.
Understanding that your partner or friend has “issues” as we all do, can help you to learn more about them and what they need. Even though this is sometimes akin to trying to hug a porcupine, it helps to praise people in the exact area that they seem to have issues with in other people. They are giving you a window into what they need most. For example, those who tend to call others “stupid” need praise when you notice that they have figured out a problem and successfully solved it. A carefully placed “Wow, that was great how you did that – you are really smart!!” can help someone stop calling you and others “stupid.”
This follows for someone calling you lazy, uninterested, selfish, etc. You can actually help other people become more confident and in turn they can become better people and better friends and partners for you. The next time it happens, take your time and think about what is really going on. It will help you to not take messages from others so personally, and it will help with your own emotional development.
Please call on me if you’d like some individual or couples help.
Judith L. Allen, Ph.D.
AskDrAllen at Ingenio
Clinical Member AAMFT, ISMHO, APMHA