Sensate focus is a term associated with a set of specific sexual exercises for couples or for individuals. The term was introduced by Masters and Johnson, and was aimed at increasing personal and interpersonal awareness of self and the other's needs. Each participant is encouraged to focus on their own varied sense experience, rather than to see orgasm as the sole goal of sex.
A therapist will usually guide the timing and technique of the sensate focusing. In the first stage, the couple may touch each other's body to the exclusion of breasts and genitals. They are encouraged to enjoy and become increasingly aware of the texture and other qualities of their partner's skin. Intercourse is disallowed. Any focus on the genitals is not allowed. Participants concentrate on what they themselves find interesting in the skin of the other, not on what they think the other may enjoy.
The second stage increases the touch options to include breasts. Sensation and gathering information about the partner's body is still encouraged and intercourse and touching of the genitals is still forbidden. The participants then use a technique of placing their hand over their partner's hand in order to show what they find pleasureable in terms of pace and pressure. The toucher's interests as far as learning about the partner's body are still the goal rather than the 'touchee's' pleasure.
Further stages include the gradual introduction of genitals and then full intercourse. Orgasm is never the focus. The idea is that is a natural occurrence to arousal.
Sensate focus is also used as a treatment for impotence in males, and arousal difficulties especially where anxiety is involved. The perceived problem is that the patient is primarily concerned with his/her genitals, performing, and having orgasm, ie.. what he/she is doing and how he/she is feeling, and is not paying enough attention to the rest of his/her body or that of his/her partner. Because of performance anxiety in men, the obsessional focus on the penis can result in impotence or flacidity. These men appear to be relatively ignorant of the potential for sensual possibilities in the rest of the human body and to be focused on orgasm as a goal. The therapist will encourage the man to forget about his penis, and forget about his partner's genitals, and instead concentrate on the sensual possibilities available in the feel of his own and his partner's skin, hair, mouth, body, (breasts), etc.
Contact with the penis is 'forbidden' and the only sexual contact that is 'allowed' is sensate focusing: sessions of interaction with the partner during which only the non-penis aspects of sex are explored: touching, talking, hugging, kissing, and so on. This includes not only touch but taste, sound and hearing, as partners are encouraged to talk to each other, to express emotion and to encourage each other.
The goal here is that this gradually leads the man to have an appreciation of a whole new set of sensual possibilities, leading to a reduced concentration on the penis and its tendency to be the male's dominant concern. Patients often report an improvement in their sex life generally with less anxiety. As the man reports increasing awareness and attention paid to these holistic sense aspects of sex, potency often returns. This works well for women too. Women report more sensation in their vagina, and lubrication.
I borrowed this from Wikipedia, but I found a lot of mistakes. So I corrected them in my blog. Thanks!
Holiday Depression And Stress
The holiday season is expected to be a fun time of year filled with parties, celebrations and social gatherings with family and friends. For many people, however, it is a time filled with stress, sadness, self-reflection, loneliness, depression and anxiety also known as what I call "the Holiday Blues."
Some reasons for the Holiday Blues
Balancing the demands of work, plus the added shopping, parties, family obligations, and house guests can contribute to feelings of being overwhelmed, increased tension, and fatigue.
Built-up expectations, disappointments from the previous year, self-reflection, unrealistic expectations from friends, family, and self can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress.
Over-commercialization suggestions that importance of the holidays is meant for families, whereas only about 25% of all individuals in America are living within what would be considered a traditional family at the present time. Death, separation, divorce, remarriage, and job-related separations cause many individuals to feel a dissonance with the traditional holiday-related values. Not to mention living far away from from one's family and friends can cause sadness, and loneliness.
Americans spend 95% of their paycheck on a regular basis. During the holidays debt increases considerably. This can cause significant pressure.
Also, the holiday season happens to fall during a time of year when there are the fewest number of hours of daylight. Research has shown that ten percent of our population is significantly affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Regardless of other factors related to the holidays, sufferers of true Seasonal Affective Disorder may experience chronic fatigue, difficulty in sleeping, irritability, and feelings of sadness.
