ALL FAMILY SOLUTIONS

How is your relationship working for you?

AllFamilies — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 19:24:00 GMT

Find yourself wonderng why others don't understand you or care about you?

Are you a professional Victim?

Do you wonder why others are "so sensitive?"

Often time we go through our day being unaware of how we impact the lives of others. It is a given we will step on each other accidently without meaning to (if you mean to then there is another posting necessary for mean behaviors). However how we respond to our actions and take responsibility says alot about who we are and what our character is like.

In any relationship heartfelt apologies can go a long way to bringing people together. Here is an article on developing the art of apologies.

How to Apologize

We all know what an apology is--an expression of remorse or guilt over having said or done something that is acknowledged to be hurtful or damaging, and a request for forgiveness. But we also know it can be really hard to swallow our pride and say "I'm sorry." If you have a difficult time making amends for mistakes or repairing the effects of angry words, here's how to keep your dignity while being humble, and invite forgiveness with grace.

Steps

Realize that what you did was not a good choice and probably hurt this person.
Realize that there is no excuse. Do not try to think of or offer one. An apology with an excuse is not an apology. Take full responsibility for what you did.
Decide when to apologize. Sometimes immediately after your mistake is best, sometimes not. The sting of a harsh word can be cooled right away with a quick apology, but other offenses might need the other person to cool down before they are willing to even listen to your next sentence. However, the sooner you apologize for your mistake, the more likely it will be viewed as an error in judgment and not a character flaw.
"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that."
Write your apology down. Construct a letter to the person you're apologizing to, rehearsing what you will say in person. If you don't feel comfortable with writing, then use a voice recorder. Not only will this help you remember what to say when you're face to face with them, but you can also bring the copy with you and hand it to them if you find the apology quite difficult to express. But never forget that a direct and honest apology is best. Do it face to face, if possible. A phoned, emailed or recorded apology may show a lack of sincerity and effort.
Begin the apology by naming the offense and the feelings it may have caused. Be specific about the incident so that they know exactly what you're apologizing for. Make it a point to avoid using the word "but". ("I am sorry, but..." means "I am not sorry.") Also, do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were offended." Be sorry for what you did! "I'm sorry you feel that way" makes it seem like you are blaming the other person, and is not a real apology. Validate their feelings or discomfort by acknowledging your transgression's (potential) effects, while taking responsiblity:
- "Boss, I'm sorry I'm late again, I know my shift started 10 minutes ago. I hope this doesn't complicate your day."
- "Dear, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday - there's no excuse. I hope you don't feel neglected, please let me set this right."
"This is an explanation, not an excuse. There is no excuse."
Make amends. Think about what caused you to make the offense. Is it because you're a little too laid back about being on time, or remembering important dates? Is it because you tend to react instantly to certain comments, without pausing to consider an alternative point of view? Is it because you are unhappy with your life, and you unknowingly take it out on others? Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person (as an explanation, not an excuse), and tell them what you intend to do to rectify that problem so that you can avoid this mistake in the future:
- "I snapped at you because I've been so stressed out with work lately, and it's selfish of me to take it out on you. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to cut down my hours to X per week. I really think it'll help me unwind, and help us spend more quality time together."
- "I've been distant and cold because I get paranoid that you're going to walk out on me because I don't have a job. But that's a terrible thing to do. Look, here's a list of things I'm going to do to find a job ASAP..."
Express your appreciation for the role that they play in your life, emphasizing that you do not want to jeopardize or damage the relationship. This is the time to briefly recount what has created and sustained the bond over time and tell loved ones that they are indeed loved. Describe what your life would be missing without their trust and their company.
Ask if they will give you another chance to make up for what you did wrong. Tell them you'd love to show them that you've learned from your mistake, and that you will take action to change and grow as a result, if they will let you. Make a clear request for forgiveness and wait for their answer. This gives the injured party the well deserved "power" in determining the outcome of the situation.
Be understanding. If an apology is not accepted, thank them for hearing you out and leave the door open if they wish to reconcile later.
- "I understand you're still upset about it, but thanks for giving me the chance to apologize. If you ever change your mind, please give me a call.
If you are lucky enough for your apology to be accepted, avoid the temptation to throw in a few excuses at the end. Instead, have a transition planned out beforehand for what you can do to solidify the clean slate.
- "Let's go get some coffee and catch up. It'll be my treat. I miss knowing what you're up to."
Be patient. Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn't mean they've fully forgiven you. It can take time, maybe a long time, before the injured party can completely let go and fully trust you again. There is little you can do to speed this process up, but there are endless ways to bog it down. If the person is truly important to you, it's worth it to give them the time and space they need to heal.
Stick to your word. This is every bit as important as every other step. A true apology entails a resolution, and you have to carry out your promise in order for the apology to be sincere and complete. Otherwise, your apologies will lose their meaning, and trust may disappear beyond the point of no return.

