http://www.mkaykeller.blogspot.com

Getting children to eat their veges? I decided this was an appropriate follow up to last week's blogger, power struggles. It is important that children get nutrition even though their taste buds are developing and they have a more acute sense of taste than we who have dulled our senses with lousy food do. And inspite of the fact that we as adults do not eat every vegetable in the food group or have any hesitancy in telling others just which foods we like or do not like. It is still important that children get their nutrition so that their brain cells and body grow at a healthy pace. So here is what I suggest. Throw the power struggles away! BUY the book! Get Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld

Power Struggles? Power struggles are easy to get into and when you are the adult they are easy to win. The real question is not whether or not you can win a power struggle with your child, the real question is should you win a power struggle with your child or anyone else for that matter. Everyone has power in a relationship. In a truly happy relationships, people show respect for one another. My grandma use to say do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? You cannot be both. It wasn't until I was an adult and many years older that I started to understand what she meant. When I am always right, then someone else is always wrong. People do not remember what you tell them, they remember how you make them feel. So if I have to right all the time then the other person walks away feeling wrong, like a loser. How long does anyone want to be around me or anyone else when they end up feeling like a loser 24/7? People who are always right are rarely happy and some spend a lot of time alone. This is even more pronounced when in a power struggle with children that leads to them being overpowered. Even when you win, ultimately you lose. A child by nature is smaller and more likely to incite power struggles as they are trying to gain some control over their lives over their feelings of powerlessness. When an adult overpowers a child, the child feels their powerlessness, their smallness more so. Often times children who are rarely allowed to make a decision for them self will grow up as an insecure, dependent, helpless adult or rebellious in their nature. Empowering children leaves them feeling competent to make decisions in their own behalf. In reality life is full of situations in which, to one extreme or another, we are powerless over. We don't however have to be helpless. One of the ways adults can stay in control and also foster empowerment in children is to give them two options that you can live with (NEVER post an option you don't want them to take they will invariably pick the one you can't live with). This way the situation becomes a win, win situation for both of you. Many time parents are in power struggles with toddlers over eating, potty training...really who is the silly one here? Can we really gain power over when a child peas or poops or eats? This type of control is an illusion. Seriously, the only adult who needs this much control that belongs to someone so small is someone who feels so powerless and helpless them self. The point of potty training and any other aspect of parenting is to support the child in gaining control over her or himself. Knowing how to teach or model behavior that clearly differentiates between powerless (lack of control over other people, places and things) versus control over our own choices (empowerment versus helplessness) is the ultimate parenting skill.