Here are my recommendations for dealing with the holiday season:
Manage your time effectively during the holidays. Set reasonable goals about what can be accomplished during this period of time. Shop during off-peak times.
Set realistic goals for yourself for the new year. Make realistic expectations for the holiday season about who you are going to visit and when. And remember you do have the right to change your plans. Unexpected things will happen, rain, flat tire, working late. Allow space for these. Pace yourself. Do not take on more responsibilities than you can handle. Make a list and prioritize the important activities.
If loved ones are absent during the holidays, if relationships are broken, or there have been other types of tragedies, do not pretend that they do not exist. Denial takes more energy than talking openly about these issues. Whenever possible, put more energy into other relationships that have survived, as you reallocate your energy to other members in your extended network of family and friends. Talk to someone that will listen about the relationship that have been lost, so you can emphasize the positive aspects gained from the loss.
Exercise, even though outdoor activity can be limited due to cold and darkness, exercise can help keep your spirits up, and your weight down. Limit your drinking, since excessive drinking will only increase your feelings of sadness and anxiety. Eat healthy, limit your intake of fat and sugar, you can target your favorite foods and allow yourself to indulge, but with limitations. This will help you prevent the post holiday 10 lb race.
Budget. Buy within limits. Keep track of your holiday spending. Make a plan to pay off your holiday bills.
Make time for yourself! Relax. Meditate. Read.
AND MOST OF ALL ENJOY THE HOLIDAY SEASON YOUR WAY!!
Q. What Is My Sexual Orientation?
The American Psychological Association describes sexual orientation is an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, or affectional attraction toward others. It is different from the other variables of sexuality including our biological sex (we are born male of female), our gender identity (our mental sense of being male or female), and our social gender roles (how much or less we adhere to cultural norms for feminine and masculine behavior).
Sexual orientation exists along a continuum that ranges from one end at exclusive heterosexuality to the other end at exclusive homosexuality and includes the various levels of bisexuality inbetween. Bisexual persons can experience sexual, emotional, and affectional attraction to both their own sex and the opposite sex. Persons with a homosexual orientation are sometimes referred to as gay (both men and women) or as lesbian (women only).
Sexual orientation refers to our feelings and self-concept.and may be different than our sexual behavior.
Q. What Causes a Person To Have a Particular Sexual Orientation?
There is no one answer and there are a multitude of theories about the roots of our personal sexual orientation. Most psychologists today agree that sexual orientation is the result of a a combination of our interactions in the environment, in our cognitive and our genetical factors. It is most likely that sexual orientation is shaped at an early age. There is more and more evidence that suggest that biology, including genetic or inborn hormonal factors, play a significant role in a person’s sexuality.
It’s important to recognize that there are probably many reasons for a person’s sexual orientation, and the reasons are probably different for different people.
Q. Is Sexual Orientation a Choice?
No, I do not believe that as human beings we can choose to be either gay or straight. Although it is true we can choose whether to act on our feelings. Psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed. And believe that for most people, sexual orientation emerges in early adolescence without any prior sexual experience.
Q. Can Therapy Change Sexual Orientation?
No. Therapy cannot change your sexual orientation. There are some homosexual or bisexual people who may seek to change their sexual orientation through therapy, often coerced by family members or religious groups to try and do so. The reality is that homosexuality is not an illness that can be cured. Homosexuality does not require treatment and it cannot be changed.
However, people should seek assistance from a mental health professional not to change their sexual orientation but for mental assistance and support for such things as the coming out process or for strategies to deal with prejudice.
Q. What About So-Called “Conversion Therapies”?
Some organizations take on this so-called conversion therapy and they report that they have been sucessful in changing their clients’ sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual. But when you look closely at these reports there are many facets which suggest that only behavior is being changed. For one, most of these claims come from organizations with an ideological perspective that condemns homosexuality. Not to mention, their claims are poorly documented; in that the treatment outcome is not followed and reported over a long period of time, which is standard in test the validity of any mental health intervention.