Tips

One on one.
If you can, pull the person aside so that you can apologize while you're alone. Not only will this reduce the likelihood of other people influencing the person's decision, but it will also make you a little less nervous. However, if you insulted the person publicly and made him/her lose face, your apology is much more effective if done publicly.
Use relaxed and humble body language. Keeping your arms crossed or pointing fingers will put the other person on the defensive.
If the person is willing to talk to you about making amends, see this as an opportunity. If you've forgotten your wife's birthday, for instance, you might decide to celebrate another night and make it extra wonderful and romantic. This won't relieve you of responsibility for remembering the next important occasion, of course, but it will show that you're willing to take special time and effort.
One apology will often cause another, either from you for something else you realized you are sorry for, or from the other person because they realize the conflict was mutual. Be prepared to forgive.
A proper apology is always about the injured party. Keep your apology focused on the actual wrong done, and the recipient.
Don't keep asking if he or she is mad at you. This puts the focus back on you, and makes you sound impatient and selfish. Just as it takes time to heal, it can take time to forgive.
DO NOT apologize through a text message, e-mail, or over an instant message chat session. It's best to do this in person, or over the phone if necessary.

Warnings

Sometimes attempted apologies turn into a rehash of the same argument you wanted to amend. Be very careful not to re-argue any topics or open any old wounds.
Don't be too surprised (or suspicious) if you are forgiven. Take people at their word, just like they took your apology.
Don't apologize unless you really mean it. You can spot a false apologies from a mile away, and so can others.
Even if you feel that the conflict was partly because of the other person's miscommunication, do not say so in the middle of your apology. At most, mention briefly that the other person can help you avoid misunderstandings by reminding you when you step out of line, and apologize again for the hurt you caused.
Do not talk about about how bad you feel. The apology is not about your guilt, your shame, your fear of rejection, your anxiety or your loneliness while waiting to be forgiven. It is about the other person - remember that, even if it seems to be taking them a long time to forgive you.
Never assume that the injured party is "punishing" you by taking time to forgive you, but watch for warning signs that they will hold a grudge forever. If you hear the words "I'm not going to let you forget this," or "I'll be your friend again, but this will change our friendship forever," listen to your gut, and consider letting the relationship go.
NEVER think negatively about the situation. A little positive attitude can assist you in apologizing and can give you the hope of actually being forgiven.

From Wikihow/aplogies

Potty Training

AllFamilies — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 19:10:00 GMT

Audrianna
Category:	Babies/Toddlers

Subject:	14 month old son pottying
Question:	i have been wondering whether or not to start potty training my 14 month old son. Whenever he has to pee h yells to get my attention and grabs at his diaper. just today i was in the kitchen and i heard him yelling to get my attention.... well i peeked around the corner and he had his diaper off handed it to me and was pointing and yelling at a piece of poop on the floor. so i am wondering if he is giving me cues that he is ready to use a potty. thank you
Answer:	Dear Audrianna: Please do trust your instincts as they are very good. YES a child who shows this much interest and engages you in his bathroom routine is trying to get your attention. I would not push it, just get a little potty chair and show him how to use it, even get a little baby book on going potty (there are lots of them now) and do a song with his name in it. (Johnny is going to the potty, potty, potty, Johnny is going to the potty, potty, potty. You get the drift.) Kids love sing song games and it really helps them to not fear the whole process. It is very important not to show any disappointment or disapproval when he has an accident. Only show positive attention for positive behavior. Realize to that sometimes children show an interest early on and then later don't want to be bothered. Just take your time and have fun with him! Kay Live Advice 1-888-INGENIO 0380074 http://www.ingenio.com/Family_Solutionsinc