Grandma's Conversations with Grandchildren! Sierra Jade: My ears still hurt Grandma! Grandma: Why Sierra your ears were pierced 6 weeks ago. They should be healed my now. Why are they still hurting? Sierra Jade: Because my ears are sensible. Grandma: Sensible? Sierra Jade: Yeah, grandma. Like you know how your ears are sensible? Grandma: You mean sensitive Sierra? Sierra Jade: Yeah, but sensible sounds better. ________________________________________________________ Sierra Jade: Grandma, is a pumpkin a fruit or a vegetable? Grandma: Oh Sierra I still don't know if the tomato argument is cleared up yet. Sierra Jade: Grandma, what argument? I just want to know if a pumpkin is a fruit or a vegetable. Grandma: Well let's see if we can figure it out. Does it have seeds? Sierra Jade: Yes, well yes it has seeds. Then I guess it is a fruit. Grandma: Hmmmmm pause Sierra Jade: Well I don't care if it is a vegetable, I still don't like to eat pumpkin. Grandma: Well if that is the case then I guess squash is a fruit too. Do you like Squash? Sierra Jade: Well no I don't like either of them. Grandma! I wonder if there is such a thing as a squashedpumpkin? Grandma: Well if there was then you would you like them? Sierra Jade: No silly grandma! I wouldn't like the squashedpumpkin either. Grandma: Well then neither the pumpkin nor the squashedpumpkin are in any danger of being eaten by you are they? Sierra Jade: "giggles" Nope! _________________________________________________________ Sierra Jade holding her hand up to my hand. "Grandma, my hands are still smaller than yours." Pause Sierra Jade still looking at grandma's hands: Grandma? Your hands are really old! My hands are really young! (giggles) That apple didn't fall far from the tree her mother was about 14 when she compared the girls and decided hers were definitely perkier than mine. (chuckles) _______________________________________________________ Sierra Jade rambling through the papers on my art paper. Pulls one up and out of the stack. She holds it up and turns to me while I am writing on the computer. SJ: Grandma? Me: Yes, Sierra? SJ: See this painting of mine? Me: Yes, Sierra. It is quite lovely. SJ: I painted this when I was only 3 (she is 7 now). Me: Yes, you did. It is still quite lovely. SJ: Yes, I was quite the artist even then! _______________________________________________________ I have 4 beautiful grandchildren in Oregon. When I went up for the birth of the 1st one I was so excited to be able to do infant massage on her. Who knew how well we would bond in such a short time. I am only able to go up twice a year to see them all. When she could barely talk I received a phone call one day from her. She was excitedly talking away and in the middle of it I heard her say, "Me Delta!" Her mom finished the call by telling me she finds me on her speed dial. She has pushed the button and called several times as so have the older children. I don't tell because they are not suppose to be "playing" with mom and dad's cell phones. Delta, as her mother tells me has tossed her cell phone to her and said, "here mom, I can't find grandma's number." This is mom's clue it's time to call grandma. One day I was rushing to get into my car as I was late going somewhere. (No news to my friends and family). My cell rang. I could see by the caller ID it was my son who lives in Oregon. The newest Grandchild Thatcher was almost a year old. I answered the phone and no one was there. "Butt dialing me again!" Or so I thought. Then the phone rang two more times. Each time I responded with a hello and each time I heard silence. The third time I thought, "Could it be? Could it be Thatcher?" Thatcher was the only remaining non verbal member of the household. So the next time it rang I said, "Thatcher Cole is that you? This is grandma!" To my surprise, I heard heavy breathing and then baby talk. Sure enough speed dialing is easy when you are preverbal! By this time someone was missing their cell phone and we both had a chuckle! I am convinced of course like all grandparents, my grandchildren are just brilliant! Keep posted for more delightful things they say! Grandma Kay

Permission to Parent There seems to be a lot of confusion about Child led parenting these days. Listening to a baby's cues and meeting their needs is NOT spoiling them. It is what parents do because babies are helpless. The key to knowing when to pull back and when to do for an older child is this: Never do for someone what they can honestly do for themselves. NOW notice this does not mean you do not tie your toddler's shoes just because you think or someone else thinks they "should" be able to do this for themself. This means that once they know how to tie their shoes it is not in their best interest or yours for you to tie their shoes. They need to feel competent, the need to feel in control of their own body and their ability to take care of themself. Again within reason. However, on a weekly basis I have parents who write to me to ask if their child should be drinking, having sex and a myriad of other outrageous behaviors that are not appropriate for a child under the age of 18 or 21. Parents have written and asked me if they should allow their underage child to get, married, have sex, or get a job. On the other hand I have parents who write me and tell me the horrors of an out of control child who is abusive to them and other family members only to find out the child is 18-26 (some are even 30!). It is almost as if parents can't find their base. That inner guidance that tells them when to exert parental influence and when to pull back so their child can grow into an adult. A child's brain is not done forming until approximately 25 years of age. Why we even allow 21-25 year olds to drink, get married or go to war is beyond my comprehension. This period of time is for them to become independent. Learning how to get jobs, pay bills and so on and so forth. Under age children are never to be told it is okay to have sex, drink, or get married! This isn't based upon values. It is basic common sense. They need time to grow and become emotionally competent human beings. On the other hand young children do not need to be repressed and over controlled. It is during these years that we have the opportunity as parents to allow children the space to make decisions and to learn that our actions have consequences. Love and Logic, Positive Parenting, Nurturing Parenting and Attachment Parenting are all parenting philosophies that I strongly support. Getting with other parents who hold these philosophies is helpful for most parents as they can then guide, support and mentor each other into a kinder more compassionate parenting style without abdicating the responsibilities of being a parent during the teen years. What do you think? Enjoy my recommended reading list. Email me today and I will provide the list.

