The greatest pleasure in life is giving pleasure before seeking pleasure. If your sex life is not what you would like it to be then ask yourself why?
Research indicates that when daily household chores are divided equally women report higher satisfaction in the relationships! It's a fact.
Research indicates the more men spend time listening from the heart (listening without interrupting, without giving advice, without the "fix,") women report higher satisfaction in the relationship. It's a fact.
Women are mulitorgasmic. Women have a quicker recovery rate between orgasms then men. So the first orgasm is only foreplay. Giving pleasure before seeking pleasure is the secret to a hot relationship. It's a fact.
These facts have been listed in this order for a reason. A smart person will know what to do with them.
Highly recommend a book called, "Slow Sex."
The 10 Red Flags of an Emotional Affair
10 Red Flags of an Emotional Affair
By Jeff Herring
Married people or people in serious relationships aren't immune from the human need for close, meaningful friendships. But sometimes, especially when those friendships are with people of the opposite sex, those relationships feel more like intimate companionship than bosom buddy-hood. If left unchecked, such relationships can evolve what is known as "emotional affairs."
In this gallery, syndicated relationships columnist Jeff Herring identifies 10 "red flags" that signal when a relationship is leaving "just friends" territory and veering into uncharted waters.
Red Flag #1: You Think or Say, "We're Just Friends."
If you have caught yourself thinking or saying, "but we're just friends," you are probably already in trouble. "But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for a relationship. These words are usually said to rationalize something you know is wrong. Rationalize might also be spelled "rational lies."
Red Flag #2: You Daydream About Him or Her
This should be a loud, screaming clue. Do you think and daydream about your "regular" friends in this way?
Red Flag #3: You Look Forward to Seeing Him or Her
If you feel excitement, anticipation, or a quickening of your pulse as you get ready to see the person, watch out.
Red Flag #4: You Want to Tell Them News First
This means that this person has become your primary emotional confidant.
Red Flag #5: You Share Intimate Emotions
This flows naturally from this person being your primary emotional confidant. Because emotional affairs can be harder to break than purely physical ones, you can get trapped right here.
Red Flag #6: You Share Intimate Problems
This practice is especially dangerous if you are sharing problems in your marriage or relationship with the other person.
Red Flag #7: You Believe He or She Understands You More Than Your Spouse
Of course it looks like they do. That is part of the illusion of the affair. Believing this draws you away from your partner and toward the other person.
Red Flag #8: You Keep Secrets and Cover Up
Secrets bond two people together against a third person.
Red Flag #9: You Give Gifts
Are you giving gifts you would not normally give to a friend? Things to wear, jewelry, and other intimate gifts come with a message: we are very close.
Red Flag #10: You Spend More Time Alone
So many people say this was the one that pushed them over the edge. They had promised themselves nothing would happen, but the temptation and availability of time alone - with the person just a phone call away - was too much to resist.
Come unstuck with these techniques and discover yourself, happy and free.
By Laura Oliver
At a recent dinner with five friends, my friend Julie mentioned that she had been unable to stop thinking about a former boyfriend she hadn’t seen in years. In fact, she confessed, she thinks about him every day.
As she glanced helplessly around the table not one person appeared surprised. By the time dessert was served, every woman present admitted a persistent emotional attachment to a former relationship. Most surprising? Every woman at the table was happily married!
If you are stuck in an emotional tie that no longer serves you, it’s time to set yourself free. Here are 12 fool-proof ways to enjoy the present and release your past.
Learn how to move on now.
Get Real About What Was
According to Harville Hendrix, we are most magnetically attracted to people who embody the characteristics of our parents or early caretakers because we unwittingly seek in a partner someone who will re-injure our childhood wounds. Our adult selves can finally heal those wounds, but the more negative those characteristics are (from critical and controlling to charmingly irresponsible) the more intense the attraction we feel.
We can get relief from our nostalgia for a passionate love by remembering the intensity of the memory does not hold some great truth about the relationship’s sacredness. Remember, what fueled the attraction may not have been love, but your soul’s desire to heal the past.
Purge the Merge-Urge
Subliminally, people in love promise they will meet all of each other’s needs while having none of their own. (Like mommy did!) Listen to the language of lovers and you will hear the echoes of that infantile bliss: “
Baby, Sweetie, Honey, Darling.” We long for the feeling of fullness again, of merged egos. Getting free means understanding that the completeness you felt with your past love echoed a memory from infancy. It was an illusion and temporary and in reality it was not love.
Had the relationship continued, you would have seen boundaries snap back in place with the inevitable reestablishment of reality. No one would have made you feel that high forever.
Are You Romanticizing?
Brain scientists now recognize that nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief.” According Rob Stein of the Washington Post, “One of the hallmarks of complicated grief is a persistent sense of longing for the lost one and a tendency to conjure up reveries of that person.”
The persistence of a romanticized memory contains an addictive element but the element is not in the former relationship, it’s in you. For the 20 percent of us that stuck-ness has a biological source, an actual difference in brain processing. It can help to know the connection you still feel may be more biological than spiritual in origin.
So trade in your rose-colored glasses. Chances are you are romanticizing weaknesses as strengths. Was he self-employed because of his independence or his inability to accept authority? A realistic assessment is empowering. Keep a cheat sheet of unflattering truths and refer to it when you slip into dewy daydreams. It is easier to let go of a human than a hero.
There’s No Such Thing As One and Only
Repeat this 20 times. Ask yourself whether deep down you believe that remembering the relationship preserves it in some way. Embrace the reality that longing does not connect you and write a new belief code, such as: “I have never left a relationship that would have made me happier than I am now.” “This is a person of great worth, but not to me.”
Each of us probably has 10,000 people we could feel a similar connection to---don’t mythologize as “one and only” someone who actually might have been unremarkable.
Continued on Slide 6: This Is Me, Free! »
This Is Me, Free!
Visualize yourself as free without requiring that you know how that will be accomplished. Just imagine you have already arrived at a place in the future where you are. Imagine yourself saying to a friend, “Oh my gosh, I haven’t thought about x in years!” Absorb how fantastic you’ll feel, how happy and energized, and say thank you for that.
Remember that visualization is not about vision. It’s about what you feel when you envision. Feel into your freedom and cement it with gratitude.
Continued on Slide 7: Your Brain Speaks Body Language »
Your Brain Speaks Body Language
Your brain believes your body, sort of a reverse of the placebo affect. You begin to feel free of the past when you act free of the past! Don’t talk about the old relationship, don’t ritualize it, don’t note anniversaries, or send mental messages. Your brain will notice how
healthy you are and deepen those neural networks until they become routine.
Continued on Slide 8: Turn to Creativity »
How to Let Go of Past Loves.
Turn to Creativity
One of the best balms for emotional wounds is creativity, which is different from staying busy. Doing something creative, whether it is writing, drawing, composing lyrics, changing your hairstyle, planting a garden, thinking of a great
gift, or redecorating a room, connects you to yourself and a power greater than yourself. Doing something kind for someone else is also a good idea but let’s face it, you can brood the entire time you are doing a good deed. Creativity is deeply engaging. It fills you from the inside out.