Teen Limitations

AllFamilies — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 19:05:00 GMT


Question:	Hi and thank you for being a part of this site. You really caught my interest about teens and toddlers. I have 4 boys that are 14, 3, 2, and 7 months. My question is about my teen. He is going into 10th grade. He failed 3 of the 4 major courses in 9th and then failed 1 of the 2 courses in summer school. He has made new friends and I am happy about his choices. My issues are his grades, his talking back and his lack of responsibility for anything. I do not think he drinks or smokes or has sex. Recently he has been hanging out more and wanting more freedom. I don't know what rules and responsibilities are reasonable at this age. My husband thinks I am hard on him but I don't agree. He doesn't have any chores and is failing school. I decided he is no longer allowed to sleep out b/c I am almost positive the one boy does not have a curfew and is not monitored at all. With the new school year coming I want us to come up with a balanced family plan to help him succeed. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated! Thank you, KC
Answer:	Dear KC: Yes, his pulling away from his family is a normal response of teens. However, have you asked him what is up with his grades? How does he respond? Remember to really listen sometimes you have to read between the lines. Sometimes learning challenges do not show up until later in junior high and early in high school. Maybe have him screened for a learning challenge. If there is nothing wrong then he needs more motivation for doing well than not doing well. Find out what motivates him and plug incentives into his activities. Best Wishes! Kay

Are you sucessful in relationships?

AllFamilies — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 20:39:00 GMT

Many people call me and claim to be "unlucky" in love. What they do not realize is they are receiving exactly what they are asking for to be unlucky in love. Many of these people have learned they are helpless in taking action to change their life or the outcomes in their lives.

Learned helplessness brings about permanence (it has always been this way it will continue to be this way), personalization (it is me, I am the reason I am so unlucky) and pervasiveness (generalization - I am just not a lucky person in any area of my life). This type of a personal belief system is all about giving ones power away!

Now why would someone choose to live his or her life this way? Why would you choose to live your life this way instead of reaching for happiness? There are so payoffs for believing you cannot be happy. By giving power away, a person can be a victim, feel entitled to more and wait to be rescued. Realize none of the three beliefs brings about personal responsibility. All three lead a person to the VERBs in their life. Victimization, entitlement, rescue, blame someone else and none of them are I focused. People often continue in these modes of thinking and being for long periods, some never come to realize they have the personal power to change their lives to be happy. If someone mentions to them that they can change their life, they become very JADED. Justify, Argue, Defend and/or Explain why they are the way they are, or why their lives are this way.

Many times people act out trying to become happy with their life or themselves. They try to buy happiness (spending and debting addictions) seek happiness through pleasure (food, sex, drug and alcohol addictions), force happiness by trying to overcome their weaknesses (workaholism). They fall into worldly TRAPs.

TRAPs such as Power, Perfectionism, Control, Status, and Possessions. The problem is once we adapt to our pleasures or distractions by becoming accustomed to them, they lose their power to please us. These pleasures such as feasting, intoxicants, dancing, music, stories, sex, work success, material gain, and money eventually become mundane and dead. They only cover up our darkest fears of not being enough or having enough.

Instead, feelings of love, courage and optimism are actions, which produce a life of happiness and joy.

1. Love someone else - wholeheartedly, for the simple joy of loving.

2. Optimism - what hurts us or pleases also teaches us about life, about ourselves.

3. Courage - moving into the next moment even when we do not know what lies ahead.

4. Freedom - we have freedom in each moment to make a choice.

5. Pro-activity - Do not wait for someone else to make you happy, be pro-active in living each moment, each day.

6. Security - security comes from liking who you are and what you can do!

7. Health - express your feelings, find your words, live each moment making the best choices for your body, your heart, yourself.

8. Spirituality - be concerned about your fellowman and what you can contribute to the world. Connect each day with the source of your spiritual life.

9. Perspective. Realize there are always opposite sides to an opinion a belief, put life into perspective, don't sweat the small stuff, worry doesn't change anything it only gives you something worthless to do, change the way you see things or think about them. Learn to give thanks in all that you do and receive.

10. Altruism - get outside of yourself. Do something each day for others without any expectation of receiving anything in return.

11. Humor - Learn to laugh at life, laugh at yourself, and laugh at the sheer joy of being in each moment.

12. Purpose - know you are hear for a reason....to BE you!

Remember to appreciate each moment of your life. Even in loss, you can appreciate the preciousness of life.

Remember to appreciate, make choices, respect your personal power, lead with your strengths, use your words at work, in relationships and to keep you healthy, realize life is multi-dimensional.

When pain comes remember it will also bring joy. You have to be ready to receive Joy. If you can only receive pain then all you will know is pain. Let Joy come to you, reside with you, and be with you. You deserve a full and wonderful life.

When you are here, you will attract someone else who can appreciate you for the truly wonderful human being you are!

Kay

Sex or Money! Most couples say the broke up because of ....

AllFamilies — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 19:35:00 GMT

...conflict about sex and/or money!

What really breaks people up is the inability to talk about sex and/or money! Communication and unrealistic expectations of others and ourselves are what really ruin relationships.