Separation Anxiety - Toddlers & Day care Many times parents write and describe their angst over leaving their toddler at day care. Sometimes toddlers cry and scream when left even for a few hours in a daycare. Well this is good news. It usually means they miss you when you are not with them. They are attached and bonded to their parent. What I explain to parents is that a baby/toddler/child has a different perspective of time than an adult does. Children usually do not have a concept of a clock and timing until they are approximately 8 years of age (give or take a year or two). Before children learn to tell time they base their perceptions of their day upon processes. What happens next? This is why consistent routines are essential to children. They need to know not what time it is when they move to the next activity, they need to know which activity is coming next. Schedules and routines are not the same thing. Schedules are foreign to children and often parents place a heavy emphasis on scheduling a baby/toddler/child who is incapable of fluxing with the change in routines. Sometimes parents whose child has had a consistent routine will write me with a description of a sudden onset of screaming and acting out behaviors which are new to their child. Almost always when I question them there has been some upset in the child's normal routine. What can parents do to support a child who is suffering from separation anxiety? For little ones I suggest sending an article of clothing that belongs to the parent and Smells like mom or dad. Placing a picture of the caregiver where the child can see the picture and self soothe during the day is another great example of providing support during their day. Remember when you were small how long a day could be? While you are working, running errands or just taking a break time moves very quickly. For a child who is mourning your absence the time ticks by very slowly. An hour can seem like an entire day! In addition to providing daytime support, check the child's morning and evening routine. Make sure that although you maybe in a hurry you do not drop a part of the morning routine and expect your child to adjust. If you skip a step, you need to expect some fallout! The same with evening routines. Having a consistent and nurturing evening/bedtime routine is essential to keeping things on an even keel. Your child will feel safer and you will benefit as well!