Continued on Slide 9: Read it Right »
Read it Right
Swap longing reverie for gratitude—by whatever means you can. A photo of your dog or cat. Photos of your
kids, an upbeat song without a history to it. Something to look forward to—a ritual you enjoy. Try having a
book on tape to stop the tape in your head. Books work better than music because they are intellectually captivating and pull you into the moment. Music can do the opposite, drop you right into the past.
Keep a tape in the car, which is a place we’re particularly vulnerable to romanticizing. The left- brain act of driving puts your “logic brain “ into neutral and gives your right brain a chance to wander down memory lane. Best book to get on tape? “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” by Howard Halpern.
Continued on Slide 10: Exercise to Exorcise »
Exercise to Exorcise
Go to the gym regularly, or go for a run. Regular
exercise keeps your endorphin levels high and keeps you from falling into melancholy memories. (This is a place where you can use music, upbeat and invigorating.)
How to Let Go of Past Loves.
Shut the Door on the Uninvited Guest
Practice separating your “self” from your “thoughts.” It does not matter whether or not your thought is “true.” It only matters whether the thought interferes with your happiness.
Think of persistent thoughts as you would a neighbor who drops by without calling to tell you your car is parked in front of your
house. Say, “Thanks, Mind, for the boring and obvious update.” In other words, respond without resistance—a mental yawn.
Continued on Slide 13: Disarm with Charm »
How to Let Go of Past Loves.
Disarm with Charm
When thoughts come unbidden replace them with neutral, factual thoughts, again offering no real resistance or mental gymnastics. Replace the tape in your head with, “Trees are growing,” “People are talking,” “Rain falls.”
Or, put distance between yourself and persistent memories as Russ Harris (author of “The Happiness Trap”) recommends: add words in front of them like, “Oh, I’m having that thought about __again.” “Would you look at that! I’m aware that I’m thinking about ___again.”You are neutralizing your own knee-jerk reaction.
Continued on Slide 14: Swap Melodrama for Goofy — Literally »
How to Let Go of Past Loves.
Swap Melodrama for Goofy — Literally
Harris also suggests replaying the voice in your head in a cartoon character’s voice.
Try replaying “I wonder what ____ is doing today…” in a silly voice—like
Mickey Mouse or Goofy. Likewise, try singing your memory to a silly tune like “Happy Birthday.”
Continued on Slide 15: Find Freedom Today »
Find Freedom Today
You can become unhooked with practice. Don’t mythologize the ordinary. Don’t assume a connection is sacred just because it persists. Don’t revere the teacher when it was the relationship that provided the chance to grow.
Picture this: You. Happy and free.
14 Ways to Recover from an Emotional Affair
Categories:
An anonymous reader writes:
Over the last several months, I began an online relationship with a man. I was taken aback by our ability to connect. It was uncanny to me how much we understood each other. The sense of completeness is there when I am chatting with him. I feel validated, understood, and special. I want my marriage to work. Cognitively, I understand that the relationship with my online friend is not complete and based on false circumstances. It's not real life. But my flesh is weak. I miss the conversations and the feelings that I got from this man. It is almost like an addiction to a drug and I am having a horribly difficult time breaking the habit.
I know this woman is not alone in her struggle because I read a few comments or e-mails like that every day from readers. Boundary issues are extremely difficult when you have two human beings who crave friendship and intimacy, but are vulnerable to the complications that sexual attraction can cause in an uncommitted relationship. With the growing trend of social networking sites like Facebook, emotional affairs are more rampant than ever. And even if the two persons involved haven't crossed the line into a physical affair, these relationships are still just as challenging--sometimes more--to dissolve and recover from than a romance based in the bedroom.
To help all of my readers who struggle with this issue, I have compiled these 14 tips to overcome an emotional affair: techniques to let go of the pieces in these relationships that can entangle a heart in sadness and distract a person from the goodness of the committed relationship she is in.
1. Distinguish romance from love.
In his book "We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love," Robert A. Johnson distinguishes human love from romantic love. This is helpful for chicks raised on too much Disney: who believe that two people can fall deeply in love with each other after a three-minute duet like Sleepy Beauty and her Prince did. Or for women who read too many books like "The Bridges of Madison County" and "The English Patient," where the mystical lover makes one grand entrance, followed by hot, steamy sex. And then he disappears for the rest of her life.
Johnson defines human love (committed, normal love that we see in every day life) as "stirring-the-oatmeal" love. He writes:
Stirring oatmeal is a humble act--not exciting or thrilling. But it symbolizes a relatedness that brings love down to earth. It represents a willingness to share ordinary human life, to find meaning in the simple, unromantic tasks: earning a living, living within a budget, putting out the garbage, feeding the baby in the middle of the night. To "stir the oatmeal" means to find the relatedness, the value, even the beauty, in simple and ordinary things, not to eternally demand a cosmic drama, an entertainment, or an extraordinary intensity in everything.
2. Schedule some obsessing.
As I wrote in my "15 Ways to Stop Obsessing," sometimes the best treatment for fantasies is to pencil them into your schedule. When you find yourself fantasizing about an intimate moment with the woman who has custody of your heart, don't yell at yourself, "Snap out of it!" Simply say, "Thought, I appreciate your coming, but I've scheduled you for 7 this evening, at which time you can totally distract me if you want."
Dr. Christine Whelan, who writes the "Pure Sex, Pure Column" on BustedHalo.com, explains the logic of allowing a bit of fantasy. She writes:
If you are trying to banish a sexual fantasy from your head, telling yourself "I'm not going to fantasize about her" or "I won't think about what it would be like to be intimate with him" might make it worse: In a famous psychological study from the 1980s, a group of subjects were told to think about anything but whatever they did, they were not supposed to think about a white bear. Guess what they all thought about?
3. Be accountable.
This technique is especially effective for Catholics whose first lessons on human morality involved scary confessions. Do I have to tell everything? What if he sends me to hell? Even when I stopped going to confession regularly, I could hear the devil and angel duking it out on my shoulders, one guy telling me that he was going to go rat me out to the pope, the other guy telling me hysterical St. Peter jokes.
Moreover, accountability has always worked for me, even when I'm free from the nun with the ruler, because, as a stage-four people pleaser, I crave a good report card. So I better make sure I have a few people in my life passing out such reviews: my therapist, my doctor, my mentor Mike, my mom (she can still read my voice like a map, dang it), my twin sister, and my best friend. By giving them the skinny on what's really going on inside my margin for error decreases ten-fold.
4. Invest in your marriage.
The best way to prevent an affair is to invest in your marriage. And the best way to recover one is to invest in your marriage. It's a simple physics equation: the energy and time you supply to one relationship has to come from another one. That is, you can't build and nurture a true partnership if you're spreading intimacy over too many places.