So in the upcoming weeks, let's discuss both of these. Post your questions here and let's talk about it in a forum that is non-threatening. This can be as confidential and as anonymous as you would like it to be.

Sex or Money? Which is it for you?

Kay

Grandma use to ask: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

AllFamilies — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 18:39:00 GMT

Two common mistakes people make in relationships are holding unspoken expectations and the need to be right! Let's deal first with the need to be right.

Are you a person who always has to be right in the discussion? Do you need to win every argument or disagreement? If so, then you have come to the right blog!

Why is the need to be right such a relationship killer? Well if you are always right then where does that leave your partner? They are always wrong. Is this really possible? Are you really so perfect that you are always right and the person who loves you, who you have chosen to be with is always wrong? Are they really that big of a loser? Then why are you with this person?

My point is, if you are always right then you leave the other person in the relationship feeling as if they are a loser. Who wants to be with or live with someone who sees them as a loser or makes them feel less than wonderful when they are around them? Being right all the time has consequences, it diminishes the joy in the relationship. Therefore, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. Really being right all the time does not bring happiness into your life because those high standards are standards you probably apply to yourself as well. What happens when you do make a mistake or are wrong about something? Are you able to feel good about yourself or do you feel like a loser?

If you are thinking, "but I am only happy when I am right. If I am not right then I can't be happy!" Think again. If you are ONLY happy when you are RIGHT then you are not happy in all the in between times of being right! Who wants their happiness based upon an external event! Happiness is something you can cultivate on a moment-to-moment basis and not allow it to be fleeting such as when you are right and someone else is wrong.

What my grandma was getting to is there is truth and agreement in all things. I can find away to agree with someone without having to discount, discredit and minimize everything they say. If someone attacks me and says, "you are lazy!" I can respond to them by saying, "well I probably could do more around the house." It does not mean because I agreed with them that I totally agree with them and they are 100% right, it only means that I am human and because I am human there is always room for improvement. Whether or not I choose to change this is totally up to me.

If you are in a relationship and you value this relationship however, you have a need to be right try and find areas in which you can compromise. Not all areas, just some areas. No one is passionate about every idea, every topic, and every conversation 100% of the time. So set down and figure out what your deal breakers are for you.

For instance, I can compromise to a point on what movies I go to see. I do not have to see the one I want each time. I can say hey I picked last time you pick this time, etc....my deal breakers are extreme violence and sci-fi which I would rather stay home and do the dishes...however there are many other types of movies I would go to see with someone that would not have been my first choice.

If it is politics, you are in disagreement rather than having to be right (people who are comfortable about their beliefs do not have to defend them anyway) hear the other person out and let them state their views without your judgments, onions, or commentaries. LISTENING does not mean you AGREE or are WRONG. It only means you know how to show respect to others regardless of whether or not you agree. Very few things in life are 100% for sure except maybe gravity.

So just for today, ask yourself in all of your relationships, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" The choice is yours.

Sincerely,

Kay

Happy relationships make for more secure children!

AllFamilies — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 17:20:00 GMT

Children do not remember what you say unless they see you do what you say. Children will learn how to feel about themselves by watching & copying you. You are their authority on life. What you do. they will do. This includes how they see themselves, (self perceptions & self esteem), and how they relate to others (relationship skills), and how they see others (respect).

The follwing reading is probably one of the most critical in parenting and/or caretaking of young children. They need permission, as do most of us adults, to take care of themselves first. They need to know this is not selfishness it is self care! Enjoy, comment, write me, call me, I welcome your feedback! Kay

SELF CARE!

Anyone who has ever flown on an airplane knows that part of the safety demonstration given before the plane takes off is about placing the oxygen masks over your own face before you help someone else. It is only common sense that we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy enough emotionally, physically and spiritually. Being all we can be is the greatest gift we can give another person.

Often when people call me, they ask me how they can get out of a bad or unhealthy situation or relationship. They are often surprised with my response. I tell them they are asking the wrong question. The right question is how can I begin to take care of myself?

Having an understanding of sexual predators, violent offenders and other deviant behaviors human beings can be capable of when they are in a spiritually deprived state, I also understand how others who lack a strong value system target people.

One of the best emotional "vaccinations" you can give yourself is to make yourself a priority in your own life. When you meet your own physical needs for nutrition, your own financial needs for financial responsibility, and your own emotional needs by determining how you will allow others to treat you, your own priorities by identifying your own value system and setting boundaries with others, you will repel others who want to take advantage of people, who want to abuse others. Abusive people need unconscious or conscious permission to abuse another. Because they need cooperation in these types of relationships when you are making yourself a priority in the relationship they are not interested in you!

