Life Course Solutions

Don't Let Anger Rule Your Life

Plan To Respond Before You're Overwhelmed

Relax –

1)     Silently reassure yourself that you can tolerate the emotion without getting overwhelmed

2)     Use deep breathing, muscle relaxation or meditation to regulate the body’s response to stress

3)     Remove yourself from the situation before becoming flooded (See: Taking Time Out To Recover)

Slow The Conflict Down And Help Diffuse Your Partner’s Anger –

1)     Let the other person know that you heard and understood what they said to you

2)     Avoid escalating the conflict by using threatening remarks or gestures

3)     Write down each other’s concerns and feelings on a piece of paper

4)     Finish writing the entire list of complaints prior to trying to solve any problems

Communicate Clearly And Let Your Partner Know That You Are Listening –

1)     Stick to one subject at a time

2)     Avoid asking multiple questions that make your requests sound like a rapid fire interrogation

3)     Ask for feedback frequently to be certain that you have been heard and understood

4)     Paraphrase and describe the other person’s concerns and feelings as you understand them

5)     Avoid justifying your part in the argument until others have confirmed that you accurately understand how your actions affected them

6)     Avoid implying that the other person owes you anything when you tell them what you want

7)     Be responsible for how you react and use assertive “I” statements to let others know how you feel

Work Through The Conflict Resolution Process –

1)     If you have had frequent conflicts in the past, be aware of your partner’s fears and worries

2)     Be aware of how your partner might feel threatened by your expressions, posture or tone of voice

3)     Write down and review a list of your partners concerns

4)     Check with them to be sure that any additions they want to make to the list are accurate

5)     State your concerns and feelings using assertive “I” statements to express what you want to add

6)     Brainstorm to try and develop solutions to problems that will satisfy both of your needs

7)     Avoid blaming your partner for what they desire or for any proposed solutions they may think of

8)     If satisfying both of your needs is not possible, then look for ways to compromise

9)     Remember that successful solutions involve everyone getting the most out of the situation with the least amount of sacrifice

Take A Time Out To Recover –

1)     Avoid places or situations that would make it difficult for you to keep from becoming distressed

2)     If conflicts cannot be resolved immediately then, do not force a solution on the other person

3)     If conflicts become heated and emotions threaten to overwhelm you, then agree to take a break

4)     It is important to plan ahead and to agree on how you will take a break if it becomes necessary

5)     When taking time out, reassure your partner that you will return when you have calmed down

6)     Use the break to practice relaxation and to sooth yourself

7)     Do not resume the argument until your heart rate has returned to normal and you are calm

Are You Addicted To Love?

Coping With Sexual Addiction And Internet Pornography

Being attracted to members of the opposite sex is a natural part of what it means to be healthy human being. Women are frequently attracted to the way that men carry and present themselves. Men are especially drawn to appreciate the beauty of the female form. Our initial attraction is what compels us to enter into intimate relationships and to explore the possibility of becoming intimately involved with a potential spouse.

We all share a common desire to seek out and to become involved in loving relationships. Infants require a caretaker’s caress in order to remain healthy. Without the benefit of being touched infants cannot thrive. Adults who are involved in intimate relationships receive similar benefits. Being involved in an intimate relationship has been shown to reduce stress, reduce blood pressure and prolong life expectancy.

Men and women are meant to delight in one another. Sharing ourselves physically in a committed relationship is an important expression of intimacy and caring. A mutually satisfying sexual relationship between two loving partners may not only be physically satisfying, but it can also be an expression of their spiritual bond.

Unfortunately, most people rarely speak about what it means to be part of an intimate sexual relationship as an adult. Many parents are embarrassed and fail to educate their children about intimate relationships. The media often portrays sex as an act that simply serves to gratify a person’s physical needs. As a result many of us grow up with little understanding of the emotional and spiritual aspects of physical intimacy. Without a clear understanding of our emotional and physical needs, sex can become a significant source of distress. Many people struggle with worry and anxiety related to sexuality. When sex becomes a source of significant shame and emotional discomfort then problems can arise. Healthy desires can become entangled with any number of issues creating confusion and interfering with our personal lives.

Every one struggles with temptation from time to time. Attempting to cope with unmet emotional needs can be challenging. Coping with unfulfilled sexual desire along with barriers to the natural human need for intimacy can become a significant source of distress. Sexual release can quell the resultant anxiety by offering a person a temporarily sense of relief. However using sex to cope with anxiety can also add to the problem, especially when it is devoid of any genuine intimacy. This may involve so called casual sex, or the use of pornography to address what are essentially non-sexual emotional needs. The continued use of sex and pornography in this manner can lead to shame, which creates an even greater barrier to intimacy.