After a violation of trust--and according to marriage expert Peggy Vaughan an affair is more about breaking trust than having sex--the best reconciler in a marriage are small acts of kindness. Because for most spouses, "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. Contrition needs to be supported with evidence: backrubs, special dinners, cleaning toilets, a listening ear. To quote Robert Johnson again: "Jung once said that feeling is a matter of the small. And in human love, we can see that it is true. The real relatedness between two people is experienced in the small tasks they do together: the quiet conversation when the day's upheavals are at rest, the soft word of understanding, the daily companionship, the encouragement offered in a difficult moment, the small gift when least expected, the spontaneous gesture of love."
Here's a thought: whenever you are tempted to send a heartfelt and kind e-mail to a special someone, send it to your spouse instead.
5. Replace it with something.
Whenever I grieve the loss of an important relationship in my life--whether it be a friendship that falls apart or a loved one who passes unexpectedly--I've found it helpful to immerse myself in a new project, or new challenge. A few years ago, when I was severely depressed, I realized I was clinging to certain relationships because I had no adult interaction in my day: the oldest person I talked to (until Eric returned from work) was 4.
So I pursued a tutoring position at the Naval Academy--in an effort to place myself in a stimulating environment that would force myself to stretch a little. The job didn't take away all the sting of grief, of course, but it did help to distract me in a positive way.
6. Stay with the loneliness.
I'm not a big fan of loneliness. Because that aching hole in your heart feels too much like the scary black chasm of depression. But they are different beasts. One can be treated, the other must be felt. Writes Henri Nouwen in "The Inner Voice of Love:"
When you experience the deep pain of loneliness, it is understandable that your thoughts go out to the person who was able to take that loneliness away, if only for a moment. When you feel a huge absence that makes everything look useless, your heart wants only one thing--to be with the person who once was able to dispel these frightful emotions. But it is the absence itself, the emptiness within you, that you have to be willing to experience, not the one who could temporarily take it away. When you can acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your pain available for God's healing.
7. Outsmart the body.
A little biology lesson here. When you are infatuated with someone, your brain chemistry whispers lies into your ears that can have you doing really stupid stuff. The spike in dopamine and norepinephrine produced with heightened sexual tension might tell you that all your troubles would end if you only kissed the handsome guy you just friended on Facebook, or ran off with the barista that makes you a perfect cappuccino.
Most people who have experienced an emotional affair describe it as a head rush. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, author of "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love," explains why:
Love is a drug. The ventral tegmental area is a clump of cells that make dopamine, a natural stimulant, and sends it out to many brain regions [when one is in love]. ...It's the same region affected when you feel the rush of cocaine.
Thus, identifying the physiological components of infatuation can be a strong ally in fighting the war against infidelity.
8. Detach
The Buddha taught that it is attachment that leads to suffering. So the most direct path to happiness and peace is detachment. I know that to be true on so many levels. In his book, "Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds," Victor M. Parachin tells a wonderful story about an old gardener who sought advice from a monk. Writes Parachin:
"Great Monk, let me ask you: How can I attain liberation?" The Great Monk replied: "Who tied you up?" This old gardener answered: "Nobody tied me up." The Great Monk said: "Then why do you seek liberation?"
9. Treat the addiction.
Categorizing an emotional affair as an addiction is helpful in two ways: first, it depersonalizes the experience, making it easier to let go of, and it also provides some tangible steps a person can take to kick her habit. Craig Nakken, author of "The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior" defines addiction as "a pathological love and trust relationship with an object or event ... the out-of-control and aimless searching for wholeness, happiness, and peace through a relationship with an object or event." Addictions induce a trance-like state that allows the addict to detach from the pain, guilt, and shame she feels. Temporarily. Until reality hits.
It makes sense that so many depressives and alcoholics find themselves in toxic relationships. Nakken explains that the "addictive logic"-buying into false and empty promises, a false sense of intimacy and fulfillment--stays with a person long after she has broken off the relationship or stopped her destructive behavior. She is vulnerable to it resurfacing in a different form or with a new person at any time and especially during stressful periods. Which is why recovery never ends. It's a way of living that involves one smart decision after another that fosters true intimacy.
10. Surround yourself with friends.
For a person who has just broken off an emotional affair, friends aren't optional. They are a life-support system. In his book, "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person," Howard Halpern writes:
The value of this network is so great that having it or not having should not be left to chance. It can make the crucial difference in your success in ending the relationship. IT has many specific and even specialized uses, but overriding all else is that when you are terrified of being all alone in the universe, it can give you the comforting assurance that there are other caring people out there. And this assurance, by making you feel reconnected to the web of life, can firm up your determination to make and sustain the break.
Safe friends are especially important if the relationship you are mourning formed at work, among mutual friends. You'll need to befriend colleagues who are not connected to him in any way, or hang out with your non-work friends, safe folks, until you feel strong enough to socialize with friends who might talk about or involve him.
11. Think with your new brain.
In his bestselling classic "Getting the Love You Want," Harville Hendrix distinguishes between our old or "reptilian" brain that is weighted down with unconscious baggage from our pasts and reacts automatically in fear, and our new brain: the "analytical, probing, questioning part of your mind that you think of as being 'you.'" Harville theroizes that when we get sucked into intense, emotional relationships that hurt us our old brain is holding the helm. It wants to recreate the pain of our past in order to heal the wounds.
So what we have to do is to squeeze some of the rational and cognitive skills of our newer brain into the old brain before the unguided driver gets us into too much trouble. This means to apply a little logic or to fill in the details of our love story. For example, you think this guy on the Internet is your soul mate. Okay, then visualize what you would have to do to spend the rest of your life with him: give up the marriage you are in and everything it provides you, disrupt the stable home life of your children, disrupting their lives in a negative way, and so on. The new brain can also remind you that no one person can make you happy. That job is all your own. You may very well think this person can fill the hole in your heart. But once you are there, having given up so much of your life to get there, you will realize it wasn't him after all that you needed. It was some self-healing.
12. Help someone else.
When I'm in pain, the only guaranteed antidote to my suffering is to box up all of my feelings, sort them, and then try to find a use for them. That's why writing Beyond Blue contributes a big chunk to my recovery, why moderating Group Beyond Blue has me excited to wake up every day. When you turn your attention to another person--especially someone who is struggling with the same kind of pain--you forget about yourself for a split moment. And let's face it, that, on some days, feels like a miracle.
13. Write about it.
If you get the feeling your friends are quite over hearing about your emotional affair, try putting your emotions to the page. In an August 2003 issue of Australian Journal of Psychology, University of Texas psychologist James W. Pennebaker summarizes dozens of studies linking expressive writing to improvements in immunity, academic performance, social behavior, and mental health. In a 2003 British Psychological Society study, results indicated that writing about emotions might even speed the healing of physical wounds. If journaling about pain can heal your knee scab, think about what writing might do for your broken heart.
14. Let yourself grieve.
A relationship without sex can be every bit as intense as one involving lingerie. A special connection between two kindred souls needs to be grieved just as a marriage or committed partnership.