If you are in a challenging relationship with someone who does not meet your needs and you begin to meet them yourself, you begin to take responsibility for your own happiness. Your happiness is a daily choice (for most of us it is a moment-to-moment choice) that only you can make for yourself. If you are looking for happiness through another person, your significant other, or your children, you will not find happiness.

People are people and we are each uniquely different that is why we have individual fingerprints and DNA and our bodies even carry markers of where we have been in our lives and been exposed to in our life experiences. Putting our happiness outside of ourselves an onto someone else is setting ourselves up for eventual disappointments because other people are human and make mistakes or choose differently than we think we would have chosen.

None of us the power to make another person happy unless they seek control over us. People who are happy when we do what they want us to are not putting our happiness first they are putting their own ahead of anyone else without regard to what we want or need. This is true SELFISHNESS.

At the same time, no one can make you happy, as this would mean you had total control over him or her as well. Definitely not good for your own growth and best interest. Finding out what makes you happy is a life experience that takes us through our life span. Finding out what makes you happy also allows you to explore and find aspects and strengths you may not have recognized before or appreciated before.

When you wake up in the morning, ask yourself what do I need today? How can I take care of myself today?

Do you take breaks at work?
Do you take a vacation and allow yourself down time?
Do you find time in your day to be alone and recharge?
Do you focus more on what other people are thinking or value your own opinion more?
Do you spend your time worrying about others so much your life is on hold?
Do you think you have the answers for other people’s problems and life would be much better if only they would listen?
Do you experience disappointments in life or in regards to other people?

If you answered questions 1-3 with a no and questions 4-7 with a yes, it is time to give me a call.

I recovered and so can you!

Kay

Why talk about adolescents or teens?

AllFamilies — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 18:54:00 GMT

What do you like about this subject? Teens! I love to talk with parents about teenagers because they are the most misunderstood of all the child developmental stages. It is so incredibly easy to get parents and teens back on track with each other and so very rewarding!

What do you still hope to achieve/learn in this field? I am completing a PhD in Family Relations and I truly want to leave parents with skills to enhance communication skills between them and their children. These communication skills not only enhance the present bonding and love, it carries them through the adult child's life! I love bringing families closer together.

Something interesting about this subject that others may not know: Teenagers will often give off signals like they are not listening to you and indeed they are absorbing every word and action they hear and see! Don't pay attention to the body language when you are talking to a teen, they are trying hard not to be read, as they are vulnerable and need to seperate from you. It is the developmental task of a teen.

Something controversial or provocative about this subject Hmmm, this is not a popular concept, however, when parents and teens are having problems it is often because this time of seperation has snuck upon the parents and they were expecting it much later. Teens start the seperation process as young as 10 or 11 years of age! Parents are often unaware of their own grieving and bereavement as their child is no longer a baby.

Also, realize teens really take an emotional hit in our country. The messages we send out as a society are that we believe teens are bad. We often don't see teens on television unless they have committed some horrific crime. Many teens do wonderful things everyday however our society almost seems to fear teens. I believe it is because they are in between.

Teens are inn between being children and adults and it is us, as a society, that do not know how to treat teens or deal with them. We like everything cut and dried and small children are obviously helpless. Teens however are in the process of becoming independent and do so first by maturing physically. Their fluxing emotions and their gaining physical strength is often intimidating to us adults, especially as we age and lose our strength.

What you don't know about your teen is they still need you as much as the day they were born, they just need you differently now. This is what we shall discuss in the following chapter of this blog.

Kay

My Blog

AllFamilies — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 09:35:00 GMT

Hello, my name is Kay. Welcome to my blog!

I will be posting topics each week under the categories listed on the left side of the page, scroll down to the middle of the page and look to your left.

These topics are the most commonly asked questions & answers that others have asked me. I have answered calls from many people just like yourself who have rated my services highly after each call.

I have answered questions regarding babies, toddlers, teens, adult children, children with parents who are aging, grandparents raising grandchildren, single parents, foster parents, adoptive parents and the list goes on...

Please feel free to post comments, questions and make suggestions for new topics.

If your questions are too personal I will suggest you call me and we speak in person. Ingenio gives all new customers 5 FREE minutes and I send out free minutes to each customer who completes a call.

Please remember to leave a rating and/or comments after each call so others will know how they too can benefit from my services.

I look forward to being of service to you!

Kay