preparing to let go of a loved one
Two years ago we brought my dad home from the hospital - pre-hospice. It is not cancer he has but a rare disease called Inclusive Bodily myosistis. A chemical inbalance in the brain that deterioates the voluntary muscles. (I won't go into the details as I posted it in the past).
I volunteer to do the overnight with him every Wednesday. It gives my the opportunity to spend quiet time with him while my mom gets a night to sleep in her bed. My mom explained to me last night that he's been asking to get back into bed earlier than usual. He said he feels BLAH! I believe he is bored and tired. Tired of having us take care of him everyday. I actually look forward to it. It's special time for me - as I tell him the tales of the week and the projects I take on. We laugh as I tell him I don't need a man to survive - and he says (now you have to read lips with him as he only has a voice when he is on the ventilator). "that's means this time around your marry because he'll take care of you - and it will be an equal relationship." I know he knows he taught me to be a survivor - as he has shown us over the last two years.
I have noticed as my spirituality has grown over the past 10 years (I am not psychic like the rest of you but I believe I am starting to tap into it). I feel things. Last Fri I had a really sore throat that felt like my throat was closing up. After half a day - I said " It's pop isn't it Lord? I called my mom and that was the day Pop started feeling blah. That went away and since then I have had a thickening in the top of my throat since Sat. Well, lo and behold - everynight when pop goes on the vent his secretions are ... let's just say you can't figure out where they are coming from, and they are at the site of the treak. Well last night he woke every hour with mouth secretions. Something that hasn't happened since he started receiving a very small dose of morphine each night.
I did notice his breathing has changed - The hard part is I'm not sure if it gets worse because he panics or if he really finally preparing to let go. He's not in any pain except an occassional problem with his feeding tube. Someting I thank the Lord for everyday.
This I do know - I am a truly lucky person - I have gotten to spend quality one on one time with my pop the last two years. Everyday that I get to spend the time with him and see him mouth "I love you and thank you" brings my heart joy. When we were growing up (I'm #3 of 13) it was very difficult for him to say those words - SO to be able to experience it now is so uplifting and gives me a reason to put other plans on hold to spend time with him. I am very grateful the Lord has given us this time with him - I jhave learned so much. Many people never have the opportunity to share an experience like this with a loved one before they leave us. So no matter when he decides he is ready - I too am ready - I know I will be the one he speaks through from the other side - as I have experienced many things while staying overnight with him - I've shared them with him as he just rolls his eyes and agrees that I am crazy - But I see it in his eyes and in his smile that he knows too I am not crazy - just the very "different" child from the rest of his clan - that shares a special bond with her pop.