In the case of an emotional affair, guilt can impede the grieving process. Since a person feels as though she is wrong to have had these feelings to begin with, she often won't allow a time of tears and loneliness that are necessary for healing. But just because the relationship happened outside of a committed relationship doesn't mean the heart isn't broken and needs some repair work. Also, an emotional affair rarely happens overnight, and neither does recovering from one, which is why you need to be as patient and as gentle with yourself as you would a friend who just ended a primary relationship.
There are several ides here to spice up your sex life. A happy sex life begins with embracing your own sexuality.
Another techinique to heat up your sex life is to seriously go without intercourse for a while. The longer you go the more you get in touch with your own body the more intensity that builds up. Why they don't teach this stuff in healt ed classes so you can know this in your 20s is beyond me!
Next are essential oils.
Certain smells like Cinnamon oil will get anyone's attention and increase the romance....and others are edible so let's your imagination run wild, of course skin testing ahead of time is a good idea to make sure neither of you is allergic. http://www.youngliving.org/ #844043.
Life just gets better and better with age! Spice it up and have some fun!
http://www.multi-orgasmic.com/experience-multiple-orgasms.html
 In Taoist sexual practices we learn to have a different experience of our body, sex and orgasmic energy (Chi). We acknowledge that the body has different qualities of Chi and that these various energies may be used for endeavors such as improving health, fortifying the mind, and ultimately may be used for spiritual enlightenment. Orgasmic Chi is just one of many qualities of Chi. This Chi, when placed in various areas of the body, induce orgasmic reactions. Thus, a woman who has trained in Taoist Healing Love may not only reach orgasm multiple times, but in multiple ways.
When one views reproductive Chi as a valuable and strong Chi which should be respected and cultivated, they begin to view sex and sexuality much differently than those who do not connect with the spirit of this Chi.
In the book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman, Master Mantak Chia and Dr. Rachel Abrams address the issue of becoming Multi-Orgasmic as a woman. There are references to things like using the Inner Smile and MicroCosmic Orbit. You may refer to the book or go to the Prepare Your Body button on this site. You must know what your Chi, or PC muscle is as well.
Here, we have an excerpt from this book, which we hope will entice you to not only read the book, but also contact your local certified Universal Healing Tao instructor for proper coaching on how to experience not only multiple orgasms, but also experience different kinds of orgasm.
Beyond Orgasm
A number of sexual experts over the past several decades have taught women and men how to reach prolonged pleasure states that supersede the momentary bliss of singular orgasm. Various authors and researchers have described this state as continuous multiple orgasm, blended orgasm, or extended or expanded sexual orgasm.1 The heart of the Taoist sexual practice is to channel your sexual energy in order to reach an “expanded” state of full body pleasure and heightened spiritual consciousness. The possibilities to “expand” your experience of orgasm are as endless as your imagination. I’ll discuss a few of these practices here.
Extending Orgasm
It is possible to extend your usual orgasmic time from around 8 seconds to more than 60 seconds. This may not sound like a long time, but when you are in the intense throes of orgasm, a minute feels as if it goes on forever. In order to extend the time of your own orgasm, several techniques are helpful. Contracting your PC muscle during orgasm and moving the orgasmic energy into the Microcosmic Orbit will help to keep your arousal high. You can then extend the orgasmic time by continuing to contract your PC muscle, even when you would have normally ceased having an orgasm. You are consciously continuing and encouraging the pulsations, and as you train your body, you will find that you can keep the pleasurable waves coming.
EXERCISE
BECOMING A MULTI-ORGASMIC WOMAN
1. Set your intention not to hold back on your pleasure.
2. Awaken your sexual energy. Prepare yourself and your location with whatever erotic qualities support your desire, relax you, and turn you on—candles, oils, pillows, massage. Explore sexual fantasy or erotica if you enjoy it. Play sensual music, dance, caress your body with oil, or partake of any other pleasures that kindle your sexual desire. Remember that the hotter your pot of desire is simmering, the easier it will be to boil over into multiple orgasms.
Using the Inner Smile, smile down to your heart and feel it soften and open. Smile down to your uterus and ovaries, to your clitoris, lips, and vagina, feeling them warm with chi. Massage your breasts and nipples and send their awakened sexual energy down to your sexual organs through the Front Channel.
3. Caress your pleasure anatomy. Remember to stroke your entire body, neck and arms, breasts and legs. When you are aroused and ready, begin stimulating your clitoris with your hands, vibrator, or your partner’s tongue. Use any strokes that worked for you in the Body Exploration from chapter 5. If your pleasure wanes, change the area that you are stimulating or the quality of your touch (smooth or vibrating, gentle or rough).
4. Use the teasing technique to prolong and intensify your pleasure. Build up your pleasure and then hold back your stroking for just a moment, then continue.
5. Contract your PC muscle to send your sexual energy into your spine as your arousal climbs. Pause, circulate the energy briefly, then continue.
6. Surrender to orgasm with clitoral stimulation. Pump your PC muscle to send the orgasmic energy into your spine as you orgasm and just after.
7. Circulate the energy through the Microcosmic Orbit and back down to your genitals, feeling them fill with warm, orgasmic energy.
8. Start slow, gentle stimulation of your clitoris again within 30 seconds after the first orgasm. Find a stroke you like and stick with it, using the teasing technique again.
9. Stimulate your clitoris and vagina together. Move to penetration and stimulate sensitive vaginal spots. Squeeze your PC muscle rhythmically to gather the energy in the vaginal area. Let your pleasure climb and surrender to the bliss of orgasm again.
10. After your orgasmic pleasure, hold both hands over your navel, smile down to your belly, and spiral and collect the energy in your abdomen.
The other essential ingredient is the use of your breath. As you begin to orgasm, slowly breathe out, and if you are at all able, make noise. The Taoists believe that the throat and the vagina are connected, which is perhaps why it is easier to extend your orgasm if you are expressing your pleasure through your voice. As long as you can extend your exhalation and continue to make sound and contract your PC muscle, you can extend your orgasm.2 It is a great incentive to practicing meditative breath control! Ultimately, as your control of your sexual energy matures, you will be able to extend your orgasm through one long out-breath, a quick intake of breath, and then another one or two breaths. Your throat is open to sound and your genitals are open to pleasure, which allows the orgasmic wave to continue to flow through you. So soundproof your room if you need to, use the power of your sex muscle, and ride your pulsations into extended orgasm.
Expanding Orgasm
Other sexual experts consider expanded or extended sexual orgasm to be a state of heightened sexual energy, connection, and even a spiritual state of expansion. In this state, one experiences extraordinary pleasure, total relaxation, and increased awareness. People sometimes reach a state of expanded orgasm and wonder, “How did I get here?” I’m going to discuss several methods to reach an expanded orgasmic state so that you can travel the path there whenever you like.
