I hope when you read this you will agree all of it is moot because it goes without saying. Ideally I think writing on the topic of vanity is unnecessary but through some discussions I have had, I have come to realize some of you feel a fabulous appearance is going to get you the man or woman of your dreams. That troubles me and although I expect few of you need to take this advice I want to make sure that even the few are helped with advice that can promote forming and maintaining quality relationships.
I see no harm in exercising because it is a healthy activity although it may not be what it takes to find yourself someone. Therefore you may not be emotionally any happier but will in the least physically feel better.
However some have gone to extremes by undergoing surgical procedures costing them time, pain, and money. This is primarily what I wish to discourage.
I will not argue that looking good is not only important but necessary. You need to look your finest if you are to be noticed. This means simply exercising basic hygiene habits and wearing freshly laundered and ironed clothing free of stains, tears, or fading. Shoes should be free of scuff marks. I do not recommend wearing perfumes. Your love interest may be allergic or just find it unappealing. It is better that they smell nothing or very little of anything so if you do wear it, make sure you apply it sparingly.
Looking good sparks interest in you but then its up to who you are on the inside to compliment what is on the outside because that is what maintains the interest. Remember looking good only sparks and ignites, your personality is what will keep their fire burning for you.
Over time your looks will let you down again but what time cannot take from you is how you can make someone feel. If you have within you what it takes to make them happy now, you will have that to offer well into the future so that is what you need to focus on.
Some of you are starting out and you just want to play the field and try a little of this and that. There may come a time that you may decide you want to settle down and start your first relationship. You may already be seeing someone and it would seem that you can easily transition from what the two of you have into a relationship. However they may be comfortable with the current arrangement and not ready or interested in something more.
I know wanting to fall in love may be new to you but consider some of your other life experiences. Did doing what was easier always result in the best possible result? Don't you think that it is possible that being in a committed relationship is no different? Well I am telling you now it isn’t. In fact finding a satisfying love relationship is among the most challenging endeavor anyone at any age can undertake.
I know you will need to find out how challenging finding love can be for yourself. My telling you it is this way is not going to convince you and that is why I ask you to compare your efforts to find love to efforts you have made in the past.
Certainly you can consider who you are currently seeing but do not feel obligated to go the rest of the way with this person because you are half way there. Just like you looked and found who you are with now, you need to start looking again albeit with a new objective in mind.
Also realize that just because you want it and you find who you want to give your love to does not mean that you can have it based on that alone. They have to want to accept your love and give it in return. So your success depends on not only you, but who you choose to accomplish your goal with. Again, look back on your life. Has there not been a time when you wanted to do something but you did not want to do it alone? Do you remember a time when you just could not go through with your plan because you could not find someone to agree to do it with you? Relationships are no different.
Also know that when you first fall in love the feelings will be intense. Think back to when you were a little boy or girl. Remember not being able to get enough of a new toy? That is how passionate you will feel for this person. If ever that toy was taken from you before you grew tired of it you might remember crying about it and wanting it back badly. A break-up is like that but the longing for who you lost can be ten times more intense.
So take your time and trust not what people tell you alone but see how they behave around you. Do they seem as excited about you as you are about them? If not don't you think that maybe they aren't as excited about you as you are about them? If they do not share your enthusiasm for what the two of you have, you need to back away before your feelings continue to grow and you have more to loose if it has to end. Believe me, the feelings can grow. Think back to when you first met someone. Didn’t you gradually grow to like them? This is no different; you are gradually growing to like them to a point where it will hurt to have to let him or her go. It may very well be that they cannot express their feelings as you do but you are not at an age where I expect you to be able to psychoanalyze anyone. Just keep it simple and continue looking.
You have a lot of time to find the right guy or girl. You know how you know this is true? Look around at people in their thirties and forties - they are still looking. I know you may not want to be that age and looking but the point is that it takes a very long time to find the right person and people are willing and have had the a long time to look for that special someone. You have just as much time as they do. So why should you have to rush when everyone is taking their time? Give me a call and let me know how it goes!