If any of the behaviors outlined below are familiar to you then you are not alone:

·        You find that you are distracted by pornographic images that arise in your mind

·        The temptation to view pornographic material or to act out sexually is difficult to resist

·        The temptation often leads you to ignore work, relationships or other obligations

·        The behavior is difficult for you to discuss and causes you to feel excessive guilt or shame

When shame or embarrassment leads us to hide our problems from others, then little can be done to overcome them.  If these problems are ignored they may get progressively worse.  Then acting out sexually can become a compulsion. 

How Can Sexual Behavior Become A Compulsion?

It is important not to confuse sexual compulsions with sexual desire. Most adults have a healthy sexual desire but not everyone feels compelled to act out sexually. Compulsions can arise when a person uses sex to address non-sexual emotional needs. People who suffer from sexual compulsions frequently use sexual behaviors to "medicate" or numb their feelings. Acting out sexually becomes their primary way of coping with emotional distress or to escape unpleasant emotions such as fear, anxiety or anger. Sex also acts as a powerful reinforcer that links context to the behavior, and increases the likelihood that individuals will engage in the behaviors again and again in similar situations.  In some cases, compulsions can escalate until they reach the level of an addiction.

Compulsive behaviors tend to progress from mild use, to abuse and then on to addiction. Sexual addiction is a lot like to any other addiction. People who become dependent on drugs or alcohol frequently do so in an order to alter their moods and to numb emotional pain. Many of the same neurochemicals that are released in the brain when people abuse drugs and alcohol are also released during sex. Individuals can eventually reach a point where they cannot cope without relying on the addictive substance.  Avoiding painful emotions rarely gets a person very far.  It is not uncommon for people who become caught in an addictive cycle to become isolated and depressed.

Sexual compulsions can take on many forms including the following sexual behaviors:

·        Porn obsession (pornographic photos, videos, magazines, cyber-sex, Web sites)

·        Trading sexual massages in chat rooms on the computer or over the phone

·        Compulsive masturbation

·        Chronic affairs

·        Anonymous sex

A basic approach in recognizing any compulsive behavior is to assess whether it is creating overwhelming trouble in your life and yet you choose to return to it despite the problem.

A common misconception among individuals who are caught in this cycle is that the problem will go away on its own.  They will often say to themselves, "This is my only opportunity... I will never get a chance like this again...this is the last time that I am going to..." but experience and research shows that many will return to the same sexual situations, in spite of previous vows to change if they do not seek professional help.

If your sexual behavior is draining your time and energy and it causes you to compromise your core values and the beliefs that you hold dear to your heart then there is likely a problem.  If you are acting out sexually and your behavior has resulted in health complications (psychological and/or physical), job loss, financial problems, strained or broken relationships or more serious consequences then you may be addicted.

Feeling Powerless Is At The Heart Of The Sexual Addiction Process

According to Sex Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step program dedicated to helping sex addicts, "...the essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable.  The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing."  Another one of the traits of sex addiction is that it is progressive in nature.  In other words, these habitual behaviors increase in frequency and variety. The progressive nature of sex addiction can result in extreme consequences.

The sex addict does not necessarily need to have sex with an individual in order to be addicted.  Pornography addiction or cyber-sex is a type of sexual addiction in which the individual, more often than not, masturbates to pornographic images on the Internet.  This compulsive behavior where increasing amount of time is invested in downloading images, creating files and exchanging sexual information with others via chat rooms creates a fantasy world in which the sex addict spends most of his time.

The Internet provides exactly what an addict seeks: material to fuel his insatiable sexual desires and secretly feed his fantasy in an isolated environment with an endless variety that is available not only at a touch of a button but also at any time of the day.  These fantasies and rituals numb an individual’s emotional pain and stress.  Individuals may act out sexually dozens, if not, hundreds of times before experiencing true intimacy with a real person.

The sex addicts who use the Internet undergo a speedy progression of their addiction.  An exorbitant amount of time may be spent in front of the computer, which leads to greater risks, increasing one's chances of getting caught.  This is the reason why porn addiction has been appropriately deemed the "crack cocaine" of sex addiction.

According to review Web sites such as WebSense.com and Internetfilterreview.com, Internet pornography statistics for the year 2003 were as follows:

·        90% of 8-16 year olds have viewed porn online (most while doing homework)

·        The largest consumer of Internet pornography is the age group between 12 - 17

·        About 12% of total Web sites are pornographic

·        25% of total search engine requests are porn-related

The consequences of sexual compulsions can be devastating to not only the person suffering from them but also those close to him/her. In extreme cases it can leave an individual isolated, intensely anxious and depressed to the point of being suicidal. Low self-esteem, shame, hopelessness and despair are also common feelings experienced by those who struggle with sexual compulsions.