Taoist Expanded Orgasm
It is possible to reach a similar state of expanded orgasm using Taoist sexual techniques, whether you are alone or with a partner. Using the Orgasmic Upward Draw and spreading your orgasmic energy through the Microcosmic Orbit and your whole body leads to a similar state of deep relaxation, surrender, and well-being. You can combine the Taoist practice with any of the techniques that I’ve discussed to intensify and deepen your pleasure. The Jade Egg exercises in chapter 8 are extremely helpful in awakening vaginal pleasure spots and paving the way for deep pelvic orgasm. They will help you develop conscious control over your sexual energy in your vagina and allow you to spread the sexual energy of deep pelvic orgasm throughout your body.
The Brauers recorded electrical brain patterns of people in a state of extended sexual orgasm, which show the same activity that’s present in states of deep meditation. Use of the Microcosmic Orbit to circulate and amplify one’s sexual energy has had very similar results. In 1996 at the Institute for Applied Biocybernetics Feedback Research, the brain activity of Mantak Chia was evaluated during states of Taoist meditation, including the Inner Smile, Microcosmic Orbit, and the Orgasmic Upward Draw. The levels of brain potentials, or electrical currents, that are correlated to clarity, health, and concentration rose higher in Mantak Chia during these meditations than in any other human measured at the Viennese center. And, unlike other persons measured who used mantras or chanting, Mantak Chia’s high levels of these brain potentials continued to rise for 20 minutes after he finished his meditation, and remained high for the next 15 hours! All of the sensors indicated that although his energy continued to rise throughout his body, his muscles remained relaxed and his heartbeat calm. (This study was conducted on October 25, 1996, at the Institute fur Angewandte Biokypernetik und Feedbackforschung (Institute for Applied Biocybernetics Feedback Research) in Vienna, Austria. Ul-tralente (ULP) brain potentials in the left and right brains were measured using a PCE-Scanner and other vital bodily functions were monitored (data unpublished).
This suggests that simple Taoist meditative and sexual practices are capable of accessing a state of expanded consciousness and pleasure that truly allows us to access what is most precious in our human potential. It is important to note that Master Chia achieves this state of profound pleasure and relaxation by opening his heart and feeling profound love through the Inner Smile and then continuing to remain open, calm, and peaceful in his heart center while circulating his orgasmic energy. If you wish to feel the high energetic state of expanded orgasm, begin with the Inner Smile and remember throughout love-making to continue to move the sexual and orgasmic energy into your heart center, keeping it warm and open, and focusing your attention on love for yourself and/or for your partner. In Taoist wisdom, the heart is not just the love center, but the center of joy and spirit as well.
It is the combined power of desire and spirit, passion and compassion, that opens us to our greatest potential. Many people have described feeling closest to God, Goddess, their higher power, the universe, or the Tao (however you name the universal power that is greater than yourself), while making love with a beloved partner. When we open our hearts and surrender to our passions, we are capable not just of orgasm within our bodies, but of fusing with the pulsations of joy and life throughout the universe.
 Sarina Stone is a Certified Universal Healing Tao Instructor many times over. She began studying Taoist Meditation under the direct supervision of Taoist Master, Mantak Chia in 1990. After certifying as a massage therapist in 1994, she began combining meditation, bodywork, and nutrition while teaching and treating students around the world. Her light-hearted, open approach to the Taoist practices has made her a Universal Healing Tao and media favorite internationally.
Miss Stone currently teaches Medical Chi Kung in workshop and retreat formats, and is available for University lectures, television and radio interviews. For more information and an opportunity to invite Miss Stone to your community, please go to www.Taolady.com
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Find yourself wonderng why others don't understand you or care about you?
Are you a professional Victim?
Do you wonder why others are "so sensitive?"
Often time we go through our day being unaware of how we impact the lives of others. It is a given we will step on each other accidently without meaning to (if you mean to then there is another posting necessary for mean behaviors). However how we respond to our actions and take responsibility says alot about who we are and what our character is like.
In any relationship heartfelt apologies can go a long way to bringing people together. Here is an article on developing the art of apologies.
We all know what an apology is--an expression of remorse or guilt over having said or done something that is acknowledged to be hurtful or damaging, and a request for forgiveness. But we also know it can be really hard to swallow our pride and say "I'm sorry." If you have a difficult time making amends for mistakes or repairing the effects of angry words, here's how to keep your dignity while being humble, and invite forgiveness with grace.
Steps
- Realize that what you did was not a good choice and probably hurt this person.
- Realize that there is no excuse. Do not try to think of or offer one. An apology with an excuse is not an apology. Take full responsibility for what you did.
- Decide when to apologize. Sometimes immediately after your mistake is best, sometimes not. The sting of a harsh word can be cooled right away with a quick apology, but other offenses might need the other person to cool down before they are willing to even listen to your next sentence. However, the sooner you apologize for your mistake, the more likely it will be viewed as an error in judgment and not a character flaw.
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"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that."
Write your apology down. Construct a letter to the person you're apologizing to, rehearsing what you will say in person. If you don't feel comfortable with writing, then use a voice recorder. Not only will this help you remember what to say when you're face to face with them, but you can also bring the copy with you and hand it to them if you find the apology quite difficult to express. But never forget that a direct and honest apology is best. Do it face to face, if possible. A phoned, emailed or recorded apology may show a lack of sincerity and effort.
- Begin the apology by naming the offense and the feelings it may have caused. Be specific about the incident so that they know exactly what you're apologizing for. Make it a point to avoid using the word "but". ("I am sorry, but..." means "I am not sorry.") Also, do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were offended." Be sorry for what you did! "I'm sorry you feel that way" makes it seem like you are blaming the other person, and is not a real apology. Validate their feelings or discomfort by acknowledging your transgression's (potential) effects, while taking responsiblity:
- "Boss, I'm sorry I'm late again, I know my shift started 10 minutes ago. I hope this doesn't complicate your day."
- "Dear, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday - there's no excuse. I hope you don't feel neglected, please let me set this right."
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"This is an explanation, not an excuse. There is no excuse."
Make amends. Think about what caused you to make the offense. Is it because you're a little too laid back about being on time, or remembering important dates? Is it because you tend to react instantly to certain comments, without pausing to consider an alternative point of view? Is it because you are unhappy with your life, and you unknowingly take it out on others? Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person (as an explanation, not an excuse), and tell them what you intend to do to rectify that problem so that you can avoid this mistake in the future:
- "I snapped at you because I've been so stressed out with work lately, and it's selfish of me to take it out on you. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to cut down my hours to X per week. I really think it'll help me unwind, and help us spend more quality time together."
- "I've been distant and cold because I get paranoid that you're going to walk out on me because I don't have a job. But that's a terrible thing to do. Look, here's a list of things I'm going to do to find a job ASAP..."
- Express your appreciation for the role that they play in your life, emphasizing that you do not want to jeopardize or damage the relationship. This is the time to briefly recount what has created and sustained the bond over time and tell loved ones that they are indeed loved. Describe what your life would be missing without their trust and their company.