Realize people are so different and can have a number of innocent reasons to apparently be getting a feel for where your mind is at. Assume their intentions are good but don't assume you know precisely the reason why. To know the precise reason why not ask them? Yep its that easy. However if you choose not to, or dont get a straight answer I again suggest you assume their intentions are good and leave it at that.
If in time a different reason from what you had expected and especially had hoped for is revealed you risk disappointment. There is one theory why you may be asked questions such as "would you be interested in dating" and "are you (would you be) interested in our getting married." I'll leave it to you to decide if the intent is innocent, deliberately done for personal gain at your expense, or to mislead you to believe something false.
A theory is that some people are egomaniacs. Its not about you. They are not trying to hurt you by deception. They only wish to stroke their own ego and only wish to hear your opinion to confirm that you want them. They may have no intent on following through on the suggestion.
If you have this person in a position where they have something to gain by being involved with you they may at times ask these hypothetical questions at a time they feel you may be growing cold with your feelings towards them. This in their mind can be an effective tool in reeling you back in. Again they may not be trying to hurt you. Again its about them, about their needs being met, and doing whatever necessary to keep that assistance coming.
I do not write this way to be a killjoy to anyone. I want everyone to pursue fulfilling and lasting relationships. However I want them to do so with their eyes wide open. Because when you follow down a path blindfolded, it is easy to step in shit. Do not expect what I am theorizing to happen nor expect things to happen as you want them to. Hope for the best and be prepared for anything less is all I ask. Doing so will allow you to more easily rebound come what may.
I find this topic a bit disturbing. If you are the geezer or the spring chicken I think I need to speak to you before I come in here and start pontificating on the subject. I don't suggest concerned family members call regarding the couple. I am not interested in helping you find a way to stop them because that is not what I would do were they to call me themselves. What I would do is help them understand why they should stop and decide for themselves to do so.
In some cases after hearing about the relationship I will conclude that there is no harm in continuing or perhaps that it would be wise to continue. I don't expect I would do that often but I really need to hear this from the horse's mouth so I can determine what is really going on in the relationship based on what I am told has been said and done by the parties involved. You have an agenda, understandably so but I don't want that influencing how you would characterize the relationship because I then cannot see it through the eyes of the parties involved. I will need to in order to properly advise them.
If you disagree with what they are doing, chances are so will I but they made the decision to start this and they need to make the decision to end it. Even when the decision to end it is considered it must be done IF and only if that decision is in their best interest to do. Third parties exerting pressure often emboldens these pairs to continue come hell or high water.
I want all of you to feel you can talk about anything without being judged but I would hope you would allow me an opportunity to discourage you from what you want if I believed you would be better off. You of course can make your own decision regardless of what I have to say and I will continue to speak to you if you go down a road I think leads to heart break.
My objective should you continue would then be twofold. First objective would be an effort to prepare you for what I believe to be inevitable rather than tell you to avoid it by abstaining from the situation. Abstaining for you may not be an option and so I'd like to help you make the best of the situation and help you be able to back out of it gracefully with your feelings intact in the event it must end.
I understand some of the typical motivations for engaging in these types of relationships. Often times an aging person wants to feel young again while a youngster wants a father/mother figure to serve as a mentor. These are motivations almost harmless but are not motivations that I feel foster lasting relationships because they are not based on any of the characteristics that make a relationship last. They are based on what each individual is rather than who each individual is.
At times there are more emotionally abusive motivations. An older person may be looking to prey on the naiveté of an inexperienced young person in an effort to control them. A young person may be motivated by the older person's ability to finance all the material things they want from life. Physical attraction or love does not factor into these motivations.
Are you in a relationship like this? Do you think he or she is using you for your money? Do you think he or she is playing mind games to control you? If so I need to hear from you. If you have any doubts lets talk so you can arrive at an informed conclusion as to if the relationship is right for you or not. If it is, and you allow doubts to cloud your mind the relationship is even more prone to end when it could otherwise continue.
I am not sure how some of you woman do it. Unlike most men it seems, you put love way ahead of sex. You keep an open mind when presented with options to find love. I wish men and more women were more like you. Alas, everyone else is hardwired at birth to feel attractions for either the opposite or the same sex gender. There is no sampling this and that provided for in our DNA.