Spanking? What is your view? Spanking is a controversial subject for most people. I have been a strong advocate for Nurturing Parenting/non-violent parenting for many years. I have often been surprised by the resistance and sometimes down right anger that meets the accumulated research for the last 100 years indicating negative outcomes for children who have been spanked. Email me if you would like to read the review of a 100 years of research. I have concluded questioning parenting practices goes to the heart of the perception of American Freedoms of ownership of one's child rather than the privilege of bringing vulnerable children into the world, gratitude for the lessons they teach us and they joy of watching them become all they can be. However, this maybe a cynical perspective on my part. I heard questioning parenting practices is an overwhelming task of self analysis in which people are hesitant to travel this road because of a deep seated fear of guilt, blame and shame. Common responses of parents have been "hey my parents spanked me and they did it because they loved me. I turned out all right." Most parents who spanked did so and then told their children it was all about love. Children believe most of what we say because they love us. Therefore, a child who is spanked out of "love" will believe that spanking is a loving act, often without questioning the pain and humiliation of a spanking. Thus children are taught not to accept what their inner guidance system is telling them. They are forced to choose between the belief that they are love and the survival mechanisms of their own psyche. They are forced to accept what they are told over what they have experienced. Is this a painful topic? Of course it is! No one who spanks wants to deal with the true impact of their actions. This involves taking responsibility for having mistakenly hit a child and causing them physical pain. I do believe that most parents hit their children believing it is for the best. Some parents are in so much pain themselves it becomes an unconscious act of dumping one's own emotional pain onto a child. I KNOW the pain of self exploration. I started out spanking my children. Having been physically abused as a child. I truly believed that spanking was the adult way of disciplining after all I wasn't raising my children the way I had been raised, being hit without cause or beaten with a belt or slamming their heads into a sink. They were not beaten. Only smacked on the behind and not when they were babies or toddlers as if that made a difference. What changed my thinking? I was alone, single with 3 small children in tow when I went back to college. I learned that both positive and negative reinforcement increased behavior. I read up on reinforcement patterns and it didn't take long to realize that children who receive eye contact only during criticisms, discipline and spankings are going to increase their undesirable (bad) behaviors to obtain more negative attention (eye contact) rather than ceasing undesirable behavior. Just one of the many reasons spanking doesn't work. For those who say spanking works, how many times have you had to spank for the same act? More than once? How is that working for you? How good do you feel after your spank your child? It NEVER felt good to me. I remember getting angry at my child because they had acted out and I had to spank them. How crazy is this thinking? As if I being the adult was not more powerful and stronger than the child. As if I could not make another choice? Spanking is what adults resort to out of lazy parenting. It is easier to hit than to take the time to figure out a more creative solution. These thoughts and many more were food for pondering much over the years. The more I studied the more condemnation I felt. As I realized what their bodies had endured at my hands, my soul became tortured. I read study upon study which showed that cortisol is released in a child's body which has many consequences. High levels of cortisol are related to many long term health conditions. I decided while I could not undo the harm already committed. I could begin again. Each day was a new beginning. I could understand when they acted out worse by trying to elicit the behavior from me they were use to and I could one day at a time learn to forgive myself and move forward. Each moment of new parenting was a new beginning. www.dailyom.com/articles/2009/21565.html I move forward in my life now. Hoping that my early parenting experiences will help others. Will make the world a better safer, more nurturing place for children. Although I confess to having made these grave errors in judgements I know I did so out of ignorance, not a lack of love for my children. It is not an easy journey I have chosen. Since I began this exploration I have discovered that people do not start out spanking an older child as I did. They actually hit and spank babies. Babies who cannot even formulate words to speak up or say what they are feeling. My quest is to promote nurturing parenting, massaging of babies/children, sign language, and other techniques and tools that will make parenting a loving, kinder and supportive experience for both the children and their parents. It is crucial to give parents supports that work. For parents who believe it is a cultural practice. I challenge any culture that normalizes violent parenting practices. For those who consider it a biblical practice, I challenge each verse of the bible. Remember to Discipline comes from the word "disciple" which means to teach. The analogies of the good Shepard who guided the sheep with his rod. The rod measured the sheep's growth and gently guided the sheep to safety by the "Good Shepard." There is no indication or supporting documentation that "to spare the rod and spoil the child" meant to beat a child with the rod. May you begin to reach out one day at a time. Email me to find out how to follow my tweets. Don't forget to subscribe to my blog here by clicking on the RSS feed! M Kay Keller

Toddler not sleeping? Parent asks: I am a young mother of two wonderful boys. My youngest is 1 1/2 and he still wakes up in the middle of the night to take a bottle. Not only does he wake up to take a bottle he is still sleeping in my bed. I need to find an effective way to get him to sleep so I can sleep at night as well. He is a big boy (33 lbs.), so I am not sure if he is just hungry or just in the habit of waking up and taking a bottle. Not only do we both not get sleep, I am going through diapers like made. Once he has a bottle if diaper of course gets wet. Please help will any advice that you can. Answer: While I am pro-sleeping with children and not a advocate of giving children bottles before bedtime for the obvious reasons (bed wetting). I think I have an answer for you we both can live with! It is more important, critically important to stick with the routine over a schedule. So if you get off of your schedule you need to adjust the time and NOT the routine. I strongly advocate setting a bedtime routine. (Now notice there is a big difference between schedules and routines!) A routine allows a child to be conditioned for sleep. Here is what I suggest you adhere to: 1. 30 minutes before bedtime start checking the environment for noise and reduce it. Is the TV on? Is the stereo on? If so turn them off or put some really relaxing music on that promotes sleep. 2. Turn the lights down. Bright lights and loud noises are too stimulating on a little one's underdeveloped nervous system. 3. Let the little one know that he will be going to bed in 30 minutes. 4. Bedtime story time. (You can do this before or after bathe time). 5. If you bathe him at night then go have fun with bathe time. Give him some one on one here and keep it simple. Who doesn't love to have their back washed with love? 6. When he gets out have fun getting him ready for bed. Massage him. Make this a part of your nightly routine and you will both benefit from his head to toe massage!(Include some aroma therapy, recommend Gentle baby essential oil put on a cotton ball and stick it in the air vent of his room. The smell will relax you both through the massage and for bedtime.) I can help you find quality essential oils. Email me for the informaiton. M Kay Keller 7. Put some nature music or the heartbeat sounds on in his room. He will probably sleep quite deep after his bedtime massage. You will notice as the weeks go on and you keep this routine that he will begin to get tired earlier when he sees the cues it is bedtime and will sleep longer. This is not a one night cure! Your consistency is the key to your success. It must be consistent so he will be trained to go to sleep and stay asleep! Sweet Dreams! I have a great CD to recommend. Email me and I will tell you how to find it. M Kay Keller

