Being Gay or Lesbian isn’t easy. As David Letterman is fond of saying “I wouldn’t give this to a monkey on a rock!” And I certainly don’t think anyone would purposefully put themselves through such a hardship at such a young age if they truly had a choice at all.

In fact, it’s a sure path toward  a life-time of certain rejection, anxiety and stress in most cases.

The cause?

There are many, however  Homophobia is at the top of the list. Homophobia is the irrational judgment and fear of Gay and Lesbian people. It can lead to discrimination, stereotyping and even, violence. Remember  Matthew Shepard?  Homophobia hurts everyone,  Gay and straight alike. Some people struggling with being Gay or Lesbian are also having to struggle with what I call “internal homophobia“. They worry and stress over disappointing their families or friends simply because they are gay. They may feel they are less valuable than others, or that being gay is wrong.

It’s simply not true.

It is not a lifestyle choice and contrary to what most bible thumpers would have you believe, it was not a choice at all. You were born gay and that’s just the way it is.

You had no more of a choice in being gay than your family members had in being straight.

Be proud of who and what you are. Celebrate the fact you are unique and have so much to offer this world.

I have been compelled to write this article in light of a conversation I recently had with someone through my telephone advice service (Click on the link for more information) who has been struggling for more then 25 years with this issue. He comes from a devout Mormon family and has learned to be ashamed, fearful, afraid and ultimately exhausted of the rejection for who and what he truly is.

It made me angry.

Homophobia is a fear based thought process. We fear that which we do not understand.

One of the best ways to change people who are homophobic is to give them a chance to know a variety of Gay and Lesbian people. This is also a good way to work with internal homophobia. Support groups and connection to the Gay and Lesbian community can help people identify with others and feel good about who they are. Once people are comfortable with who and what they are, they usually stop persecuting others for being different. It’s all about loving one’s self.

Being a gay man or women is not a crime, it’s not a sin. However, discrimination, stereotyping and violence against people who are gay, lesbian or just different from you is ignorance. We are one people. Not black, not white, not brown. We are all human. My heart beats just like yours.

Why can’t we just all get along?

When you love yourself for who and what YOU are, you tend not to care about who and what someone else is all about.

Being who and what you are is a normal part of life.

You are YOU!

No one is perfect and being straight doesn’t’ make you any closer to being perfect either.

It’s important to note that in every culture, past and present, there have been same-sex relationships. Your sexuality does not make you a freak. In fact, your sexuality is but a very tiny part of what makes you … you! Sexual identity is as unique as each individual. One person’s may be very stable. Another may change over time. Changes from straight to gay or from gay to straight, tend to come uninvited. Studies show that people who go through programs to change sexual orientation (such as the Mormon faith based program called “Evergreen”) may actually be harmful and NOT achieve the change they were after in the end.

Gay and Lesbian people are all ages. They come from all ethnic backgrounds, socioeconomic classes and educational levels. They are currently leading the country in the Senate and House of Representatives.  They are Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers, Law makers, State Governors, Mayors and even your next door neighbors and YES, they even sit next to you in church!

Studies have proven time and again that many people who identify as heterosexual, or straight, have same-sex fantasies or experiences no different then the one’s people usually have. It’s true that being Gay or Lesbian is less common then being straight. The figures and percentages varies from study to study but on the low end it’s around 5% and on the high end about 15% of the world population is Gay or Lesbian. However, this in NO WAY means it’s not normal.

Left-handed people are a minority, but this doesn’t mean they’re abnormal either.

No matter where you come from, you’ve had contact with Gay and Lesbian people. There is no specific way  that Gay and Lesbian people act, look, or dress. You can’t tell just by looking if someone is Gay no more then you can tell just by looking if someone is Catholic. The experts believe that homosexuality is genetic. However,  they are still working on the scientific proof to support those claims. Same sex attractions seem to come from a mix of biology and environment. They are NOT the result of poor parenting, sexual abuse or childhood problems. The sex you have is only one part of a persons life. Most people spend a lot more time doing other things.