Some men and woman are blessed born bisexual. I really see it that way when considering the love aspect. Not being bisexual however, the sex aspect seems troublesome if the bisexual finds both forms of sex very satisfying. How can any one of us ever fully satisfy their sexual needs? How can we feel confident that they will not have an affair with someone whose gender is opposite ours?
While some woman can become bisexual to satisfy their need to be loved men can become bisexual for purposes of sexual gratification. Gay sex may not be what they fantasize about when aroused nor may it be as fulfilling as hetero sex but the bottom line is that they can be sexually relieved this way. This is their sole motivation as no matter how bad their record of relationships are with woman, they will continue to try rather than look to the same sex to find love.
In seeing benefits to bisexuality is not to say that remaining hetero or homosexual is a disadvantage. Changing our sexual identity is not something we can talk ourselves into because we see some benefit to doing so. Rationalizations will not overcome our nature.
A woman wanting to leave her husband for another woman is usually because another woman is giving her the kind of attention she wants from her husband. It is that rather than a desire to have gay sex. A man wanting to leave his wife for another man is more complicated. For a man to leave any woman to be with a man he likely has been suppressing homosexual impulses long before the marriage. The impulses being incompatible with the marriage eventually becomes unbearable and to fulfill the desire to be true to who they believe themselves to be they end the marriage.
If your wife starts having an affair with another woman rather than assume shes just a dyke, you really should take a look at yourself and what you have or have not contributed to the relationship. Cher sings a song about there not being enough love and understanding. Try showing your wife love and understanding and you may see her coming back home to you. Trust me, deep down inside it is what she would really want. She probably didnt want to leave in the first place.
Now when your husband starts having an affair with another man, chances are great that he is gay. Do not look to yourself for reasons for his behavior. Gay men are usually pretty sensitive. Do not doubt he has and still loves you. However like I said earlier, men gay or not place a very high value on sex. So much so that in time they will engage in their preferred sexual behavior be there love or not in your marriage.
Your husband made a commitment to you and I believe has made an effort to remain committed. If he has not you, me, and him should talk because that effort must be made. When children are involved more than effort must be made. The marriage must continue while the kids are growing up. There is no sacrifice too great we can make for our children.
Actually this is nothing new. I have been claiming to provide relationship advice based on past experiences and it is true that I do. However I have always been intuitive about what makes relationships succeed or fail. I have never trusted my intuition and have prefered to base my advice on my past experiences. It was not until this past weekend where a reputable source made me aware of my psychic ability.
This is not to say that I can now hold myself out to be a psychic. My point in telling you is to let you know, that my psychic ability has played a role in the advice I have given you despite my not having wanted to acknowledge it. I have suppressed these abilities but now recognize how I can be using them to help you.
Although I cannot tell you what will happen with your love life, I can now admit that the limited psychic abilities I may have will be used together with my experiences to help you see not only what may be hidden in your heart, but in the heart of who you love. In fact, I plan on studying ways to hone whatever abilities I have to better provide sound advice that will help you make informed and wise decisions in your love life.
This is the second consecutive and for a while should be the last blog discussing the administering of the service I have been providing. I expect we can get back to the substantive discussion of relationships in the next blog. Are there any topics that has not been touched on that you feel we need to explore? If so please let it be known.
Lets take a break from the usual substantive discussions about relationships in exchange for discussions more administrative in nature. As you may know, this blog is associated with my relationships advice listing on Ingenio/Keen. As of today, I have been offering advice on the subject for thirty days. A small milestone but one that I wish to acknowledge as I have decided to temporarily reduce the rate to speak to me through the holidays.
On various weekends I have offered some free minutes and reduced rate promotions. Effective Monday, November 9th and through the holidays I will continuously run these promotions. On November 9th, the rate will be reduced from the current rate of $1.65 to only 99c. This will be a savings of 40% off the standard rate and will be helpful to all of you feeling the economic pinch at a time when you still need to splurge on holiday gifts all the while feeling the holiday blues. I want to help try to get you through these often difficult times when you can benefit from help the most without further burdening your finances.
