How to get what you want

Does the food you are eating impact your mood and why you should consider detoxing?

It was a couple weeks ago when I started feeling a little bit low. I had started feeling more tired, my joints hurt, and my muscles ached. As much as I enjoyed going to the gym, I had no energy to go. I usually eat really healthy, go to the gym often, and things are going really well in my life. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so tired and low.

Coincidentally, I wanted to try a detoxification system to cleanse my body to see how it worked out. It was something that was always on my to-do list that I never got around to doing. I had researched many programs and wanted to try one that wasn’t restrictive, didn’t make me feel deprived, or cranky.

I went down to the nearest vitamin store and looked around for detox programs that cleansed your body in addition to putting essential nutrients in my body. I was extra careful to choose a program that allowed you to eat a healthy diet and didn’t cause dehydration at the same time.

The specific detox program I finally chose had nutrients added to it like probiotics. The directions had also recommended drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day and adding more fiber to my diet. I am a little embarrassed to admit it, but I know I don’t drink as much water as I should and I could always use a little more fiber, so I gave it a try.

Within the first day of trying my new detox system, I the only difference I noticed was that my stomach hurt a little and I was frequenting the bathroom more often. Never one for giving up, I forged ahead to see if the results were as good as they claimed. The full program is 30 days long and I had wanted to see if I saw any results in the first week.

On my third day of my detox program, I went to the gym and checked my weight to see if there was any difference. I couldn’t believe I lost 3 pounds! I had originally started my detox program to help me with my digestion problems, so losing weight was a great bonus. That day at the gym, I was also really excited that I could get through most of my workout with out too much joint or muscle pain.

Still skeptical, I continued taking the herbal detox medication and going on with my regular life. I started noticing small differences- I had more of an appetite, I had more energy, and I started feeling better overall. I didn’t loose any more weight, but considering I wasn’t expecting to loose more than water weight, I was fine with that. Having more energy and feeling better was worth the risk so far.

Even though I am not finished with the month, I am excited with the results I already have and look forward to any more I might have. The best part of my experiment? I no longer felt low. Turns out that all the fiber, water, and extra nutrients helped me feel happier.

While I wouldn’t necessarily recommend a detox for everyone, look at what your eating because it might be effecting your mood. It is possible that, even if you lead a healthy lifestyle, that you may be doing something wrong with your diet if you don’t know why your feeling sad.

As always, check with your doctor first to make sure it isn’t something more serious like depression or a disease that is causing you to feel the way your feeling. If you do decide to do a detox program, research it thoroughly to make sure that it will produce results and not just hype.

So, I’m sure your all wondering why am I, a counselor, telling you about what to eat and why a detox might help? Well, I’ve talked to many people who seemed like they had everything going for them but they were still a little bit sad. Through helping them out and through my own experience, the good news is that you may not need psychotherapy for minor bouts of sadness. To reiterate, it is possible you might just need to add something to your diet that your body is lacking.

posted Thursday, November 19, 2009 9:02 AM by CounselorMeadow | 0 Comments

How do you effectively communicate your wants and needs at home? Find out now.

Mark* often worried that his relationship was uncommon. He really loved his girlfriend very much- he was even going to ask Suzie to marry him. Suzie has everything going for her- a great job, nice body, and she could even crack a great joke. In spite of all that, he has a nagging concern in the back of his head. . . . What if she’s not the one for me? She doesn’t fit my checklist. . . .  I need her, but do I really want her for the rest of my life?

Sandy was trying to figure out how to get her husband to spend more time with her and do things around the house. Both Richard and Sandy worked long hours at their respective jobs and had an active role in the community, with their friends, and with family. Naturally, they had little time left over for spending quality time together and getting things cleaned up at their home. Sandy was starting to feel frustrated and tired.

Do any of these situations sound familiar to you? All too often, communication issues can lead to dissatisfaction and an overall feeling of a loss of control over the situation. Over time, if your needs aren’t being met, you feel your confidence and self esteem decreasing.

How can you get what you want and need out of the relationship your in, in addition to the other person getting what they want and need?  Like anything else, it needs a lot of practice, persistence, and patience. I will give you a few tips that you can start using today to accomplish just that. Keep in mind that not all of my ideas will work for everyone, just as one size doesn’t always fit all. Please pick and choose the one that works for you.