- Ask if they will give you another chance to make up for what you did wrong. Tell them you'd love to show them that you've learned from your mistake, and that you will take action to change and grow as a result, if they will let you. Make a clear request for forgiveness and wait for their answer. This gives the injured party the well deserved "power" in determining the outcome of the situation.
- Be understanding. If an apology is not accepted, thank them for hearing you out and leave the door open if they wish to reconcile later.
- "I understand you're still upset about it, but thanks for giving me the chance to apologize. If you ever change your mind, please give me a call.
- If you are lucky enough for your apology to be accepted, avoid the temptation to throw in a few excuses at the end. Instead, have a transition planned out beforehand for what you can do to solidify the clean slate.
- "Let's go get some coffee and catch up. It'll be my treat. I miss knowing what you're up to."
- Be patient. Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn't mean they've fully forgiven you. It can take time, maybe a long time, before the injured party can completely let go and fully trust you again. There is little you can do to speed this process up, but there are endless ways to bog it down. If the person is truly important to you, it's worth it to give them the time and space they need to heal.
- Stick to your word. This is every bit as important as every other step. A true apology entails a resolution, and you have to carry out your promise in order for the apology to be sincere and complete. Otherwise, your apologies will lose their meaning, and trust may disappear beyond the point of no return.
Tips
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If you can, pull the person aside so that you can apologize while you're alone. Not only will this reduce the likelihood of other people influencing the person's decision, but it will also make you a little less nervous. However, if you insulted the person publicly and made him/her lose face, your apology is much more effective if done publicly.
- Use relaxed and humble body language. Keeping your arms crossed or pointing fingers will put the other person on the defensive.
- If the person is willing to talk to you about making amends, see this as an opportunity. If you've forgotten your wife's birthday, for instance, you might decide to celebrate another night and make it extra wonderful and romantic. This won't relieve you of responsibility for remembering the next important occasion, of course, but it will show that you're willing to take special time and effort.
- One apology will often cause another, either from you for something else you realized you are sorry for, or from the other person because they realize the conflict was mutual. Be prepared to forgive.
- A proper apology is always about the injured party. Keep your apology focused on the actual wrong done, and the recipient.
- Don't keep asking if he or she is mad at you. This puts the focus back on you, and makes you sound impatient and selfish. Just as it takes time to heal, it can take time to forgive.
- DO NOT apologize through a text message, e-mail, or over an instant message chat session. It's best to do this in person, or over the phone if necessary.
Warnings
- Sometimes attempted apologies turn into a rehash of the same argument you wanted to amend. Be very careful not to re-argue any topics or open any old wounds.
- Don't be too surprised (or suspicious) if you are forgiven. Take people at their word, just like they took your apology.
- Don't apologize unless you really mean it. You can spot a false apologies from a mile away, and so can others.
- Even if you feel that the conflict was partly because of the other person's miscommunication, do not say so in the middle of your apology. At most, mention briefly that the other person can help you avoid misunderstandings by reminding you when you step out of line, and apologize again for the hurt you caused.
- Do not talk about about how bad you feel. The apology is not about your guilt, your shame, your fear of rejection, your anxiety or your loneliness while waiting to be forgiven. It is about the other person - remember that, even if it seems to be taking them a long time to forgive you.
- Never assume that the injured party is "punishing" you by taking time to forgive you, but watch for warning signs that they will hold a grudge forever. If you hear the words "I'm not going to let you forget this," or "I'll be your friend again, but this will change our friendship forever," listen to your gut, and consider letting the relationship go.
- NEVER think negatively about the situation. A little positive attitude can assist you in apologizing and can give you the hope of actually being forgiven.
From Wikihow/aplogies
Many people call me and claim to be "unlucky" in love. What they do not realize is they are receiving exactly what they are asking for to be unlucky in love. Many of these people have learned they are helpless in taking action to change their life or the outcomes in their lives.
Learned helplessness brings about permanence (it has always been this way it will continue to be this way), personalization (it is me, I am the reason I am so unlucky) and pervasiveness (generalization - I am just not a lucky person in any area of my life). This type of a personal belief system is all about giving ones power away!
Now why would someone choose to live his or her life this way? Why would you choose to live your life this way instead of reaching for happiness? There are so payoffs for believing you cannot be happy. By giving power away, a person can be a victim, feel entitled to more and wait to be rescued. Realize none of the three beliefs brings about personal responsibility. All three lead a person to the VERBs in their life. Victimization, entitlement, rescue, blame someone else and none of them are I focused. People often continue in these modes of thinking and being for long periods, some never come to realize they have the personal power to change their lives to be happy. If someone mentions to them that they can change their life, they become very JADED. Justify, Argue, Defend and/or Explain why they are the way they are, or why their lives are this way.
Many times people act out trying to become happy with their life or themselves. They try to buy happiness (spending and debting addictions) seek happiness through pleasure (food, sex, drug and alcohol addictions), force happiness by trying to overcome their weaknesses (workaholism). They fall into worldly TRAPs.
TRAPs such as Power, Perfectionism, Control, Status, and Possessions. The problem is once we adapt to our pleasures or distractions by becoming accustomed to them, they lose their power to please us. These pleasures such as feasting, intoxicants, dancing, music, stories, sex, work success, material gain, and money eventually become mundane and dead. They only cover up our darkest fears of not being enough or having enough.
Instead, feelings of love, courage and optimism are actions, which produce a life of happiness and joy.
1. Love someone else - wholeheartedly, for the simple joy of loving.
2. Optimism - what hurts us or pleases also teaches us about life, about ourselves.
3. Courage - moving into the next moment even when we do not know what lies ahead.
4. Freedom - we have freedom in each moment to make a choice.
5. Pro-activity - Do not wait for someone else to make you happy, be pro-active in living each moment, each day.
6. Security - security comes from liking who you are and what you can do!
7. Health - express your feelings, find your words, live each moment making the best choices for your body, your heart, yourself.
8. Spirituality - be concerned about your fellowman and what you can contribute to the world. Connect each day with the source of your spiritual life.
9. Perspective. Realize there are always opposite sides to an opinion a belief, put life into perspective, don't sweat the small stuff, worry doesn't change anything it only gives you something worthless to do, change the way you see things or think about them. Learn to give thanks in all that you do and receive.
10. Altruism - get outside of yourself. Do something each day for others without any expectation of receiving anything in return.
11. Humor - Learn to laugh at life, laugh at yourself, and laugh at the sheer joy of being in each moment.
12. Purpose - know you are hear for a reason....to BE you!
Remember to appreciate each moment of your life. Even in loss, you can appreciate the preciousness of life.
Remember to appreciate, make choices, respect your personal power, lead with your strengths, use your words at work, in relationships and to keep you healthy, realize life is multi-dimensional.
When pain comes remember it will also bring joy. You have to be ready to receive Joy. If you can only receive pain then all you will know is pain. Let Joy come to you, reside with you, and be with you. You deserve a full and wonderful life.