For those of you who I will be speaking with for the first time I understand it will take some time to fully understand your situation and so I would like to offer you three free minutes to give us the head start existing customers have. As for my existing regular customers I will have something for you as well as my holiday gift to you.
I will rely on my judgment alone in determining who are regular customers. Do not assume you are or are not a regular customer nor should you assume that because you are a new customer that it is too late to establish a regular customer relationship before the holidays. Regardless, check your e-mails between Christmas and New Years to see what gift your loyalty has earned you!
The advice I offer is currently advertised on America Online and I am looking for other venues to advertise if you have any ideas send me the link. However what I would most appreciate is you telling your family, friends, and colleagues. If you are happy with the advice I have given you please let them know. My advertisements are not as valuable as your endorsement of the service. I am sure you are highly respected and influential in your interpersonal relationships so your seal of approval will go a much longer way.
The more people I can help the more I feel I am fulfilling my destiny and so I appreciate your helping me help others as I have attempted to help you. My apologies to those who were so kind as to check back until this blog was finally posted. I was working on the blog offline and had not yet posted anything more than the subject line. I wish you all a great weekend and hope to hear from you again soon.
It is a miracle to make it through a relationship's first year. The honeymoon is short lived and the relationship is soon on the ropes. During this first year do not think you know who you are with. You both remain a stranger much longer than you would think. This first year can be rocky as you both try to survive a slew of misunderstandings and exhaust yourselves reaching compromises that allow the relationship to continue.
The year goes by and you find yourselves in the eye of the storm. You both have grown used to each other and have accepted one another's shortcomings. The drama is gone and life between you has become routine. Obviously just getting along is not enough. Over time you or the other will loose interest and move on to someone else. So once we make it past that one year milestone of learning about one another we need to now learn how to enjoy one another.
By enjoying one another and time spent together we can renew that brief honeymoon experience had when you two first met and keep it going until death do you part. The main thing is that the two of you cannot stop dating. If you believe you can stop running after you catch the bus you are wrong. You need to keep the relationship fresh.
Be positive! Avoid the been there done that attitude. If you enjoyed those times together you can enjoy them again. Cuddling up in front of the TV watching a DVD is nice but that gets stale after a while.
Plan activities that your spouse enjoys. Make the plan your own to make doing what they like to do a bit more fun. Let it be known that you would like them to plan something for the two of you centered on one of your interests. Then the both of you can try planning something you both enjoy together.
I suggest this because when you accept one another's differences and decide to just avoid them you have less to do together. If you love one another you should take an interest in what each of you like. This will avoid time away from one another doing what you like with other people.
You dont have to make your spouses interest your own. If he or she likes country music I am not asking you to listen to it in the car when alone and on your way to work. However I am suggesting that you plan on taking the other to their favorite country music artist's concert.
There are so many ways to keep the relationship fresh you and I can talk about when you call. Until then I want you to get started by diversifying your day to day shared activities through compromise that will allow you both to share one another's interests.
Also consider participating in entirely new activities. You may love going to Vegas and do it year in and year out. Why not try a visit to the Big Apple this time? If travel is not in your budget but an evening out to your favorite Italian restaurant is why not try something new? How about Mediterranean or some cuisine exotic to the two of you this time? You may find you both can enjoy something new and different together.
Some of us are like the cats who sit on the windowsill watching life go by while others of us are more like the dogs chasing after what they want and when we catch up to it, we have no problem letting it be known what it is we want.
Has being feline like really given you what you want out of life? They say the wheel that squeaks is the one that gets oiled and that is true. Again take cats and dogs for example. Cats run and hide while dogs bark until they get what they want.
Some of us can just show up, be a wallflower, and still be a love magnet. Others have to work at being noticed. Certainly looking your best is a start but realize someone you are interested in may be just as shy or afraid of rejection as you are. Perhaps they have not even noticed you’re alive.
Still if you made your presence known, they may then start to notice you and size you up. At that point you can facilitate being picked up without being blatantly obvious about your interest and risk a humiliating experience.