·        70% report severe marital or relationship problems

·        40% report the loss of a partner or spouse

The ramifications of sexual compulsions do not end on an emotional level but rather, continue onto medical, financial and legal ones as well.

Can Romantic Relationships Become Addictive Too?

The desire to be in a relationship can become addictive for some people. Much like sex addiction, relationships can become addictive when they are used to satisfy other emotional needs.

So how different is love addiction from that of a sexual one?  Basically, it is an unhealthy attachment to people and romance in an endeavor to fulfill unmet developmental needs.  Like drug addicts and alcoholics, "love" addicts establish love relationships, get high on the romance, develop a tolerance for it, and need ever-greater doses to keep going.  Love addicts can never find fulfillment and consistency in any of their love relationships thus, it is not uncommon for them to have several love relationships with different people going on at the same time.  For them, love is all consuming and obsessive, avoids risk and lacks true intimacy.

Like any other addict, "love" addicts search for something to mend their pain, fear and other uncomfortable emotions.  For these addicts, that "something" is people or a romantic relationship.  The search for people that remind addicts of their past is not uncommon.  The hope is that these new relationships will meet their needs in a way previous ones could not.  However, because these new relationships are "similar" to old ones the addict is rendered, once again, dissatisfied.

Psychologist and author, Brenda M. Schaeffer puts it best: "The paradox is that love addiction is an attempt to gain control of [their] lives, and in so doing: [they] go out of control by giving personal power to someone outside [themselves].  Addictive love is an attempt to satisfy [their] developmental hunger for security, sensation, power, belonging, and meaning.  Love addiction is very often associated with feelings of "never having enough" or "not being enough".  None of [them] got everything [they] needed in just the way [they] needed it in [their] developmental history.  ["Love" addicts] literally walk around with holes in [their] psyche and look for others to fill those holes."

Common symptoms of Love Addicts

·        Constantly in search of a new romance or significant other

·        Using romantic intensity to deal with stress or difficult emotions

·        Frequently involved in abusive relationships or choosing an emotionally unavailable partner

·        Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a romantic relationship

·        Being alone is almost unbearable

·        Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite vows made to self or others

·        Feeling disconnected and dissatisfied in a relationship but frantic and alone if not in one

·        Having great difficulty leaving unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others

Sex Addiction Self-Assessment

Only mental health professionals have the knowledge and experience to diagnose sex addiction.  However, there are numerous "red flags" that can indicate that there is a problem.  The following is a list of common attributes of a sex addict.  Please note that behaviors are not limited to the list below.  Individuals who recognize any of these patterns in their own life or the life of someone close to them should seek professional help:

·        Obsession over sex to the point where it intrudes your daily routine or hinders your ability to maintain your job and relationships

·        Having numerous XXX videos and magazines at home

·        Excessive and compulsive masturbation

·        Neglect of important social, occupational or recreational activities

·        Constant preoccupation with sexual fantasies which interferes with daily routine

·        A dependence on sexually explicit material in order to become aroused or reach orgasm

·        "Cruising" down the streets but calling it "people watching"

·        Practicing unprotected anonymous sex on an ongoing basis

·        Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior.  A common rationalization is, "I'll deal with the consequences when I experience them"

·        Ongoing endeavor to set barriers to sexual behavior such as moving to a new neighborhood, getting married or even starving themselves sexually

·        The addict experiences intense mood shifts due to shame and despair

·        Tremendous energy is spent on obtaining sex, being sexual and then recovering from the consequences

Sexual Addiction Treatment

Although this is not the case for all sexual addicts, for many addicts their sexual addiction has its roots in trauma endured during their childhood.  According to Dr. Patrick Carnes in his book, "Contrary to Love" his research showed that 97% of sex addicts were emotionally abused, 72% were physically abused and 81% were sexually abused.

Therefore, treatment often entails some form of counseling.  The addict has some options to choose from such as: individual psychotherapy, twelve step programs or support groups.  It is recommended that the addict pursue a combination of individual therapy in conjunction with a twelve step program.

So once an individual decides to pursue therapy what will therapy look like?

The goal of therapy does not revolve around abolishing sex altogether but rather to find alternate ways to cope with stress, anxiety or emotional pain.  In other words, sex will be placed in its proper context.

One of the first things accomplished in therapy is to understand the cycle of addiction.  Here, the addict will get an understanding of short and long term events that have contributed to his stress and anxiety.  Next, the therapist will help the addict identify some possible triggers (people, places, things, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that make one feel anxious or stressed and want to act out).  Finally, due to the abuse in the addicts' family of origin, a majority of the counseling may entail grief work around the trauma and identifying cognitive distortions (errors we make in our thinking or thinking in extremes).

If you are struggling with internet pornography or sex addiction, contact me and I can provide you with self test questionnaires, and worksheets to help guide you through the healing process.