PLEASE NOTE: The American Psychological Association is 1. Concerned about such therapies and their potential harm to patients, and 2 . Does not condone Homophobia. In 1997, the Association’s Council of Representatives passed a resolution reaffirming psychology’s opposition to homophobia in treatment and reminds us that a client has the right to unbiased treatment and self-determination. That is : Any person who enters into therapy to deal with issues of sexual orientation has a right to expect that such therapy will take place in a professionally neutral environment, without any social bias.
Q. Is Homosexuality a Mental Illness or Emotional Problem?
No. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and other mental health professionals agree that homosexuality is not an illness, a mental disorder, nor an emotional problem. More than 35 years of objective, well-designed scientific research has shown that homosexuality, in and itself, is not associated with mental disorders or emotional or social problems. Homosexuality was once thought to be a mental illness because mental health professionals and society had biased information.
In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the official manual that lists mental and emotional disorders. In 1975, the American Psychological Association also removed this.
For more than 25 years, both associations have continued to advocate for homosexual and bisexual orientation and urge all mental health professionals to help breakdown the stigma of mental illness that some people and organziations still associate with homosexual orientation.
Q. Can Lesbians, Gay Men, and Bisexuals Be Good Parents?
ABSOLUTELY. Studies have been conducted comparing groups of children raised by homosexual and by heterosexual parents and there was no evidence for developmental differences in their intelligence, psychological adjustment, social adjustment, and popularity with friends. And a parent’s sexual orientation does not indicate their child's will be the same.
Another myth about homosexuality is the mistaken belief that gay men have more of a tendency than heterosexual men to sexually molest children. This is false. Sexual predator does not equate homosexuality.
Q. Why Do Some Gay Men, Lesbians, and Bisexuals Tell People About Their Sexual Orientation?
Talking, sharing and verablizing our identities with others is important to our mental health. The process of identity development for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals is called “coming out” and has been found to be strongly related to psychological adjustment; the stronger the gay, lesbian, or bisexual identity, the better one’s mental health and the higher one’s self-esteem.
Q. Why Is the “Coming Out” Process Difficult for Some Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People?
The “coming out” process is difficult for some and for others it is not. People feel afraid, different, and alone when they first realize that their sexual orientation is different from the societal norms.
Children and adolescents may be particularly vulnerable to the harmful effects of bias and stereotypes. The fear of being rejected by family, friends, co-workers, and religious institutions is real. Another reality is that people in some places have to worry about losing their jobs or being harassed at school if their sexual orientation became well known.
Hate crimes are a reality too. Studies have shown that gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals are at a higher risk for physical assault and violence, and these can range anywhere from name-calling to physical violence.
Q. What Can Be Done to Overcome the Prejudice and Discrimination that Gay Men, Lesbians, and Bisexuals Experience?
Education and Exposure. Research have shown that negative attitudes toward gay people as a group are biases which are not grounded in actual experience and knowledge, but are based on stereotypes and misinformation. In other words, a fear of the unknown.
Educating all people about sexual orientation and homosexuality is likely to diminish anti-gay prejudice. Accurate information about homosexuality is especially important to young people who are first discovering and seeking to understand their sexuality, whether homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. Fears that access to such information will make more people gay have no validity; information about homosexuality does not make someone gay or straight.
Q. Are All Gay and Bisexual Men HIV Infected?
No. But, this is a common myth. In reality, the risk of exposure to HIV is related to a person’s behavior, not their sexual orientation. What’s important to remember about HIV/AIDS is that contracting the disease can be prevented by using safe sex practices and by not using drugs.
A positive attitude is a mental stance that allows the mind's thoughts, words and images to be open towards growth, expansion and success. It is a mental state that expects valuable and welcome results. A positive attitude expects to find happiness, joy, health and success in every outcome of action. Whatever the mind expects, it finds.
Not everyone understands or believes in positive thinking, and often fear or talk down about a positive attitude. Yet, it seems that this subject is becoming attractive, as evidenced by the many books, lectures and courses about it. This is a subject that is gaining popularity.
