"I" messages do two things. Not only do they help us communicate with others, they also keep us from feeling like a victim. We have all heard of "I" messages and if you haven't, this is what an "I" message is: I feel (feeling) when (this happens or event) because (why).
"I" messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other. "You" messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack. Isn't it easier to hear someone say, "I feel worried when you don't tell me where you are and when you are going to come home because I am afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that you might be splat in the middle of some street somewhere." then to hear someone say, "Why didn't you call? You make me so mad when you don't call. How many times do I have to tell you to call me? You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn't know about it." Both are saying essentially the same thing but the first is easier to listen to.
General considerations when using "I" messages:
1. Before you make an "I" statement answer the questions:
What am I feeling?
When am I feeling it?
Why am I feeling it?
2. Use feelings words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried.
3. Use of the word "like" is also acceptable such as, "I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because my effort to clean was wasted."
4. Be specific when describing when something happened. Not when this place is a mess but rather when the towels are not picked up in the bathroom.
5. Be specific in describing why. Not because I hate picking up after you rather because I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt.
Being specific helps the listener to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about and why exactly that is. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that it happened or to question what you are talking about.
6. Avoid "You" statements such as "I feel that you...", or "You make me feel...".
Practice, practice
Learning to use "I"messages can be like learning a foreign language. In foreign languages the grammar is different. Nouns are after verbs and adjectives are after nouns so not only do you need to learn different words but also different sentence structures. As a result you are going to be stumbling over sentences for awhile. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language. Practice helps.
Men versus women
Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but don't know what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have no idea why they feel they way that they do. They just do thank you very much! In my experience couples either both are not specific about when things happen or both are very detailed about when things happen.
What do "I" messages have to do with being a victim?
"I" messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think. For example, "You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?" If I said that, my thinking would likely be: they are so thoughtless; I'm tired of yelling; nobody listens to me. I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead. I will teach my children how pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up. I might still feel mad yes but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I would feel like I was doing something about it. My "I" message might come out like this, "I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them. See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours." I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control.
Nobody makes anybody feel anything.
Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought, "Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers." I would likely thank him for giving them to me. But if I thought instead, "What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead.", then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do "I"messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim.
EVERYTHING I DO IS THE RESULT OF A CHOICE I MAKE
I forget where I found this. This says essentially a very basic foundation in therapy and that is to take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and actions.
Every choice I make benefits me positively in some way, even though I may not know what the benefit is at the moment. I have inside me everything I need and all the tools I need to guide my life successfully. I can choose to gain greater self-awareness. I am responsible for 100% of my life. The degree to which others control my life is the degree to which I allow them to control it. I can voluntarily change my feelings by changing my thoughts. I can voluntarily change my behavior. Any problem I have experienced in my life is a problem I have created for myself. If I choose to continue creating a particular problem for myself, I do it because
1) I receive some pleasure of unacknowledged benefit or payoff for continuing the problem or
2) I can avoid a greater or more fearful problem by perpetuating the current problem. In other words, if I solve the current problem, I am afraid the greater problem will occur.
These four are the most popular relationship problems I see so I will discuss these.
1. The blame game.
This one is the hardest for people to understand. It is so much easier to play the victim and blame the other person for the problems. When you learn that the behavior is appropriate in yourr partner and that the unhappiness is actually within yourself then you can stop blaming the other and start working on yourself.
2. Acceptance is the key.
This one I teach using the serenity prayer. Accept that you cannot change the other person; you can only change yourself. To try and change someone who does not want to be changed is like hitting repeatedly against a brick wall so it is time to stop the pain of trying to move a brick wall.
3. Where's the respect?
Use "I"messages. Attacking the other person only puts their defenses up and does not lead to problem solving. Once this is established and "I"messages are learned then learn basic problem solving skills.
4. Who said you have to be right all the time?
This one is fairly easy to fix. Once the couple sees how unhappy being right is causing both of them, then they give it up.