"He Should Know!" Famous last words by women who don't understand men.
Women tend to think idiosyncratically, in that they believe and assume that their male partners feel and think in the same way as their women friends.
Misunderstandings take place when women think in some of the following ways:
- When a woman feels that the balance of chores is uneven, she might think he should just help without being asked. (He should know!)
- When a woman is doing all the cooking, she may feel that her partner should jump in and take a turn. (He should know!)
- When a woman wants to be taken out, is tired of staying home all the time, and not doing anything fun, she may expect that her husband will understand and come up with some fun things to do. (He should know!)
- When a woman is down emotionally, and can’t express what she needs, she may expect that her husband will notice her silence, see her sad expression, and ask “Anything I can help with?” (He should know!)
- When a woman has a bad day at work or home with the kids, she might expect that her partner will see the look on her face and understand that it would help to sit her down, get her coffee, and let her talk for awhile. (He should know!)
- When a woman is upset that her partner is too involved with other interests and has been neglecting her, she might expect that if she becomes distant and silent, that he’ll realize what he’s doing and change his behavior and attention. (He should know!)
Yes, there might be a man here and there who has the sensitivity you’re seeking, but by and large, each man you are with needs help in learning what you want, what your expressions mean, what your silence means, what your needs are, what you like and don’t like, etc. Most men are eager to please, if only you’d give them instructions about what makes you happy.
If you’re reading that last paragraph, thinking “He should know!” – believe me that he doesn’t. Try an experiment for a week, asking your partner for each thing you want from him, and see what changes in your relationship. Be sure to ask for your needs to be met in a straightforward and respectful way.
Two ways to make your needs known to your partner:
- “Sweetheart, I love flowers, would you bring me some this week?”
- "John, you never surprise me with flowers like other men do, what’s wrong with you?"
The first way of asking is the best, of course. And the second way, which is commonly used, does get information across, but in such a negative and blaming way, that the hurt it causes overrides the information you’re trying to impart. Starting with the faulty belief that “He should know!” leads to hurt feelings that often get translated into blame as a self defense. Why not try it out for a week, and see how it works.
Oh, one last piece of advice; don’t think that he’ll remember what you tell him on the following week. Be sure to ask just as kindly as you did the first time.
If I can help you on an individual basis with relationships or any personal concern you’re facing, my contact information is below.
Judith L. Allen, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC, AAMFT
http://Ingenio.com/AskDrAllen
http://www.liveadvice.com/counseling-therapy/
30 Minute Counseling Call for $60 at 1-888-693-8437 Ext. 02191962
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