Emotional & Spiritual Health for Living ~

One woman said “I met this guy I really like and he says he likes me but he’s not ready to be in a relationship. We talk everyday and go to dinner and spend time together. But I’m confused and don’t understand what he means. How should I deal with this?”

The fact is these two people ARE in a relationship. What we label such an ongoing friendship is of little significance. The issue was that she was experiencing a desire to be close and committed while he was not. Her tendency, as is with many women, was to give the guy what he wanted, the benefits of a ‘love’ relationship, without his making any overt or covert promises about tomorrow! Not the kind of situation that allows one who is seeking a long-term love, most often the woman, to feel ‘safe’, loved and protected!

While initially both people may feel good with this ‘non-relationship’ idea, most often feelings begin to change fairly quickly for one or both. One or both of the pair will within a few weeks to months find their feelings/ desires/ needs changing. And those wishing to ‘hang their hat’ on such an open-ended, momentary and fluid connection, will be soon disappointed.

Never mind all the protests to the contrary, a romantic relationship without intention to commit is like a meal at McDonald’s. It’s easy to come by, costs little, tastes great in the moment of hunger, but does little to sustain the body, and a steady diet of such leads to ill-health, emotional health in this case. Put another way, a relationship with benefits but without a commitment, is as realistic as a paycheck with no work. Something for nothing.

Yet just as this doesn’t work economically (for long) neither will it work for long emotionally. Fact is there can be no love relationship for long without someone DOING something. Let me rephrase that, there is no love until there is a commitment, until there is an effort being exerted by both people! Real love does not take advantage of another. So while it is easy for some to say “I love you” the words are meaningless without the ‘work’ of love. After all, as I have written elsewhere, and others have as well, real love IS work! In fact in marriage, while the newly weds believe themselves to know what love is, the truth is not realized until they have gotten past the euphoria, the bliss of the honey-moon and settle down to dealing with life on a day to day basis. That is where we learn that love takes a commitment if it is going to last.

The work of love is when we find ourselves in the position of having to sacrifice, to forego something we would like to have or do, solely for the happiness of the other. Whether that is something as simple as going with them to a concert we don’t like, or standing by them while they are ill. It’s been said that LOVE is a VERB, more than it is a noun. It is action! With no action to show our love, there is only talk. And as we all know, talk is cheap.

Getting back to the McDonald’s (fast food) analogy, there is a tendency in our culture to want to believe that “we can have it our way”. Never mind human nature. The tendency seems to be to think we can make anything work our way. Then we figure out as others did long before us, that the wheel really doesn’t work too well with square corners, it MUST, after all, be round. With a faster and faster pace to life, we think that we can do all things faster, including relationships. So we get in a hurry to find the right relationship, the right person, and try to fit square people into round relationships. Also we get scared we won’t ‘find the right person’, or that we won’t find ANY one to love us. Many begin to think they are unlovable because they have met so many potential partners that would not commit! These are all lies that cause us to put even more pressure on ourselves to try harder which is never the solution. The real issue is usually otherwise. Finding the ‘right’ person is less about them and more about OUR being the right person. When we like, value and appreciate ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses, and can be honest about them and still value (love) ourselves, we are in a much better position to find the Other that can and will love and value us.

Often those seeking and not finding satisfying relationships have not learned to relate well to themselves. We seek someone to fill the void, to make up for the insecurity we have in ourselves when that is not possible. Others cannot make us whole. We each must recognize our shortcomings and take responsibility for them honestly.

Many of those that are frustrated in these faux relationships are in a rush, wanting to get the happy meal and be on their way. We sometimes see a relationship as another ‘object’ to decorate our lives. We get the job we want, then the car, then the house or apartment we want, now all we need is someone to share it with and have a love relationship. This can be a real discount of our self in that we don’t consider our real needs, desires and WHO we are. Taking time to get to know and understand ourselves seems foolish to most people until they are in serious emotional turmoil.

Unfortunately, what most that find themselves confused in such a non-relationships do not want to hear is that they may be being taken advantage of. Don’t be afraid to consider this. It happens to many. Not because that is necessarily the design of the other person, but usually because the one wanting more has been willing to settle for less in hopes that more will come if she just keeps giving. Too much time spent in that situation can leave one very hurt, angry, bitter and untrusting for when the right person shows up.

Finally, a few suggestions for those that find themselves in such non-relationships.