Letting go of pets? Question: My daughter is 4 yrs old and we have 2 dogs we are going to have to give away. She is going to be crushed she is very attached. Do you have any tips for making this any easier? Thanks for your time Kay: Children do grieve even more so because they feel everything. Their brains are not as developed as ours are, we tend to rationalize our feelings more than children do. So they are full of emotional reactions. What I would suggest is getting pictures of her and the dog together so she can have them in "special" picture frames. Letting her meet (if possible) the new owners and see where they will be kept. (I am not saying this will make it all better however it will include her in the process and give her a place to picture her dogs in her mind rather than just disappearing). Also, after the dogs are gone give her ample opportunity to play her feelings out by drawing or talking to her dogs on a play phone. Above all don't avoid her questions or her wanting to talk about the dogs. The more you respond the more she can release her emotions and this too, like all else in life will pass.

Find yourself wonderng why others don't understand you or care about you?

Are you a professional Victim?

Do you wonder why others are "so sensitive?"

Often time we go through our day being unaware of how we impact the lives of others. It is a given we will step on each other accidently without meaning to (if  you mean to then there is another posting necessary for mean behaviors). However how we respond to our actions and take responsibility says alot about who we are and what our character is like.

In any relationship heartfelt apologies can go a long way to bringing people together. Here is an article on developing the art of apologies.

How to Apologize

We all know what an apology is--an expression of remorse or guilt over having said or done something that is acknowledged to be hurtful or damaging, and a request for forgiveness. But we also know it can be really hard to swallow our pride and say "I'm sorry." If you have a difficult time making amends for mistakes or repairing the effects of angry words, here's how to keep your dignity while being humble, and invite forgiveness with grace.

 Steps

From Wikihow/aplogies

Audrianna
Category:	Babies/Toddlers
Subject:	14 month old son pottying
Question:	i have been wondering whether or not to start potty training my 14 month old son. Whenever he has to pee h yells to get my attention and grabs at his diaper. just today i was in the kitchen and i heard him yelling to get my attention.... well i peeked around the corner and he had his diaper off handed it to me and was pointing and yelling at a piece of poop on the floor. so i am wondering if he is giving me cues that he is ready to use a potty. thank you
Answer:	Dear Audrianna: Please do trust your instincts as they are very good. YES a child who shows this much interest and engages you in his bathroom routine is trying to get your attention. I would not push it, just get a little potty chair and show him how to use it, even get a little baby book on going potty (there are lots of them now) and do a song with his name in it. (Johnny is going to the potty, potty, potty, Johnny is going to the potty, potty, potty. You get the drift.) Kids love sing song games and it really helps them to not fear the whole process. It is very important not to show any disappointment or disapproval when he has an accident. Only show positive attention for positive behavior. Realize to that sometimes children show an interest early on and then later don't want to be bothered. Just take your time and have fun with him! Kay Live Advice 1-888-INGENIO 0380074 http://www.ingenio.com/M+Kay+Keller