Positive and negative thinking are also both incredibly contagious. We all affect, and are affected by, in one way or another, the people we come in contact with. This happens naturally through thoughts and feelings transference on a subconscious level, and more obviously through word exchange, facial expressions and body language.
Negative thoughts, words and attitude bring up negative and unhappy moods and actions. When the mind is negative, toxins are released into the blood, which cause more unhappiness and negativity. This is one way ticket to failure, frustration and disappointment.
Staying upbeat can be challenging when things aren’t going well. It is one thing to hear someone say: "Think positive!", to someone who feels down and worried. But for many putting this into action is very difficult.
Changing Your Attitude
Everyone maintains an ongoing inner dialogue with themselves known as “self talk.” These internal remarks can be negative or positive and also do profoundly affect self esteem. Negative thought: “I’m so stupid for failing that test” vs. a Positive thought, “I’ll study harder next time.”
1. Learn how to recognize your style of self talk and whether it is helping or hurting you. If your internal dialogue is negative, think of ways that you can rephrase the negative thought into something positive at the time you notice it. Replace “I’m a loser” with “I’m learning how to improve.” This exercise takes self-awareness, practice, and time.
2. Instead of predicting impending doom (i.e complaining that layoffs are unavoidable and worrying about how you’ll pay the bills if you lose your job, shift your focus to what you can do to better the situation now, (such updating your resume and starting a new job search.) Focusing on problems and not their potential solutions can negatively affect your anxiety level.
3. Another related negative thought process is when you blame others for a problem. By shifting the blame, you are avoiding responsibility, and you are less likely to change. Blaming the traffic for being late and causing you to rush through the exam is easier than admitting you were not prepared for passing it in the first place.
4. Being overly dramatic or turning everything into a disaster or a tragedy is also another negative thought. By turning unfortunate events into a catastrophe of epic proportions you are creating anger, frustration, sadness, fear which all put a lot of stress on your mind and body. Step back and reassess the situation. Is it really a disaster or merely an inconvenience?
So, in a nutshell, be realistic, and most of all be flexible to change.
Changing your belief systems and your thought processes takes time, practice and conscious effort. Counseling and Psychotherapy can help. But, it's up to you. The result is a happy, fulfilling , successful life.
The Kama Sutra as it's known in the Western world, (is actually the Kamasutramra in Sanskrit) is a manuscript about an ancient Indian philosophy written by Vatsyayana. Kama Sutra is a compendium that was collected into its present form in the second century; it often gets confused with being an instructional manual for tantric sex, when it is actually a lot more encompassing.
Contrary to popular belief, here in the Western world, The Kama Sutra is not based solely on sex -- it also includes specific priorities on living one's life in a reputable and prosperous manner, while recognizing the importance of enjoying erotic pleasure experienced by the mind and the senses. It's a holistic approach that emphasizes the acquisition of knowledge, reflects on social norms, and finally iterates the importance of love & sexuality in relationships. Despite the all encompassing nature of the Kama Sutra, and because of the plethora of sexual positions and tips consisted in the Kama Sutra it continues to be known to most people in the Western world as a sexual "how to guide".
In very much the same way as the true Kama Sutra, the Kamasutamra, I, too like to take a holistic, all-inclusive approach to therapy. Too often psychotherapy focuses only on the mind. But, in order to reach the next level one must incorporate mind, body, spirit and sexuality. Change cannot take place in the mind alone, the body, the spirit and the sex must too be addressed.
One example of how I incorporate body, spirit and sex is thru breathing exercises. Utilizing breathing exercises can be helpful for a multitude of issues from relieving feelings of anxiety to relaxing during sex. Assimilating these breathing exercises, among other body gestures can produce long lasting change, as opposed to "talk" therapy alone. We can talk around an issue for years, and ultimately never see change.
Insomnia is a classification of sleep disorders in which a person has trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or waking up too early. It is the most commonly reported sleep disorder. About 30 percent of adults have symptoms of insomnia.
It is not new to us to find an association between insomnia and depression.