So where I want to go with this is to say that you need to take more initiative. I think a compromise can be reached between being the hunter and being hunted. First off you need to put yourself out there. We have talked about online personals in the past and it is easier to break the ice that way but you need to diversify your methods of meeting eligible bachelors or bachelorettes.
Few would argue that nightclubs are among the worst places to look when putting yourself out there but many people look there so you need to go where people are looking. There are more wholesome environments such as churches or schools. Check out your local community center for social groups you can join of singles with shared interests. Coffee shops within bookstores and fitness gyms may also create openings to strike up what appears to be casual conversation.
Now once you are there you need to be looking your very best. Drop any negative attitude about not meeting anyone that will stamp a sourpuss look on your face that people will misinterpret as your being aloof or mean. You need to look confident. Many people lack that confidence and are drawn to people who have it.
Going out, looking good and behaving attractively will make your job easier but it won’t do the job for you. You must talk to people. If you are in a bar setting have a drink whether you drink or not. Don’t consume anything too heavy but something that will loosen you up and put you more at ease. Now if you know yourself to react badly to alcohol then take a pass on that last suggestion.
As I alluded to earlier, you need to make yourself noticed. That does not mean become a stalker and just follow this person around. Notice what they are doing. Find a friendly way to comment on it or ask them about it. If they appear to be responding but not really engaging you in return, move on - they are likely not interested. If they are you have at least made yourself approachable so that next time they are more inclined to speak to you.
If conversation continues find a subtle way to suggest you are interested in them. If they are interested as well they will likely pick up on it and it will be their opening to do the rest of the dirty work. If conversation flows nicely and you’re not offered a phone number and don’t want to offer yours, at least let it be known that you will be back on any given night/day and hope to see them again. If they are interested they will try to return that evening. Just make sure you go back!
If it seems they are not interested but aware that you hit on them they will not encourage you in which case back off before you begin feeling foolish. I know this is extremely difficult but you are better off having to be the dog who walks away with his tail between his legs and try again another time than be the cat that just eats, sleeps, and watches life go by. You deserve better. Now go out after what you deserve! A happy healthy relationship.
We have been spending a considerable amount of time discussing how to keep a relationship going and how to turn the tide when the relationship heads south. Sometimes no matter how badly we want to make it work we cannot. Walking away from a relationship is terribly difficult but even once you have, staying away isn't that much easier.
So lets focus on that now. How we manage when the relationship has to end. First give yourself time to heal. If you rebound right back into another relationship before you are ready that relationship is also destined to fail.
You are using this new person to fill the void in your heart left by your break-up. You're not ready to feel anything for anyone other than who you ended a relationship with. Is it fair to make your new boy/girlfriend live in the shadow of who came before them? If the situation were reversed you would not be all to happy if you were #2 and #1 was someone that caused so much grief for the person you are now interested in. How can they prefer someone like that over you? Its insulting!
So now what? I am not making this any easier am I? Thats because it doesn't get any easier. Time is what heals all wounds. You have heard that before a million times and so I know it is of little consolation to you. So lets give some thought to what you can do while time passes by.
Relationships particularly the rocky ones are a distraction to our personal lives. This is a time you are thinking about the relationship and not yourself. Well you don't have to think about that relationship anymore. I mean I know you will, but there no longer is any ongoing turmoil. At this point you are only reflecting on the past and how it makes you feel. If you need to cry do it. Then pick yourself up and get on with your life. Neglect all the things you had in mind to do until you were sidetracked by the relationship. Think! there must be something.
Complete or begin your higher education. Grades take one hell of a beating when you are emotionally hurt or vulnerable. Take this time to focus on something positive. The more you stimulate your mind through learning the more apt you are to better address conflict in future relationships. A caveat though, this may not be the first goal you set. If you are still too emotionally upset you will be unable to focus on your studies. Until then consider purchasing a gym membership if you do not already have one or resume your exercise routine if you have neglected it.
Exercise can be very cathartic and it will boost your self-esteem at a time you most need it. Also, if your going to be single when you would rather not be, then exercise can not only make you feel better, it will also make you look better. Looking your best is the bait necessary to attract someone new into your life.
