Are you coming out of a failed relationship? I’d like to think there are no failed relationships. Of course the mere fact that the relationship is over means that it failed, at least to one of you. But ultimately, don’t we learn something from every relationship? So, like everything else – failure is a relative perspective.
What is a “failed” relationship anyway? A relationship that ended of course… a relationship that didn’t work out… a relationship that failed to meet expectations. Wow… failed to meet expectations. That’s the issue isn’t it? How many times do we enter into a relationship where we have expectations? OK, OK… I know no one expects (hopefully) that their partner will cheat on them, but it happens. But infidelity is not the biggest reason relationships end – poor communication is. So, going into the relationship with expectations is a very bad start in the first place.
In a way it’s understandable though, our parents clearly taught us that love is conditional didn’t they? You knew things would go better for you if you brought home a D instead of that F. You knew what would disappoint your dad, or make your mom angry. And to maintain their love you strived to meet their expectations – their conditions. That is the same love you bring into our own relationships, because that is the love you were taught.
What’s the first expectation of love? When we say “I love you” to someone, what is the only thing we want to hear back in return? We naturally want to hear back, “I love you too”. We need to hear that so much we will do and say anything; we will become anyone so the other will love us. And we will continue being something untrue to our Self until shortly before the relationship is over.
I say we will continue until relationship is over because we will shape and reshape our self through the entire relationship all the while regretting (at least subconsciously) the loss of our real self. Resentful that our partner has taken all the wonderful things that we have done or become for them for granted. Then one day months or even years down the road we grow weary of being something our soul did not mean for us to be and we give up on reshaping our self. Until one day our partner looks over at us and says; “You’ve changed! I don’t even know who you are anymore!”.
This is one of the reasons we are told we must first love our self before anyone can expect to love us. Another reason we should love our self is so that we learn to how to love another. As Neil D. Walsh writes in Conversations with God; “… It’s all very romantic to say, she completes me, but is far better in reality to be able to share your complete self with her …”. We must first know and love how we are, so that we can bring that person into the relationship. Don’t give of yourself 100%. Because if you do that you will have nothing else to give. Rather I say, share yourself 100%. Don’t enter into a relationship expecting to be filled or to be completed. No one else in this world can complete you because you are already made as a whole being by your creator. If you don't know that, then you must first learn that.
We must become in our love more self centered. That is not to say selfish, but we must bring our true self to the relationship. Firemen do not flee a building about to collapse because they are afraid to die (that is not the only reason anyway), no they flee because they know that if they DO die then they will not be able to do what they are meant to do. The same can be said for love. If you do not take care of your own soul, you will never be able to offer that soul to another. And in love it is (or should be) more of an offering then a sacrifice.
And when you come to that table of offering, wear your best clothes. Do not come to the table of love tattered and worn. When you love, love so that you may know the best possible self that you are. Do not come to love expecting to find in another the best possible relationship between two souls.
And when you come to the table of love, remember that love is sacred. So often we hear it said that God is Love. Love is the highest feeling we can have. It is a core emotion, and it is the language of the soul. If you are speaking in such terms you are speaking in divine terms, do not let it get lost in confusion and expectations or conditions. Love for loves sake.
And when you feel that you cannot express or share of this higher self to another, then it is time to leave the table. This is not a failure. You have shared, or tried to share of your grandest Self; there is no shame in that. If someone else has come to the table in disguise, this too is not your failure. Learn from these loves so that when you next share of your Self, you will know better the signs of the deceiver.
Love has no beginning and it has no end. Love lives in you as assuredly as does your breath. And as your breath does keep you alive, so let your love do also.
Bright blessings ~ Richard |