But in addition to being a risk factor for a depressive episode, insomnia may actually perpetuate the illness. Even more recent studues suggest that the longer the insomnia (ie. that which lasts for two weeks or longer) can predict major depressive episodes and major depressive disorder at follow up.
But it may be that insomnia is more than just a symptom of depression. It may in fact unleash the mood disorder. Thus, often times treating the insomnia can actually prevent an episode of depression and also maybe keep it from becoming chronic.
Once insomnia starts, people may also begin to experience a great deal of anxiety leading to frustations about falling asleep and staying asleep. This may begin a cycle of sleeplessess as steps are taken to compensate for the sleep loss, such as napping during the day or early evening, going to bed early the next night, staying in bed later the next morning, or utilizing substances such as alcohol as a way to relax themselves into sleep.
Disordered sleep practices also may perpetuate various other symptoms, such as fatigue (which directly affects libido), irritability, memory and concentration problems, loss of interest in social and other activities and the inability to draw pleasure from them, weight loss. Insomnia can weaken a person's ability to cope with stressors (i.e at home, work, or socially.) Insomnia creates a sense of feeling "out of control" which can generate feelings of helplessness. Helpelessness may spread, dredging up negative memories and thoughts, creating the cloud of pessimism that the depressed typically dwell under. And then insomnia, in short, becomes what may be labelled as Major Depression.
So you see, often times depression is actually secondary to the insomnia. And in disrupting the brain, and serving as a stressor itself, sleep loss renders people even more neurobiologically vulnerable to depression and precipitates onset of various ailments we call Depression.
How to be more aware of your sleep and maintain good sleep hygiene by following these tips:
• Establishing a routine sleep schedule.
• Avoiding utilizing bed for activities other than sleep or intimacy.
• Avoiding substances that disturb your sleep, like alcohol or caffeine.
• Not napping during the day. If you must snooze, limit the time to less than one hour and no later than 3 p.m.
• Stick to rituals that help you relax each night before bed. This can include such things as a warm bath, a light snack or a few minutes of reading.
• Don’t take your worries to bed. Bedtime is a time to relax, not to hash out the stresses of the day.
• If you can’t fall asleep, leave your bedroom and engage in a quiet activity. Return to bed only when you are tired.
• Keep your bedroom dark, quiet and a little cool.
Although sleep patterns change as people age, disturbed sleep and waking up tired every day are not part of normal aging. Those who have trouble sleeping are advised to see a sleep specialist or talk to your therapist.
Body Image Obsession and The Effects
Body image being distorted by our media's obsession and the "thin-ideal" is something we are all aware of and is not a new phenomenon. We are familiar with our society's obsession of thinness dating back to the "Twiggy" days of the 1960's.
A recent study conducted by the University of Connecticut discovered female undergraduates who viewed media images and advertisements which displayed women as being ultra-thin exhibited significant increases in body dissatisfaction, negative mood, levels of depression and lowered self-esteem.
An obsession with body image is often times a result, and at the core of many of our society's ailments. Teenage girl's use of diet pills has doubled in the last decade. Other unhealthy behaviors teenagers begin using in our society include unhealthy weight control behaviors include the use of diet pills, laxatives, vomiting or skipping meals. This is alarming and is reason for us to take a closer look at body image in our society, because they not only lead to physical ailments in the long run, but also contribute to an overall dissatisfaction in life.
Often times phobias and obsessions with specific imperfect parts of ones self may develop. Often labeled Body Dismorphic Disorder, these sufferers are convinced that this particular part of their body is abnormal, which is generally not the case, albeit subjective to our society. These people have difficulty staying in reality.
People suffering from this largely societal ailment will focus obsessively on the physical attribute they consider flawed, constantly viewing it in the mirror, as though their vision is blurred seeing deformity where there is none, often asking the opinions of others, going to severe lengths to “fix” the problem by wearing too much make-up, going to a tanning salon or getting plastic surgery (all of which are also condoned by our society, despite having been known to cause physical and health problems.)