You may also want to try a little over-time at work to pick up some extra money to buy yourselves some new outfits. A new wardrobe will also make you feel better and feel like stepping out into social settings which will also keep you happily distracted. You can also focus on that promotion you had your eye on at one time. Work is also affected when there is marital strife so this would be a good time for advancement.
You may also want to reinvest the time you spent on hobbies that you lost interest in when you know who came along. Most of all surround yourself with your friends. They too may have been neglected while you worked on making your relationship work. So now is your time with them. Enjoy once again what it was that brought you and them together! Don't forget I am also here for you if you need to vent or would like some advice. If you have any other suggestions to make having to be single again just a little easier please let us know.
You know you love someone because of the feelings you have for that person and you have a way of expressing those feelings. Those expressions of love is what defines love for you.
The person you love claims to love you as well but never expresses their love for you as you do for them. This could be a signal to you that they don't really love you or if even they do, they don't love you nearly as much as you love them.
Before you become disallusioned with your relationship I want you to consider some explanations for their behavior or lack thereof. Let me start with a specific example that I personally experienced as I believe it will articulate how you might feel when the love you give does not need to be reciprocated.
Assuming you have a nurturing personality. Whoever you love will have their every need met. You will cook for them, take care of them when sick, do their laundry, balance their checkbook, hold them when they are feeling down, and help them fight their battles whether they ask you to or not. Making them happy is what allows you to express the love you have for them.
Now suppose the two of you are going to watch a DVD tonight and you make a stop at a redbox or some other video rental store. Next you make a stop at the grocery store to pick up some soda, popcorn, and other light snacks to enjoy together during the movie. You arrive at home, exit your vehicle and each grab a grocery bag and head to your upstairs apartment.
As the two of you are about to unpack you realize you left the DVD in the car. You ask that the DVD be retrieved while you continue unpacking. Moments later you hear a downpouring of rain. Without even thinking, you abandon the groceries and race downstairs with an umbrella so he or she does not get trapped in the car or wet trying to run back inside.
After thats over and you have time to put yourself first and think of your own needs you ask yourself what would have happened had you been the one to go down to the car to get the DVD. You doubt he or she would even think to help but conclude that even if they did, they would probably only meet you at the door with a towel to dry yourself off.
Often times in life the nuturing type is in search of someone to take care of and they often find someone who needs looking after then wonder why that person won't do the same for them. It is not because they don't have any love to give. They are just not wired as you are. Its just not in their DNA.
They may love with you with all their heart but express it by words. By telling you how beautiful you are. They may do it by showing affection. They may kiss you hello when they see you and ask about your day. All this too is love. Yet is not loving the way you love but ask yourself can you only be loved the way you love someone else? Think about it. We all do things differently. Some of us sleep on our backs some on our stomach but we all still rest and we all love as well but differently.
So the next time you feel unloved, think about what they do to show they love you rather than being focused on what they don't do. This will mitigate any insecurity and allow you to feel the love as given. Otherwise you may wind up pressuring them into being something they are not or something more than they are. It is unatural for them and will be insincere.
I realize I often hone in on what you need to do to make your relationship better rather than what they should be doing. I do this because I have only you to tell. They are not here to read this. Moreover, we can't really control their behavior. We can only educate ourselves as we do here to better understand and deal with them in ways that promote our happiness and the health of your relationship.
A few Christmas eves ago I went to a Christmas party complete with food, music, tree, and a mid-night gift exchange. I had accompanied a self-proclaimed metrosexual. Hair complete with product and styled to emmulate the latest look. Brand name clothes were freshly pressed and shoes were shined without a scuff mark in sight.
As a gift I got a complete outfit. Italian shoes, designer jeans, and a fancy button down shirt. I was grateful to get anything but they were not things I would necessarily go out and get for myself. I noticed clothes were given to others at the party including a young boy who just tossed it aside so he could play with what toys he got. This was insulting to my friend.