The negotiation of wants and needs

The first thing I want you to do is think about what you really feel like you need but aren’t getting. If, for example, your having conflicting feelings about your significant other, what would tip you on the direction of being happy with them? Maybe you feel like you need more sex in your current relationship, or perhaps you feel like you need more emotional intimacy.  Don’t be afraid to be really honest here with yourself.

Now, I’d like you to make a list of ALL the things that are important to you in a relationship (keep in mind how that relates to other things you’ve got going on in your life as well), with 1 being the most important and the last item on the list being the least important. At which point does each item become a deal breaker in a relationship if their not being met? In other words, can you live without having X, Y, or Z?

Here’s where you start with your communication in this relationship.  Ask your partner what their priorities are in the relationship, from the couldn’t live without to maybe could live without. I know this might be a little bit difficult, but also ask them what they feel like their not getting enough of in the relationship.

The great thing about asking your partner what they want is so you can gain a better idea of their needs and wants in the relationship. They will also feel heard.

Here’s the part where the negotiations come in handy. For example, if you want more intimacy and your partner wants you to cook and clean more, would this be a fair trade off? This way, both your needs are being met.

Talking about wants and needs early on in a romantic relationship will help you determine if your compatible or not. It will also prevent any further miscommunications about what you or your partner expect out of the relationship.

Sleep on it?

Perhaps you’ve heard the debate about whether or not to finish a fight before going to bed. There have been numerous studies on this, and they all seem so conflicting. Some say finish the fight and moving on is the best technique and others say its better to wait and discuss it on a clear head. Some proponents of finishing the argument right away leads to less on going stress, while some advocate waiting to finish the fight is important because after some time apart from the fight, you are able to re-evaluate the topic a little more clearly.

Instead of making heads or tails of either argument, I actually think it would be better to do a little of both here. The main key here is to fight fairly- if your going to discuss something, talk about the topic at hand and only the topic at hand. No name calling or saying things out of spite.

Every person is a little different in each situation, so you first need to figure out their arguing style. For example, do they like to solve things quickly or do they like to think about things and decide at a later time?

If you find that you have a similar style of resolving problems, great! Your on the right start. Both of you can solve the argument at a pace that’s convenient.

On the flip side, if you find that your arguing style is completely different, you need to come in the middle here and make a compromise to make a compromise.  How do you do that, though? Well, start with telling the other person your feelings (and no blaming). For example, it can be as simple as saying, “When you forgot to pick up the milk on the way home, I don’t feel heard.”

After discussing feelings and telling them why X, Y, or Z is so important to you, let them discuss their point of view. It is important to let them feel heard too. Come back to the argument after you’ve both had some time to cool off and figure out where you want to go from here. Make a plan of action.

Regardless of you arguing style, it is important to not make rash or hasty decisions. Discuss openly feelings and thoughts about a situation at first, but hold back on making big life changing choices based on one disagreement.

Date night!

My third and final suggestion is to make a special date night every week. You may also want to have a quality talk at the end of the night just to make a connection in addition to your date- this doesn’t have to be long, it can be ten minutes.

The reason that you want to have a date night (or time with each other every night) is so that you can talk about the bigger issues. If you haven’t already asked your partner, find out what their priorities are in life. For example, are they seeking fulfillment, love, passion, creativity, inspiration, power, or happiness?  It’s ok if your priorities don’t match- you can gain some perspective on their point of view and their driving force.

On your weekly date, it is also important to dream. What do you want next week, next month, next year? While that may seem small, having a dream together will give you a common goal to work towards. You’ll be working together to get to where you want to be in life.

Having a date night where you both are talking about the future and what you want out of life is a great way to communicate your wants and needs in a constructive way.

If you feel like your still having difficulties in your relationship and getting your needs met, please contact me. I can help you out.

*Names and specific stories are fictitious.

posted Friday, November 13, 2009 6:04 PM by CounselorMeadow | 0 Comments

Relationships and Fetishes- are they mutually exclusive?

Fetishes are becoming less and less of a taboo issue these days, but for some it remains a constant struggle when it comes to long- term relationships.

I recently read an online article that described fetishism as this: ‘Fetishism is the sexual arousal brought on by any object, situation or body part not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.’ *

For those that have fetishes, whether it be a foot fetish, nylon fetish, or dominatrix fetish, telling a potential love interest about it may be a scary prospect. I’ve talked to and helped many people with this problem and we came down to three basic solutions and being able to follow through with them. If you find yourself in a situation where you have a fetish but haven’t told your partner yet, then think about all three carefully and then make your decision.