When you are here, you will attract someone else who can appreciate you for the truly wonderful human being you are!
Kay
Women are the key to starting relationships!
Let's look at what research shows. This is LIFE. Stop waiting to be rescued and take control of your decisions.
Research shows that as much as 70% of men fear rejection and are to shy to approach women. Therefore, only 30% are not. When women complain that all the good ones are taken it is because they do not see the 70% who are in their environment.
Research also shows that in social situations women initiate eye contact. Those quick glances are the foreplay to a relationship. If a woman makes eye contact with a man, he is more likely to approach her. If she makes second eye contact and holds that eye contact he is even more likely to approach her and if she includes a smile she has just communicated she is SAFE to approach. Men are attracted to FRIENDLY women. If you give the signals, they will flock to you. They look for approachability. (Who wants to be with a mean person? I don't. It doesn't matter if I am looking for a date or a friend. I want them to be friendly!)
Many times people call saying there is no one out there for them! I tell them there is probably someone right under their nose, someone who they come into contact on a daily basis and probably just do not notice. Why? Because we are looking for the flamboyant WHITE KNIGHT on the SHINING HORSE! Hello! Fairy Tales are FAIRY TALES. Wake up!
I often walk around a lake with big beautiful trees. In these trees when I look up, I see birds and ducks sitting in the tree. It is often interesting to me that others walk under these trees, around these trees, and by these trees without ever seeing the ducks sitting there perched under the leaves! I see the ducks because I am looking to see them. You cannot see what you do not believe if there!
Today, start noticing who is in your daily life. Whom do you say hi to, who says hi to you? Do not do anything but notice your daily routine. Whom do you come into contact with, bump into, see in your gaze across the room? Slow down, breathe and notice your life. This is the beginning, to see who is in your world that you are not noticing.
Realize that just like you he is out there, he has many good qualities and he has flaws because he is just as human as you are and hopefully will not be wearing a white knight's attire in your waking daily life, as you will not be dressed like Cinderella going about your business today.
No, this does not mean you lower your standards and put up with bad behavior. It means you examine your "expectations" to determine if they are based upon reality. We all come with rough edges it is what makes us human. However, we often notice what we are looking for and if we believe that "all men are mean or cruel or jerks" I guarantee you will find what you are looking for, however, if you believe that respectful men are just shy or that you have not been noticing them in your space....you will find them. Try making eye contact and flashing them a smile. See what happens!
Next, think of this process as a fishing expedition. When fishermen catch fish, they often throw some back. You are sorting. Read my other postings on the blog to determine how to know when to keep dating and when to throw one back and then keep on fishing with your eye contact and your smile. That is all it takes!
Gone Fishing!
Kay
I cannot tell you how many times I receive calls from people who have had their hearts broken repeatedly. They tell me they have no "luck" with relationships. As if luck were responsible for the choices, they have made in choosing someone with whom they want to spend the rest of their life????
Here is the secret to finding a lasting relationship!
1. Know yourself. What are your values? Make a list of the things you have to have in a relationship. What values do you want this person to have, what behaviors, what type of a lifestyle. Sort these out to the ones you have to have (relationship busters), the ones you prefer (relationship negotiators), the ones you like (relationship icing).
2. Next, make a list of all the things you cannot have in a relationship. Sort there out in the same type of list as the one above.
3. Take a long hard look at these lists. Now think back and ask yourself where your passed relationships were on these two lists. What did you learn from these relationships?
4. Now, picture yourself interviewing your ex's for the position of becoming your life partner. How do they rate on your list?
Choosing a mate is no different than hiring someone to run a business for you.
Every time you choose to go out on a date you are choosing to be with someone you think might be the one. So start INTERVIEWING them. YOU DESERVE to be HAPPY. You deserve the best.
Some things to consider:
1. Happy people do not need to bash the ex. They learn from their experiences and then move on. People who bash are STUCK in unhappiness. Do not look for potential, as you will be the next hit on their list! If you are the one who is stuck...give me a call and let us work on this issue! You will attract what you are yourself.
2. Happy people do not criticize the way you look, what you eat, how you drive, etc....they support instead, they may make suggestions however are perfectly happy regardless of whether or not you take their suggestions. If you are into people pleasing and changing everything about yourself for your significant other....do give me a call...we need to work on this before you shop for a partner. Otherwise.....
3. LISTEN, to what people say. If they tell you, they do not want to commit. Do not just take a hint, run! If you are not listening then you are the one who is not being respectful. Do not make yourself into a victim. Victims are not attractive. Be SMART about your HEART.
4. WATCH. If you are concerned about whether or not your date is being honest with you pay attention to the details. People who are not above board do give off major signals. If you see behavior that is different from the talk, BELIEVE what people do over what they say! Our actions tell the truth even when we lie except if we are totally sociopaths (all this means is the person so believes their own lie even their bodies are deceived).
3. LEARN. Learn about yourself and what you like and what you do not like. Learn from your heart and your body. Your feelings and your body will tell you when you like someone and trust how you feel when your are with someone. [If you feel bad most of the time and then great some of the time...this is not the relationship for you. Feeling bad needs to be on those rare occasions when we accidentally hurt one another by being human. Being human is not about dumping pain onto another human being because we need relief. There is a big difference! If you are in a relationship like this or have had, relationships like this then do give me a call. ]
4. LIVE. Live in the moment. This is the greatest relationship maker there is on the planet. Living in the moment will allow you to feel what you need to feel, hear what you need to hear, know what you need to know.
5. TRUST. Trust when you are being real, listening, paying attention to the signs and enjoying your time with someone else that life wants you to be blessed and happy.
6. BELIEVE. Believe in yourself, in others, in life and in LOVE.
7. ATTRACT. Be the person you most want to attract. Sometimes we would not know true love if it bit us. Why? Because we are focusing on all of our weakness instead of our strengths. Be positive about yourself and you will attract a positive other.
Finally, visualize what your life will be like in a loving relationship. Close your eyes and visualize. Make this a daily practice, reading your list and visualizing the great love of you life!
Be Well & Be Blessed in all you do!
Kay
...conflict about sex and/or money!
What really breaks people up is the inability to talk about sex and/or money! Communication and unrealistic expectations of others and ourselves are what really ruin relationships. So in the upcoming weeks, let's discuss both of these. Post your questions here and let's talk about it in a forum that is non-threatening. This can be as confidential and as anonymous as you would like it to be.
Sex or Money? Which is it for you?
Kay
Two common mistakes people make in relationships are holding unspoken expectations and the need to be right! Let's deal first with the need to be right.
Are you a person who always has to be right in the discussion? Do you need to win every argument or disagreement? If so, then you have come to the right blog!
Why is the need to be right such a relationship killer? Well if you are always right then where does that leave your partner? They are always wrong. Is this really possible? Are you really so perfect that you are always right and the person who loves you, who you have chosen to be with is always wrong? Are they really that big of a loser? Then why are you with this person?