Why some people are more effected by issues of body image than others varies. It obviously has to do with family environment, friend's opinions and ideas, and of course media has a huge role, as it often dictates what is and what is not acceptable.
Other effects of distorted or low self image can affect all aspects of our lives, work, family relationships, friendships, and love relationships and sexuality. Low self image is at the root of a lot of social ailments, such as addictions to clinical depression. Body dissatisfaction, negative mood, levels of depression and lowered self-esteem will lead to difficulties in your relationships, in the bedroom, in your communication, and may cloud your judgement all around and overall.
Understanding how body image issues affect you can help you understand the variable which effect your life and put you on the path to understanding yourself and creating a happier more fulfilling life. Psychotherapy is a great tool to help you uncover and sort through such factors to get to a happier more satisfactory you.
- Are you in a relationship that used to be good, could be so good, but does not seem to be getting any better?
- Do you and your partner fight and make up regularly?
- Does your partner humiliate you, put you down, ridicule you,
criticize you, make you feel guilty? Or do you do does things to your
partner ? Do you do them to each other?
- Is your partner never home or "absent" event when he or she is at home? Or are you?
- Are you uneasy, anxious, fearful or relieved when your partner is not around?
- Does your partner hit you or threaten to physically hurt you? Do you hit or threaten to physically hurt him or her?
- Has your sex life diminished?
- Is the use of drugs or alcohol in your relationship creating problems?
- Are you afraid of living alone, being alone, spending too much time alone?
If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, you may
be suffering from a lack of self-love. You may be harboring beliefs
about yourself such as "I am not worthy," "I am damaged goods,
unlovable, or BAD." These negative self beliefs often underlie the
reason people stay in unhealthy, unsatisfying, and painful
relationships and allow for the continuation of abuse, shame, guilt,
and neglect. Fear of being alone and unlovable lead to the belief
that love and nurturing in intimacy are not possible.
WHAT IS SELF-LOVE and HOW DO IT GET IT?
1. Make a commitment to YOURSELF. To work on YOURSELF. This is
first and foremost. You must make the decision to put yourself and your
needs first.
2. Learn what your own needs are. Recognize that these
needs can be met, and that you can still have love and nurturing in
your life while getting these needs met.
3. Take responsibility for
YOU, YOUR life, and YOUR needs. Stop worrying about the other people's
needs. They are responsible for themselves, and their own happiness.
Not you.
4. Set limits and boundaries. What is acceptable to
YOU? What is not acceptable? Decide it and stick with it. Be ok with
it. Be ok with letting people know it.
5. Surround yourself with
nurturing, and reciprocative people, who understand you, let you be
you, don't make you feel guilty, ashamed, scared, worried about doing
what you need to do.
Bisexuals have the most fun.
Bisexuals are afraid to come out of the closet all the way, and want the best of both worlds.
Bisexuals are not to be trusted.
Bisexuals are promiscuous.
Bisexuals have it easy.
Let's face it, bisexuality has a stigma attached to it. In the hetero sexual world being bisexual might as well say, "I'm gay," and in the gay world, being bi might as well mean "I'm straight." Oh many a bi sexual individual's probably wish these myths were true, and it could be true that a bisexual individual has the most fun, is promiscuous, non-trustworthy, lives the wayward life, but that doesn't mean they don't have a conscience, don't fall in love just like everyone else, don't care, don't have feelings, don't have emotions, etc.. And isn't true that everyone, gay or straight is capable of being promiscuous, non-trustworthy, wayward? The bottom line is that bisexual individuals are humans, first and foremost, like everyone else, and second, unwittingly attracted to both, which means the caring is often two-fold, excessive, doubled, they can see both sides of every coin, they can see the forest for the trees, they can often see the bigger picture, the life and the inner person behind the mask of that womanizer, or beyond the charades of the corporate climber that everyone hates. Yes, the bisexual's curse may just be that they can look beyond certain things, like for example gender, and get to the soul of the individual.
But, bisexuals lack a community.