Question:	Hi and thank you for being a part of this site. You really caught my interest about teens and toddlers. I have 4 boys that are 14, 3, 2, and 7 months. My question is about my teen. He is going into 10th grade. He failed 3 of the 4 major courses in 9th and then failed 1 of the 2 courses in summer school. He has made new friends and I am happy about his choices. My issues are his grades, his talking back and his lack of responsibility for anything. I do not think he drinks or smokes or has sex. Recently he has been hanging out more and wanting more freedom. I don't know what rules and responsibilities are reasonable at this age. My husband thinks I am hard on him but I don't agree. He doesn't have any chores and is failing school. I decided he is no longer allowed to sleep out b/c I am almost positive the one boy does not have a curfew and is not monitored at all. With the new school year coming I want us to come up with a balanced family plan to help him succeed. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated! Thank you, KC
Answer:	Dear KC: Yes, his pulling away from his family is a normal response of teens. However, have you asked him what is up with his grades? How does he respond? Remember to really listen sometimes you have to read between the lines. Sometimes learning challenges do not show up until later in junior high and early in high school. Maybe have him screened for a learning challenge. If there is nothing wrong then he needs more motivation for doing well than not doing well. Find out what motivates him and plug incentives into his activities. Best Wishes! Kay

Many people call me and claim to be "unlucky" in love. What they do not realize is they are receiving exactly what they are asking for to be unlucky in love. Many of these people have learned they are helpless in taking action to change their life or the outcomes in their lives.

Learned helplessness brings about permanence (it has always been this way it will continue to be this way), personalization (it is me, I am the reason I am so unlucky) and pervasiveness (generalization - I am just not a lucky person in any area of my life). This type of a personal belief system is all about giving ones power away!

Now why would someone choose to live his or her life this way? Why would you choose to live your life this way instead of reaching for happiness? There are so payoffs for believing you cannot be happy. By giving power away, a person can be a victim, feel entitled to more and wait to be rescued. Realize none of the three beliefs brings about personal responsibility. All three lead a person to the VERBs in their life. Victimization, entitlement, rescue, blame someone else and none of them are I focused. People often continue in these modes of thinking and being for long periods, some never come to realize they have the personal power to change their lives to be happy. If someone mentions to them that they can change their life, they become very JADED. Justify, Argue, Defend and/or Explain why they are the way they are, or why their lives are this way.

Many times people act out trying to become happy with their life or themselves. They try to buy happiness (spending and debting addictions) seek happiness through pleasure (food, sex, drug and alcohol addictions), force happiness by trying to overcome their weaknesses (workaholism). They fall into worldly TRAPs.

TRAPs such as Power, Perfectionism, Control, Status, and Possessions. The problem is once we adapt to our pleasures or distractions by becoming accustomed to them, they lose their power to please us. These pleasures such as feasting, intoxicants, dancing, music, stories, sex, work success, material gain, and money eventually become mundane and dead. They only cover up our darkest fears of not being enough or having enough.

Instead, feelings of love, courage and optimism are actions, which produce a life of happiness and joy.

1. Love someone else - wholeheartedly, for the simple joy of loving.

2. Optimism - what hurts us or pleases also teaches us about life, about ourselves.

3. Courage - moving into the next moment even when we do not know what lies ahead.

4. Freedom - we have freedom in each moment to make a choice.

5. Pro-activity - Do not wait for someone else to make you happy, be pro-active in living each moment, each day.

6. Security - security comes from liking who you are and what you can do!

7. Health - express your feelings, find your words, live each moment making the best choices for your body, your heart, yourself.

8. Spirituality - be concerned about your fellowman and what you can contribute to the world. Connect each day with the source of your spiritual life.

9.  Perspective. Realize there are always opposite sides to an opinion a belief, put life into perspective, don't sweat the small stuff, worry doesn't change anything it only gives you something worthless to do, change the way you see things or think about them. Learn to give thanks in all that you do and receive.