Allowing yourself to be defined as a person based on your sexuality is a big mistake. It’s like defining someone by the pants they have on or the shoes they wear.

The clothes are not the person.

Just be you.

You want people to get to know who and what you really are inside. Who you sleep with really shouldn’t matter to anyone else.

The bottom line is:

…that being Gay or Lesbian is a stressful experience by it’s very nature. It just is what it is. You can’t please everyone, nor should you ever try. But, there are many things you can do to help reduce the stress and anxiety you may deal with everyday as a Gay or Lesbian person.

An integral being knows without going, sees without looking, and accomplishes without doing.

– Lao Tzu

First…

Simply accept who you are.

Just be you and be happy being you. Whatever that may be. When you try to convince other people or control what they think about you, you waste a ton of energy needlessly. Stop wasting energy worrying what others think about you and who you are. Learn to just live your life and love every moment. Life is shorter than you think. There is no point in wasting so much time and effort on a task which ultimately can never be controlled by you. People are going to think what ever they want.  Some people will love you no matter what. Some people will hate you no matter what, Most won’t care at all one way or the other. Especially with the younger, more educated generations. The interesting thing is that you have no control over this. So release it and let it go. Learn to consciously accept situations, people, events and the circumstances as they occur each and every day. Stop trying to change what you have no control over.

Learn to love yourself, respect yourself and live the very best life you possibly can.

  • There is no good news or bad news, ….only news.  Reality is an interpretation. How you choose to interpret the news you hear is up to you. I have personally seen this one simple concept change peoples lives. Did you know that when someone give us some news, you are in control of weather  you perceive it as good or bad?  You do. Just imagine if you could consciously choose to perceive what you hear as only news, information and nothing more. Then you could calmly react to the situation at hand and make inform decisions. Many times especially with very emotional people, (which Gays and Lesbian’s usually are) we react without  really thinking about the situation at hand. This can cause extreme  anxiety and stress most of the time needlessly. So avoid the knee-jerk reaction to hearing some new information.
  • Learn to be at peace in the knowledge that there is a hidden meaning behind all life events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution. Think about that one for a moment. It’s a very powerful thing to fully understand and embrace in one’s life. (Notice that in the word “Evolution” is the word “Love” spelled backwards.)
  • Make decisions in your life based on what works for you. You don’t have to follow anyone else’s agenda, advice or pressures.
  • Come out to yourself first.  Learn to be comfortable with you before you tell the world about your most intimate quality.
  • When coming out, tell only 1 or 2 close friends first. Realize that some will have that knee-jerk reaction to the news they are hearing. Allow them to react  as they may. Don’t judge them, even if they are trying to judge you. Be calm. Understand that shocking news can sometimes cause people to do and say things they don’t really mean. Time heals most wounds.
  • When coming out to your family, pick the family member you most trust to come out too first. Ask for their help and guidance in the manner in which to tell the rest of the family. Also remember that you DO NOT have to tell your family. This is a personal decision that only you can make based on the many factors surrounding your situation. Do what works for you. Do only what you are most comfortable with at a time when you are most comfortable doing it. There are no rules here. Just be yourself, be honest and do what works for you.
  • Learn tolerance. Be tolerant of other people who may not be accepting of you or be well educated about Gay and Lesbians. A lack of education is the number one cause of discrimination in this country. When people are educated about a certain topic, they understand, the fear goes away, they learn to have compassion, they accept and aren’t afraid. Realize that people who are homophobic are simply afraid because they are uneducated on the subject. Love them, accept them and show them compassion for not knowing any better.
  • Learn not to judge. Let people be. The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino In Las Vegas has a huge sign above it’s door that I just love.    It reads “Love All… Serve All.”

And so it should be.

Because the ultimate truth is that it doesn’t matter who you love or what you love, as long AS you love.

If you, or someone you know is struggling with this issue and you need someone to talk too, please visit our resources page or give me a call for some one on one guidance.