So often, bisexuality is not accepted by the straight community (naturally, because there an abundance of traditions, religious beliefs, and entrenched social values that do not condone sexuality outside of wedlock and procreation), and bisexuals are often not accepted by the gay community either. Ironically, it's often the gay community that hates on a bi-sexual the most, considering them to be traitors, or "scaredycats" who are unable to embrace the gay lifestyle 100%. And the gay community ironically, or maybe not ironically, most at some point have been with the opposite sex. Not saying they liked it, nor that it was a choice they would've been made had society not already decided for them, the world, and the universe whom we are supposed to like, love, and marry, (read: the opposite sex.) For the gay community, being "Gay or Lesbian" is an identity, and an important one, one that often forges, denies and forgets its intimate relations with the opposite sex. For the bi identifying individual there is no room in the gay community, for the bi is not willing to give up this side of their sexuality, which may on the one hand be seen as an honest expression of self, but obviously not everyone agrees.
The gay community exists so often in backlash to the hetero-sexual community, whereas the bisexual lives within the heterosexual community. This may anger those who identify as gay or lesbian, because perhaps it does not politically allow for the growth of the gay community, or maybe it laughs at the strides made towards equal rights for gays and lesbians, or cowers to the heterosexual community. But if the gay community wants to be accepted by the hetero community, and the hetero community is expected to accept everyone then there should be room for bisexuality which acknowledges love for everyone. Maybe this is too idealistic in a world fraught with sexual tension, or scary in a world fraught with disease, but it exists, and should be acknowledged as such, instead of being seen in such a manipulative, and feared light.
You want to teach your child everything you know. You want to save them and protect them from harm. You monitor what they watch on TV. But do you talk about it? Do you allow your child to watch sex and violence on television? Do you turn the TV off and shelter them from the world?
Developing positive images of sex and sexuality for you and your family is important in also strengthening the positive relationship you already have with your child. When your child becomes a teenager, and in many cases well before they become teenagers, they will learn everything that you did not teach them about sex from their friends, from the TV, from dirty magazines. They will develop sexually whether you talk to them or not. By ignoring the issue your child's sexuality will not go away. Instead it will develop secretly.
When parents don't talk about sex and kids have to learn about sex from other kids, their peers, their friends, one of the biggest messages they are given is that sex is BAD, NOT to be mentioned in front of mom and dad, a secret. Sex then becomes a mystery; something that happens in the dark. The teen years is when kid's begin to explore sexually, and we all know the risks of this: unwanted pregnancies, and sexually transmitted disease, not to mention it opens children up to various other things such as rape, assault, failure in school, and more. Many people advocate for abstinence and believe that talking about sex condones it. Well, you are right, it could and possibly does, but not talking about it is riskier. Your child may end up then having sex 1) in secret, 2) without the knowledge of how to protect themselves and 3) confused, depressed, alone and possibly (at worst) a danger to themselves or someone else.
Talking to your child openly can prevent this. Letting them know that maybe you think it is too early, and maybe you think they are too young, but that you are also aware that kids experiment, leaves the door open for your child to come to you, and talk to you if he/she needs to. Educating them on how sexually transmitted diseases are exchanged, and how babies are made may seem basic enough, and maybe you think that your child should already know, but believe me, when they hear it from you, their parent, it reinforces the knowledge in them, making the message even stronger. And though your child will make their own decisions ultimately, your words make a difference.
Your child may know things about sex that you don't know, or that are untrue. You can learn from your child, the way they will learn from you. You may not know what is going on today in our public schools. I recently heard of a school in Los Angeles that was running a prostitution ring. Your child needs useful information to help him/her make appropriate, educated decisions. DO you want that information coming from another child, a teenager, or worse a perpatrator? Take my word, talk to your kids about sex. You will be glad you did.
Sexual abuse is more common than people think, or like to admit. Sexual abuse statistics are useless because people under-report, deny, or forget. Past and previous sexual abuse that has been long forgotten, or thought to be dealt with can affect you in the present in more ways than you know.
