Anthony J. Iantosca, BCFE
Part Three (3)
Remember there are two
types of confidence, there is confidence in ones function and there is
confidence in me, myself and I. Confidence in
function is what he/she does for a living. They could be very confident in what
they do, after of years of doing the same thing over and over they become
confident. Repetition in ones function increases
I do not pay attention
to confidence in their function. I pay attention to the confidence and self
esteem a personality has in the me, myself and I. Many times people mistake the
person's confidence in function as being confident in themselves. Nothing could
be further from the truth. The emotional vampire and highly insecure/fear based
personality attempts to roll the confidence they have in function onto
themselves in an attempt to fool you.
They want you to
believe you are getting a confident personality with good self esteem. They over
compensate for their lack of true self esteem by being arrogant and haughty.
They have their act down to a science. Do not pay attention what a person does
for a living, what type of car they have, how much money they flash around. Pay
close attention to how they act. How they treat others, and are they consistent
in the behavior over an extended period of time.
times when I profile a personality, the traits and behavior patterns I detect,
identify, analyze and evaluate will not always be expressed right away. These
behavior patterns will manifest themselves later into the relationship. I will
tell you what you can expect when emotion comes onto play and their logic and
self control gets high jacked by their emotions. Many of the insecure
personalities I have profiled will use covert tactics to manipulate and control
their target. Such as and not limited to;
Gas lighting (making
you second guess your perception of the facts and
(punish you when they don't get their way) this punishment can be very covert.
Not being on time for an important meeting, not having dinner on the table when
you are coming home with a guest, going for a night out and all of a sudden
he/she is gets sick.
It could also be shown
in very overt ways, out right aggression and physical abuse when they feel you
are not going to give them their way or do as they want.
behavior, (never talking to you in an adult manner over what is troubling them,
they use their aggression and anger in covert ways) to undermine you. Never
being on time, not calling when they say they will, and never following through
on tasks or promises when they are triggered. Forgetting things you wanted them
to do or needed them to do for you.
Silent treatment game
is (passive aggressive) All of a sudden they won't talk to you, answer your
texts, e-mails or your phone calls. If you are living with them he/she will just
sit there and make believe you do not exist. You feel alienated, cast aside.
Abandoned. And it doesn't seem like they care at all. Or worse, they seem to get
enjoyment when they know how this is affecting you.
behavior, is (passive aggressive) this is a favored tactic of the insecure and
fear based personality. I am leaving you game, I am not that interested in you
game, I could take you or leave you game. They stop texting or calling as much.
Deception and lying,
is a conscious act to deceive or mislead the target, doing so deliberately.
Deception is called an (escape trait). People who lie can choose not to lie.
Those who do lie, know they are lying. There are two ways to lie, to (conceal)
or to (falsify). In (concealment) the deceiver leaves out important information
without saying anything untrue called (lying by omission). When the deceiver
(falsifies), this is a two step process. The deceiver withholds true information
and also will presents false information as if it were true. Why do people lie,
there are many reasons, some of the reasons are to avoid punishment or
censure for a crime or act, to avoid being rejected, ridiculed, criticized, to
avoid being humiliated or losing face, as some may call it. Some may lie or
embellish on a story for attention seeking or to appear more important than they
really are in reality. A form of (ego protection). When you ask questions do
they answer you in a straight forward manner? When a person is being truthful
with nothing to hide every question you ask carries the same weight.
their insecurities on to you. You must be cheating on me, you lie all the time,
you are just being jealous, when you are not.
identification, differs from simple projection in that projective identification
can become a self-fulfilling
prophecy, whereby a person, believing something false about another,
influences or coerces that other person to carry out that precise projection. In
extreme cases, the recipient may lose any sense of their real self and become
reduced to the passive carriers of outside projections, as if possessed by
this behavior pattern is when the abuser becomes the rescuer and the rescuer
becomes the abuser. Called (intermittent reinforcement). This behavior pattern
is very insidious and has the abused longing for the highs and fearing the lows.