Staying in the relationship and continuing with the fetish
While some relationships can be built upon fetishes (like infantilism or S & M fetishes), others are sometimes hidden- like for example a fetish with a particular item of clothing.

For those that don’t tell their partner about their fetish right from the start, they often fear the other person’s reaction in the relationship. There is one of two possibilities in this kind of situation- either they think that their fetish is socially unacceptable and therefore unlovable, or they fear that the other person will not like it and make them give it up.

If your in a relationship and you want to tell your partner, keep in mind how important it is for you. In a win- win situation, your partner will be open about it and willing to try this with you. One way to determine what the other person potentially thinks of it, bring it up casually in a conversation. For example, “What did you think of that movie last night when that actor seemed to really enjoy the actresses feet?” Depending on their reaction, you may want to take baby steps or come out and tell them about your fetish.

While I would advocate for honest and open communication, sometime the fetish can be incorporated into the relationship without it being talked about or made an issue of. For example, if you have a foot fetish, try rubbing the other person’s feet or holding them. As a girl, I love having my feet rubbed and touched, so it would be a non- issue.

Revealing a secret like a fetish may seem intimidating- especially if you fear rejection, but keep in mind this might be a great opportunity to have your relationship develop further. If they seem into it, then you know that person is definitely worth keeping around for a while.

Keeping the fetish but not continuing in the relationship
For some people, fetishes are a part of who they are fundamentally. In one extreme, the person may think that this has made them who they are but it is really embarrassing and they really want to ‘get rid’ of it. If this is something the person really wants to do, they can do this through a series of therapy- for example desensitization. In this case, the fetish becomes a non- issue. We’ll get to this more later.

On the other hand, the fetish makes the person who they are and they couldn’t live life without it. It has been ingrained upon them and they don’t want to give it up.

When someone has such a deeply held fetish they want to keep around and they haven’t told their partner yet, the partner’s acceptance is particularly important. If it doesn’t cause harm to other people, yourself, or your regular daily life, giving it up wouldn’t make much sense anyways.

Depending on the circumstances, it may be a big surprise for your partner to find out about it and they might not understand at first. Give them time to come around and ask questions. Remember, it took some time for you to integrate this part of who you are into your lifestyle, so it may take them some time as well.

If your partner does not like your fetish and you don’t want to give it up, it is time to let go of the relationship. While this is not desirable, think about it in this way: if they can’t accept your fetish, it was never meant to be. You deserve to be in a relationship where your partner tries to understand you and loves every part of who you are.

Staying in the relationship and getting rid of the fetish
While this may also seem undesirable to some people, it may also be the only option. Really look at the fetish on a deeper level and ask yourself the following questions to see if this is the best choice for you:

• Is it interfering with your job, family life, or social obligations?
• Is it causing you to go into debt?
• Has it become an obsession for you and you think about it ALL of the time?
• Is it causing you or someone else physical harm (to the extent medical attention is needed)?
• Is it negatively effecting your life in some other extreme way?

If you said yes to any of the above questions, it is probably time to consider giving up the fetish, regardless of the relationship your in.

In most cases, I wouldn’t recommend giving up a fetish for a relationship if any of the above are not affirmative. I am a firm believer that communication is key in everything- I also believe fetishes are a part of your personality, good or bad. Perhaps this may just be a clashing of personalities if it can’t be resolved.

The only reason that I would advocate for getting rid of the fetish if none of the items in my checklist are affirmative: The person wants to get rid of it from the get- go. If the person gets rid of the fetish because the partner insists upon it, it can lead to resentment and other bad feelings.

If you still need some questions answered and need some additional coaching, give me a call. I can answer questions, role play the conversation you might have with your partner, or if you want to talk about problems in your relationship, I’m available to help.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fetishism

posted Monday, November 02, 2009 4:22 PM by CounselorMeadow | 0 Comments

A little bit about me.

Hello Everyone,

I am new to Ingenio, but I am excited to start at such a great company. I just wanted to let you all know a little bit more about me and who I am.

I have a graduate degree in social work. I am also an expert counselor in many areas like drug and alcohol counseling, motivational counseling, and financial counseling just to name a few. I really enjoy helping people get the life they really want, whether it is getting the career they want, helping with their relationship problems, or just getting out of a rut.

