If you are just learning to live in the present moment, it takes a while to get the hang of leaving the past and the future alone. It's the ego's for confusion.
INABILITY TO COMMIT
Hi Everyone, Here's Gina Lake's latest blog post at www.radicalhappiness.com. It's an excerpt from her book Choosing Love.
INABILITY TO COMMIT
From Choosing Love: How to Find True Love and Keep It Alive by Gina
Lake, which can be purchased through Amazon.com by going to Gina's
bookstore at http://www.radicalhappiness.com/-bookstore
.
The ego doesn’t want to commit to anything—a place, a relationship, a
career—because it believes that something better may be possible, and
it’s willing to forgo what is present for the possibility of something
better that isn’t present. Essence, on the other hand, is committed to
whatever is. It doesn’t commit into the future because all that exists
is the present, so it commits itself to that. This is the essential
difference between the ego and Essence: The ego dreams of something
better in the midst of whatever is, while Essence simply enjoys and
commits attention and love to whatever is. In fact, committing
attention to anything that is present results in enjoyment. This is why
the ego enjoys so little—it commits attention to what isn’t present and
to what it doesn’t have, and suffers over that, rather than committing
attention to whatever is. It loves its fantasies, dreams, and desires
more than it loves reality.
To love, we have to fall in love with reality—with what’s true right
now, not with what might be true in the future or with what we want to
be true in the future. Love happens in the now (like everything,
really). That’s why the ego doesn’t know about love—because love is the
experience of being in the now, or the present moment, and as soon as
the ego experiences the now, it runs from it. Commitment takes a
willingness to fall in love with reality—with the real partner who is
in front of you—rather than seek something else, either actually or
through fantasy. What you commit to is what’s here right now. Who knows
what will be here next? All you ever really have is what’s here right
now, so it makes sense to commit to that, in other words, to give your
full attention—your love—to that.
Those who have difficulty committing to a relationship often have
difficulty committing to other things as well because they have an
underlying belief, or misunderstanding, that what’s here isn’t good
enough and what’s somewhere else is better. This is the ego’s basic
assumption about life: Whatever is happening now isn’t it. It is
somewhere else, with it being ultimate happiness and contentment. The
ego assumes that because it perceives whatever is happening as not good
enough, it is, in fact, not good enough, and it concludes that must
mean there’s something else that will be good enough. It imagines one
day it will find peace and happiness because life will finally line up
correctly. Those who can’t commit are waiting for life to line up, fall
into place, and they’re quite sure that doesn’t look like whatever life
looks like now.
The funny thing (or not so funny thing) is that life never does line up
for anyone, simply because the ego won’t perceive it as ever “lining
up.” It has a habit of perceiving life as imperfect, even when it’s
quite ideal. In any event, life isn’t meant to be perfect or to fulfill
the ego’s dreams and desires. It serves a higher purpose, one that has
very little to do with the ego’s fantasies. Life is essentially about
learning to love and learning a lot of other things too, and for this,
life is likely to look less than perfect to the ego.
Life brings people into our lives for various reasons, and sometimes we
have to be willing to stretch ourselves to gain what can be gained from
a relationship or tap the love that is possible. Relationships, like
life, aren’t meant to be easy, although they can be deeply rewarding.
Commitment makes it possible to tap the potential of a relationship. If
you give up on a relationship after the first blush is gone, you may
never realize this potential. Sexual union often becomes the glue that
keeps people together long enough to begin to experience true love or
learn what they need to learn from each other. Nature has a way of
bringing about spiritual lessons and spiritual growth. Sexual
attraction is one of the ways Essence brings people together and keeps
them together long enough to benefit from each other and grow.
The ego doesn’t appreciate growth, and it’s not in relationship for
that, or for love really. Its unwillingness to commit and to grow often
prevents a relationship that could be a very good one from becoming
that. It is forever chasing after the perfect “10,” which doesn’t
exist. But it’s difficult to convince the ego of that. It believes in
its fantasies. To the ego, it’s only a matter of time before “the one”
shows up. Hope springs eternal.
Essence experiences “the one” in whomever is showing up, and that’s the
difference between Essence and the ego. It’s possible to love whoever
shows up in your life. In fact, it’s very wise to do that if you want
to be happy. If you don’t want to be happy, you will reject whoever
shows up in your life. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be
discriminating. Loving and saying yes to those who show up in your life
doesn’t mean getting sexually involved with them unless you want to.
Essence says yes to them—is open to them—because it is curious. And
then it is very wise about getting more involved with them. Essence
commits itself to someone only when love is flowing in both directions
and the relationship is rewarding on many levels. The ego, on the other
hand, may commit out of sexual attraction or because some other need is
met through that relationship, which is not a good basis for commitment.
Commitment naturally flows from love and appreciation of another. It’s
the natural outcome of love. And this love is often enough to overcome
conditioning and other difficulties that might arise in the
relationship. Without love, commitment is hollow; it has no basis.
Without love, the foundation for the relationship won’t be strong
enough to weather conditioning and other difficulties.
Commitment only makes sense when there is love, but the ego isn’t
capable of love. It forms relationships based on needs, and that’s when
commitment falters. As soon as someone’s needs aren’t getting met, then
the commitment is questioned. Those who are identified with the ego
much of the time have a very difficult time committing, while those who
are identified with Essence are able to love and therefore able to
commit. Eventually everyone learns to love, but relationships can be
pretty volatile when egos are in charge. Even so, because relationships
provide the ego with many of the practical things it values—sex,
security, affection, companionship, support, and help—people who are in
relationships for egoic reasons often end up discovering love. This is
how life draws people out of the ego and into Essence.
Choosing Love will be published by Hampton Roads in 2010.
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Earthanel9250
Rene
This is a very clear article. If you understand this you can accept true love.
I hope you will embrace it
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