Both of these strong emotions release dopamine in the brain. This
neurotransmitter is very addictive to the cells it docks onto. It is
responsible for learning, memory, and wanting you to crave things more, the
addiction. This addiction can be a chemical addiction (to a drug) or behavioral
addiction (to a behavior).
You must remember the
cells in the brain do not look at a peptide as being a positive peptide or a
negative peptide. The cells get hooked on the intensity of the
For people interring a
disappearing act, they are never able to see you on the weekends. They have a
family engagement, they have to work overtime, their pet gold fish died, etc.
Be suspicious when he/she can only see you on certain days during the week. Also
when having a texting conversation did they break the conversation off suddenly.
Also be suspicious when they never want to call you and only text or when you
call them and they never answer the phone and always call you back later. Be on
guard for very equivocal text messages and a quick change in
Examples: Hi where are
you? "Out with some friends, hay how was your day?"
Who was out? The word
"with" shows distance, "some friends" is a way to hide their identity. "how was
your day" a quick change in language off the topic of your
Just as they do in person, deceptive people will take advantage of any
opportunity they can to change the subject from their lie. Fortunately in text,
it's a little more obvious.
Be skeptical when
someone tries to distance themselves from the story. A common way to do this is
to avoid the use of personal pronouns such as "I" and "we." Additionally, liars
may distance other people from the story in an attempt to hide their identity,
referring to them as "some people" or "some friends."
Lying is uncomfortable for everyone involved. Most liars don't want to fully
commit to a lie and will often use noncommittal language. Popular noncommittal
phrases include "I guess," "possibly or probably," "must have," "pretty sure,"
and "we'll see."
people set up their lies with qualifying statements. These statements show that
the liar is uncomfortable with what they're about to say. Some examples include,
"I hate to tell you," "don't take this the wrong way," "to be honest," "I'm just
saying," and "I hear what you're saying."
Love bombing, he/she
comes in hot and heavy very quickly. They have found the man or woman of their
dreams, want sex quickly. They give you non stop attention and affection that is
a little to much for the amount of time you have spent together. Once they have
you on the emotional hook the games begin.
will use the same tactics on you that work on them. These personalities could be
a new love interest, a family member, friends or co worker. They are relying on
your possible fear of abandonment and insecurities. They want you to chase them
and do what ever they want. So they will not walk away from you, this is what
they want you to believe. The problem arises when you see through their little
game playing tactic and say ok, "walk."
You must become a
competent observer not only of your environment but also the people you are
bringing into your life. Pay close attention to how they treat and talk to other
people, how they act when they have had a few drinks, this is a very important
behavior pattern to pay close attention to. Remember, when a personality is
drunk or a little tipsy, what you are seeing is the real personality. Their
logical side or rational/thinking brain (neo cortex) is being reduced and their
emotional (limbic brain) their wants, needs and desires will start to be
expressed. How do they keep their house, is it clean? Their car, is it clean?
Who do they associate with? Birds of a feather will flock together. Do they talk
the talk and walk the walk. Will they take the easy way out when life gets
difficult? Do they have a tendency to always blame life or other people for
their problems? Do they keep their word? The most important behavior pattern to
watch for, do these personalities act they same behind close doors as they do
when in public and people are watching.
The fear based
insecure personality works, thinks and will act differently from a confident
The fear based
insecure/jealous personality will be happy when you are down and having
difficulties. They may express they want to help and be there for you, they are
enjoying the fact that you are miserable under the smoke screen of wanting to
help you. As soon as you start becoming stronger they will hate you for your
inner strength. When you get back on your feet and are succeeding in your goals
or life dreams, you will see a complete change in their attitude and behavior
towards you. The true lover/friend and confident personality will help you when
you are down and be very happy for you when you are back on your feet. Their
attitude and behavior will remain consistent towards you. Confident
personalities want you happy and to succeed. The insecure do not.