I personally feel no one deserves to feel like they have no control of their lives or that there is no way to get ahead. It has been my personal mission to help those around me get what they want out of life, and I know that I can do the same for you.

If you are also new to Ingenio and are a little nervous to talk to me, you can email me to start out. For those that are more confident but just need a little fine tuning in your life, calling me at first would be the perfect option- I can get you those results and answers for you that your looking for right off the bat.

I look forward to talking to you all and helping you on your life's journey,

Counselor Meadow

posted Tuesday, October 20, 2009 1:21 PM by CounselorMeadow | 0 Comments

Tips on how to get that relationship you want.

Are you feeling depressed about your romantic prospects? Well, help has come. I want to give you some tips on how to get the relationship that you want and nothing less. I'm very curious about this thing called dating. So, I've studied many books, talked to many kinds of people, and done a lot of my own research simply because I find it fascinating. On a personal note, I have many years of experience dating different kinds of people- I have been there and know what it's like.

The first thing I want you to do is to look in the mirror. Start becoming the person you would want to be around. This may be the most difficult part of the process, but it is well worth it. Be the positive, upbeat, friendly, and lively person that's just waiting to come out. You'll start noticing a difference right away- people will be a lot nicer to you as well and will notice you more.

Start exercising more and eating healthier. I don't mean to step on any toes here, but making your health a priority is not only good for yourself, but initial attraction is pretty important in a relationship, as I am sure you probably already know.

Other than exercise and eating better, perhaps it's time for a change in your wardrobe, haircut, and grooming patterns. I’m not asking you to break the bank here, but get a few pieces of clothes that are well made and of good quality. Get an honest second opinion on those new items from someone of the opposite sex just to make sure. Good, quality makeup and a quality haircut are also well worth the investment. Guys, please trim those bushy eyebrows and trim random pieces of hair (a really long hair growing out of your ear might be pretty distracting on your first date). Breath mints and a nice scent are a must as well.

Is all of this overwhelming you? Take it slow and focus on the most important things. As I've mentioned, I’ve been in many kinds of relationships. Coming from my point of view, the things that really attracted me to that person were: confidence, they look like they take care of themselves, not too much emotional baggage, and a warm heart. If you can pull those things off (which I am sure you can), then you are ready to get started.

Now it's time to make the list of what you really want. Be realistic here and don't be afraid to ask for second opinions about it. Set the standard high, but not too high. For example, a few things on my list were: they lead a healthy lifestyle, they don't feel the need to get drunk or high, they like learning, and they can laugh at themselves. I chose these things because they are all something I value. Choose the things that you value in life and look for the same qualities in your potential partner.

I will give you some quick tips on meeting people. First of all, please remember to keep up your appearances because you may never know where you might meet your love interest. Bars are not good places for long term relationship potential these days, so you need to broaden your horizons. Instead of bars, you might just find the person of your dreams in line at the grocery store or at the gym. So, remembering to wear makeup (if your a girl) to all the places you go is a good key to success. Another way to meet people is going to social events or public places that you feel comfortable at. If you like reading books, go try to meet people at the bookstore. If your into wine tasting, go to a few wine tasting events.

When meeting new people, be honest, direct, and confident. Give good eye contact, smile, and laughing at the other person's jokes are always a good way to get things started. Some people like their personal space, but some people like a small amount of touching to show that your interested. Use your judgment here- for example, touching elbows and the small of the back is OK for most people.

Now that you've gotten a first date, do something you've never done before but that you've always wanted to do. Ever wanted to go scuba diving? Take a class on your date. Or go for a hot air balloon ride. Personally, I've gone skydiving on a first date before. I don't think I will forget that anytime soon. You don't need to do those kinds of things all the time, but just do things together that you both really enjoy doing (or just want to do) is a great way to get to know each other.

Remember that meeting people is half the fun, so just remember to have a great time. I'm sure that you've heard many times that lots of people meet their partners when they least expect it or weren't looking for someone at the time. Don't feel like you have to put a time frame on love, let it come to you.

If you want more personalized advice on how to get that relationship you want or ideas on how to build a deeper relationship, please feel free to contact me.

posted Tuesday, October 20, 2009 1:19 PM by CounselorMeadow | 0 Comments