Sexual abuse is a trauma. It is often the loss of innocence, trust, self-control, self-esteem, faith, etc. Trauma's are best dealt with by reliving the traumatic event over and over until the victim accepts and acknowledges the reality and is able to naturally, and consciously move on. What does this mean? The best way to get over sexual abuse or any trauma for that matter is to talk about it, talk about it often, talk about it a lot, talk about the details (or write about). You will always miss pieces of the traumatic event. Trauma has a magical way of deleting our memories. Talk about it more. It may take months, or years to relive every single detail, but to successfully move beyond the pain, repression, depression and anxiety that traumatic events cause requires you to do this. Once all the details have been let go, placed outside of the body via talking or writing, then will you be able to make heads or tails of all the feelings attached.
Sexual abuse may also be an awakening. A child who has been sexually abused may feel a lot of guilt, because children are not devoid of sexual feelings, and although they are being victimized there is often the side of the child that likes the attention, the intimacy and the sexual feelings of arousal that often accompany being sexually molested or abused. Feeling guilty about something that you have no control over is a very confusing thing. The child (or teenager, or adult) may feel somehow responsible that they have led the perpetrator on. They often take the blame for what has happened to them.
What next?
The repressed trauma and feelings of guilt can cause the child, as an adult, to develop some very succinct yet treatable coping mechanisms. Here are the top 3:
1. Weight Gain. It is very common for women who were sexually abused as children to put on a lot of weight at some point in their life, as a physical barrier to the opposite sex. They unconsciously believe that weight protects them by making them bigger and sexually undesirable. Which often becomes a vicious cycle in the battle of depression as they often have extreme difficulty taking the weight off, because of the meaning the individual has attached to weight loss.
2. Control. There is a need for extreme control. Even more common sexually abused children often grow up with a need to control and manipulate everything in their environment. This is due to the lack of control they felt during the abuse, and in adulthood it translates in the appearance of a rigid, inflexible, and often manipulative individual. When not in control, these individuals feel extreme anxiety. They will go to extreme lengths to fight the anxiety, often alienating those close to them.
3. Hyper or Hypo Sexual. These individuals will often swing from one extreme to the next, in terms of being sexual. Until the trauma is appropriately expressed and dealt with, this individual may have a difficult time finding a happy balance.
It is important not to diagnose someone as sexually abused unless they specifically admit to it. As I mentioned before trauma often has the magical ability to erase memories. The sexually abused individual needs to come to the acknowledgment in their own time and on their own terms. Second, they must accept that mere acknowledgment, which is a big step in and of itself, is only the beginning of the process. Being willing to relive the trauma over and over until it is healed is the hardest part, and many never get there. Patience and understanding is all we can offer, and acceptance that each individual has his/her own process.
This is a two-sided argument, but I definitely have my position. I tend to agree with women sex workers (women working in the sex industry) who view their work as a very empowering experience. Yet, men have this idea that dating a woman who is a stripper, prostitute, escort, porn star or other is considered taboo. That the only type of man that would do this must be a loser, one who could not get a girl otherwise. The belief is that the girls are "damaged goods." Men are often heard saying that if they were to get involved with one of these women, the first thing they would do is to tell her to stop, and find another job. Ironic, being that that is how he met her in the first place, was what attracted him to her in the first place, yet doesn't want her doing it anymore? Why not? It is semi- understandable he does not want the same thing happening to another guy, getting the chance to meet his girl the same way he did, and granted being a sex worker means you are selling your body or sex, and I understand that sex is something that is supposed to be personal, private and special to your relationship. But, there are boundaries. I think it's wonderful that women choose to do this, and empower themselves. I think it's sexy and I see the artistic point of value, but men don't think of it this way, and when I speak to certain socialized women, their view is skewed, some women say "Men don't marry prostitutes," yet, other women believe it to be extremely empowering. A man told me today that the sex workers' unspoken truth is that many were molested. Maybe this is true, but is it also not true that there are sex workers that aren't molested, and molested individuals who are not sex workers. It's this stereotyping that bothers me. Although I understand it. Do sex workers make men feel inferior? What exactly is it? Or is it just the thought of women sharing their personal sevles with so many others? Are men just extremely territorial?