There are people out their who will buy things that they would want for themselves. I am not saying my friend was doing that. It is hard to take back clothes you buy for someone else and use it unless its a tie or a pair of socks.
Now forget my friend for a moment. I love music. For me it is easy to buy someone concert tickets or a CD. In fact I bought the friend I just mentioned a CD. However it was obvious the friend was a slave to fashion. So although in my mind the gift of music is the greatest gift I can get and makes me very happy, it does not mean that it would mean the same to everyone.
So my point is treating others the way you want to be treated is not always the right approach in every situation. You may love breakfast in bed and would love nothing more than having your significant other serve you breakfast in bed. He or she however loves a massage right before bedtime.
A massage is meaningless to you. In your mind that would make for a crappy gesture if someone were to massage you at bedtime. But breakfast in bed is the bomb. That on the other hand is meaningful to you and you want that special person in your life to feel the joy you feel when you are served breakfast in bed.
They say different strokes for different folks and that is true. Don't focus so much on what it takes to make you happy because that will not always be the same for someone else. When you stop treating those you love the way you want to be treated and start treating them as they would want to be treated they will appreciate you so much more for it. It shows that you care enough to look to what their needs might be and how they can be met through their eyes rather than your own.
In the next blog we will talk about people who love each other differently. That may not make sense now but come back and read the blog once written and it will all come together for you.
This is the second part of a two part blog. In the first blog we considered two personality traits – sense of humor and intellect. In this final part we discuss three more.
3. Accomplished but ambitious: Do not check this box off if your date is 35 years old and living with their parents; If you pick up your date because you have to and not because you want to; if they cannot do anything until they get paid.
At thirty-five they should have emptied the nest and be living alone or in the least with a room-mate. Your date should have their own reliable transportation unless you live in an urban area with a very good mass transit system and it is common to use them rather than have a car. If they have no savings and are working as a fry cook at McDonald’s do you really want to have to cover every bill every where you take him or her just so you can do some nice things together?
If you ask them what school they went to and they inform you that they never even graduated high school let alone college then this in time can be a problem. You don’t want a situation that you become someone’s crutch because you never really know if they need you or want you. The latter rather than the former should be the reason to get together unless you are a control freak.
Even when they have done a few things with their lives they should show an interest in improving themselves. Ask them about their goals. Do they rent an apartment but want to own a home? Do they have a Bachelors Degree but want to return to school to get a Masters? Are they making ends meet but looking to be promoted or start a new career to increase their pay?
4. Honesty: They should mean what they say, say what they mean. If this date is constantly rescheduling and changing the plans around then how can you depend on them? How can you trust that when they say they will do something that they mean it, and will do it.
They also should say what they mean. If you feel they are withholding information from you that may deter you from continuing to see them, can you expect any better in a long term relationship? If they are constantly beating around the bush and can’t trust that you can handle the explicit truth this is someone you can’t expect to say what they mean.
5. Intuitive: The only intuition I expect a date to have is to the extent they understand my needs. If you are home sick with the flu and have to cancel a date, you should not have to ask for chicken soup if you want it. They should show up at your door with it and ask what more they can do to help. This is a trait that will take several dates over time to realize if it is instinctual for your date to be mindful of your needs. Naturally, you should be able to reciprocate.
These are five characteristics all your dates should have. Some may not important to you while there are other important ones not discussed here. Which ones can you think of? Let us know which and why they are important.
This blog is inspired by an e-mail I was sent three years ago this month. I was asked what I wanted out of a relationship and I rattled off a list of requirements. They are universal in appeal and I expect you’re going to want to make sure your dates meet as many of these requirements as possible. I am therefore sharing these requirements with you.
This is the first of a two part blog. In this first blog we will consider two personality traits – a sense of humor and intellect. In the second half, ambition, honesty, and intuition are considered.
1. Sense of humor: Does the date have a sense of humor. You may prefer them serious so on your check list rather then ask if he/she has a sense of humor you should be asking if he/she is serious.
You will want your date to be able to do one, if not both of two things. They should either make you laugh or laugh at your corny jokes. Don’t laugh at their jokes if you don’t find it funny or you just don’t get it. Eventually it will seriously grate on your nerves.