10. Altruism - get outside of yourself. Do something each day for others without any expectation of receiving anything in return.

11. Humor - Learn to laugh at life, laugh at yourself, and laugh at the sheer joy of being in each moment.

12. Purpose - know you are hear for a reason....to BE you!

 

Remember to appreciate each moment of your life. Even in loss, you can appreciate the preciousness of life.

Remember to appreciate, make choices, respect your personal power, lead with your strengths, use your words at work, in relationships and to keep you healthy, realize life is multi-dimensional.

When pain comes remember it will also bring joy. You have to be ready to receive Joy. If you can only receive pain then all you will know is pain. Let Joy come to you, reside with you, and be with you. You deserve a full and wonderful life.

When you are here, you will attract someone else who can appreciate you for the truly wonderful human being you are!

Kay

 

 

...conflict about sex and/or money!

     What really breaks people up is the inability to talk about sex and/or money! Communication and unrealistic expectations of others and ourselves are what really ruin relationships.

     So in the upcoming weeks, let's discuss both of these. Post your questions here and let's talk about it in a forum that is non-threatening. This can be as confidential and as anonymous as you would like it to be.

Sex or Money? Which is it for you?

Kay

 

Two common mistakes people make in relationships are holding unspoken expectations and the need to be right! Let's deal first with the need to be right.

Are you a person who always has to be right in the discussion? Do you need to win every argument or disagreement? If so, then you have come to the right blog!

Why is the need to be right such a relationship killer? Well if you are always right then where does that leave your partner? They are always wrong. Is this really possible? Are you really so perfect that you are always right and the person who loves you, who you have chosen to be with is always wrong? Are they really that big of a loser? Then why are you with this person?

My point is, if you are always right then you leave the other person in the relationship feeling as if they are a loser. Who wants to be with or live with someone who sees them as a loser or makes them feel less than wonderful when they are around them? Being right all the time has consequences, it diminishes the joy in the relationship. Therefore, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. Really being right all the time does not bring happiness into your life because those high standards are standards you probably apply to yourself as well. What happens when you do make a mistake or are wrong about something? Are you able to feel good about yourself or do you feel like a loser?

If you are thinking, "but I am only happy when I am right. If I am not right then I can't be happy!" Think again. If you are ONLY happy when you are RIGHT then you are not happy in all the in between times of being right! Who wants their happiness based upon an external event! Happiness is something you can cultivate on a moment-to-moment basis and not allow it to be fleeting such as when you are right and someone else is wrong.

What my grandma was getting to is there is truth and agreement in all things. I can find away to agree with someone without having to discount, discredit and minimize everything they say. If someone attacks me and says, "you are lazy!" I can respond to them by saying, "well I probably could do more around the house." It does not mean because I agreed with them that I totally agree with them and they are 100% right, it only means that I am human and because I am human there is always room for improvement. Whether or not I choose to change this is totally up to me.

If you are in a relationship and you value this relationship however, you have a need to be right try and find areas in which you can compromise. Not all areas, just some areas. No one is passionate about every idea, every topic, and every conversation 100% of the time. So set down and figure out what your deal breakers are for you.

For instance, I can compromise to a point on what movies I go to see. I do not have to see the one I want each time. I can say hey I picked last time you pick this time, etc....my deal breakers are extreme violence and sci-fi which I would rather stay home and do the dishes...however there are many other types of movies I would go to see with someone that would not have been my first choice.

If it is politics, you are in disagreement rather than having to be right (people who are comfortable about their beliefs do not have to defend them anyway) hear the other person out and let them state their views without your judgments, onions, or commentaries. LISTENING does not mean you AGREE or are WRONG. It only means you know how to show respect to others regardless of whether or not you agree. Very few things in life are 100% for sure except maybe gravity.

So just for today, ask yourself in all of your relationships, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" The choice is yours.

Sincerely,

Kay