My point is, if you are always right then you leave the other person in the relationship feeling as if they are a loser. Who wants to be with or live with someone who sees them as a loser or makes them feel less than wonderful when they are around them? Being right all the time has consequences, it diminishes the joy in the relationship. Therefore, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. Really being right all the time does not bring happiness into your life because those high standards are standards you probably apply to yourself as well. What happens when you do make a mistake or are wrong about something? Are you able to feel good about yourself or do you feel like a loser?
If you are thinking, "but I am only happy when I am right. If I am not right then I can't be happy!" Think again. If you are ONLY happy when you are RIGHT then you are not happy in all the in between times of being right! Who wants their happiness based upon an external event! Happiness is something you can cultivate on a moment-to-moment basis and not allow it to be fleeting such as when you are right and someone else is wrong.
What my grandma was getting to is there is truth and agreement in all things. I can find away to agree with someone without having to discount, discredit and minimize everything they say. If someone attacks me and says, "you are lazy!" I can respond to them by saying, "well I probably could do more around the house." It does not mean because I agreed with them that I totally agree with them and they are 100% right, it only means that I am human and because I am human there is always room for improvement. Whether or not I choose to change this is totally up to me.
If you are in a relationship and you value this relationship however, you have a need to be right try and find areas in which you can compromise. Not all areas, just some areas. No one is passionate about every idea, every topic, and every conversation 100% of the time. So set down and figure out what your deal breakers are for you.
For instance, I can compromise to a point on what movies I go to see. I do not have to see the one I want each time. I can say hey I picked last time you pick this time, etc....my deal breakers are extreme violence and sci-fi which I would rather stay home and do the dishes...however there are many other types of movies I would go to see with someone that would not have been my first choice.
If it is politics, you are in disagreement rather than having to be right (people who are comfortable about their beliefs do not have to defend them anyway) hear the other person out and let them state their views without your judgments, onions, or commentaries. LISTENING does not mean you AGREE or are WRONG. It only means you know how to show respect to others regardless of whether or not you agree. Very few things in life are 100% for sure except maybe gravity.
So just for today, ask yourself in all of your relationships, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" The choice is yours.
Sincerely,
Kay
Anyone who has ever flown on an airplane knows that part of the safety demonstration given before the plane takes off is about placing the oxygen masks over your own face before you help someone else. It is only common sense that we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy enough emotionally, physically and spiritually. Being all we can be is the greatest gift we can give another person.
Often when people call me, they ask me how they can get out of a bad or unhealthy situation or relationship. They are often surprised with my response. I tell them they are asking the wrong question. The right question is how can I begin to take care of myself?
Having an understanding of sexual predators, violent offenders and other deviant behaviors human beings can be capable of when they are in a spiritually deprived state, I also understand how others who lack a strong value system target people.
One of the best emotional "vaccinations" you can give yourself is to make yourself a priority in your own life. When you meet your own physical needs for nutrition, your own financial needs for financial responsibility, and your own emotional needs by determining how you will allow others to treat you, your own priorities by identifying your own value system and setting boundaries with others, you will repel others who want to take advantage of people, who want to abuse others. Abusive people need unconscious or conscious permission to abuse another. Because they need cooperation in these types of relationships when you are making yourself a priority in the relationship they are not interested in you!
If you are in a challenging relationship with someone who does not meet your needs and you begin to meet them yourself, you begin to take responsibility for your own happiness. Your happiness is a daily choice (for most of us it is a moment-to-moment choice) that only you can make for yourself. If you are looking for happiness through another person, your significant other, or your children, you will not find happiness.
People are people and we are each uniquely different that is why we have individual fingerprints and DNA and our bodies even carry markers of where we have been in our lives and been exposed to in our life experiences. Putting our happiness outside of ourselves an onto someone else is setting ourselves up for eventual disappointments because other people are human and make mistakes or choose differently than we think we would have chosen.
None of us the power to make another person happy unless they seek control over us. People who are happy when we do what they want us to are not putting our happiness first they are putting their own ahead of anyone else without regard to what we want or need. This is true SELFISHNESS.
At the same time, no one can make you happy, as this would mean you had total control over him or her as well. Definitely not good for your own growth and best interest. Finding out what makes you happy is a life experience that takes us through our life span. Finding out what makes you happy also allows you to explore and find aspects and strengths you may not have recognized before or appreciated before.
When you wake up in the morning, ask yourself what do I need today? How can I take care of myself today?
- Do you take breaks at work?
- Do you take a vacation and allow yourself down time?
- Do you find time in your day to be alone and recharge?
- Do you focus more on what other people are thinking or value your own opinion more?
- Do you spend your time worrying about others so much your life is on hold?
- Do you think you have the answers for other people’s problems and life would be much better if only they would listen?
- Do you experience disappointments in life or in regards to other people?
If you answered questions 1-3 with a no and questions 4-7 with a yes, it is time to give me a call.
I recovered and so can you!
Kay
Welcome to my Blog. Here you will find the most common asked questions I receive as a Family Relations Professional. My customers are satisfied and rank my answers highly after each call. I have a long record of successful consults with many people from diverse backgrounds. My credentials include several degrees (undergrad & graduate) and professional licenses.
Each week I will post a new topic in the categories listed on the right side of the page (scroll down to the middle of the page and click on a topic of interest to you).
Please feel free to make comments or requests for a particular subject. If the subject is too personal, I will encourage you to give me a call so we can discuss it in person.
All calls are strictly confidential. Ingenio offers five free minutes to first time callers and I follow up all completed calls with free minutes. Please remember to leave a rating and/or comments as this allows other callers to know they too can benefit from my services.
I am looking forward to being of service to you.
Kay
Will he or she commit?
The majority of phone calls I receive are from women & men who want to know if their relationship is going to move towards a commitment. After only a few moments of listening to someone discuss his or her relationship, I can tell if the relationship is going to go somewhere or not. How?
I ask only two questions.
1. What does your heart tell you?
If they tell me they don't believe the other person wants to move towards commitment I ask them why? Most commonly, they tell me signs they did not pay close attention to or chose to ignore early on in the relationship. Signs of inattention to their feelings, showing up late for dates, not calling when they say they will, in general just indifference or lack of initiative in the relationship is a RED light.
2. What did you partner tell you while you were dating?
If they tell me their partner said they did not want to get married or get serious but they thought they would change their mind then a commitment is NOT going to happen here. When someone tells you they are not interested in a long-term relationship or marriage they are being honest with you. It is important to be honest with yourself as well.
Be your own best friend.
Listen to yourself. If you hear yourself saying something you do not believe, ask yourself what you would say if your very best friend, someone you love very much were sharing the same thoughts. Then listen to yourself. The answers really are inside of you.
You deserve the very best life has to offer you. You deserve to be happy, to love and be loved. Listen to yourself. Your feelings will not fail you; your instincts are there for your survival. Listen to yourself!
If you are reading this then you have questions about where you stand in your relationship. Give me a call and let us talk in person. Kay