If you crack a few jokes and they either sit there with a poker face or they are so appalled their jaw drops open, then chances are there is a lack of sense of humor or a matching sense of humor. Now what I mean by that is that some people like practical jokes, some stupid humor, some toilet humor, and some like dirty humor.
So you may both like to joke around but if you’re tickled by different kinds of punch lines then a disconnect remains. Don’t check this box off.
2. Smart not condescending: I want my date to stimulate me mentally. However I don’t want to be talked down to. Even if your date is not deliberately trying to go over your head, if you just have no clue what they are talking about half the time, and every other word out of their mouth is three syllables or more then you risk developing an inferiority complex and resenting them for it.
This also works in reverse as well. Be sure not to try to hard to impress your date with the encyclopedia you are carrying around in your head. Rather than impress your date, he or she will feel alienated by you.
It works as it should when you are able to learn about life from your date and also feel that you can contribute as well. Your date should be able to learn from you and vice versa. The goal should be to date someone just as smart and possibly a bit smarter. Now smarts is not based on IQ alone. A person demonstrates smarts by also using common sense well.
Jealousy can be aroused over the most innocent of interactions between someone you have feelings for and a third party. Other times it can be due to something more serious – suspected infidelity. I have a suggestion as to how to deal with it in a controversial way you likely won’t go for but here me out nonetheless.
Most of us desire our significant others to remain faithful to us. Now think about why you feel that way. Any chance you may have been conditioned to think that way because it has always been promoted in society and perhaps you witnessed it among your parents? Separate that from your rationale for a moment and think about what you have left. Does anything come to mind?
If so, and you feel it to be a compelling reason then fine. That is possible. One I’d say is compelling is that it avoids being exposed to sexually transmitted diseases (STD). Yet, everyone should always try to use protection because faithfulness cannot be guaranteed or the relationship begins when STD’s are already present. If there is not much else after removing the moral’s imposed by society consider the following.
Think about all the sleep you loose and arguments you may be having that could culminate in your feeling a need to end the relationship or they may leave you because you won’t trust them. If they can be trusted, not trusting them can be very offensive to them. Why then are they being faithful? You may give them the idea that they may as well cheat because you expect they are anyway. So what is the culprit here? Is it your partner or your jealousy? Try giving them the benefit of the doubt and that should cut back on the arguments considerably.
So now you’re controlling your actions, how do you control your feelings? You still feel jealousy and it is maddening. I have an option for you but it is the controversial part of this blog and likely the most of all blogs I have written to date. Remember earlier I mentioned that we expect fidelity because that’s just the way life is. If there is more to it for you then this option will not work for you. However if that is the only motivation you can think of then I suggest you simply stop worrying about it. In fact expect it is going on. Once you accept that these things happen and can happen to you, you may learn to be more at peace with your feelings.
Don’t ask, don’t suspect, just assume but don’t make an issue of it. If nothing is going on well then so much the better! Even if it is going on, are they there for you when you need them? Are you convinced they love you? If you can answer yes to those two questions you are in very good hands. If he or she goes astray how long does that last? An hour or two? At the end of the day who are they coming home to – you!
Now I am not saying lower the standard completely. You can still set a standard that is easier to follow and gives the flexibility needed to allow the relationship to continue. Good relationships are hard to come by so count up all the other blessings and ask yourself is it worth throwing away all the invested time and love over an indiscretion?
The place to draw the line is at habitual cheating. Anyone can be tempted and seduced without any effort on their part. However, if you discover and confirm that they are putting themselves out their as someone looking for an affair then obviously this is a person who has no respect for their relationship with you as evidenced by their deliberate disregard of the commitment you have to one another.
In sum, strive for faithfulness but be flexible enough to allow for being unfaithful on seldom occasion. Is it happening a few times a year? Than he or she is not trying. Did it happen 3 or 4 years into the relationship and not again for another few years? That may be acceptable. However in the case where he or she is the one seducing another, even once is the time when you really need to consider if the relationship is worth continuing because that person has no respect for the commitment the two of you should have to another.