In Search of Contentment within Relationships

Discussions concerning Life challenges and Relationship issues


BE PRESENT AND PROSPER...

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder; however it also opens up the door to infidelity.

Being present in any relationship creates the security needed for a healthy foundation. A healthy realtionship is based on a partnership. If the partnership is lacking physical presence, it is lacking emotionally as well. When emotions begin to be affected, it is human nature for one to seek others to fulfill that need. Not that cheating should be commended, however it could be avoided by not only being present, but making your presence count.

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Most of us feel we are good listeners. A good listener is more than just being quiet while the other person is talking. Realize that, as the listener, you are being judged by the person talking.

You are being judged in various ways:
* By your eye contact
* By your ability not to be distracted
* By your body language
* By your facial expressions
* Most of all... by your response to what is being said.

If you can quote (verbatim) what the other person is saying, it doesn't mean you are listening from the heart. It may be that you are good at multi-tasking with your mind. Your thought process may have the ability to be several places at the same time while in the midst of occupying "conversation". The person talking can definitely sense your distance. A quick, "uh huh" or an "I see", while your eyes are wondering off in another direction is no indication that you are actively listening.

Having good listening tactics should be at the top of your list if you desire a healthy/loving relationship. It makes your partner feel that you are genuinely there for them; you are concerned; you care; and you love them. As a listener from the heart, try repeating key words they've said and ask responsive as well as lead-in questions. You will find that these small gestures can go a long way. If you are not willing to work on your listening skills, your partner will find someone else who is a willing listener. The end result will be your relationship gradually drifting apart.

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When meeting a potential companion for the first time, you want to give the right impression. If you enter into it with intentions of gaining a friendship, that's the way it will remain. Be sure to send signals catering to your initial intent. If you send the wrong signals, it’s difficult to turn them around. Chemistry and sparks are usually felt in the beginning. You have the ability to turn the signals on or off based on the mind frame you are in. Use that ability to your advantage. If your intentions are to gain a romantic attraction, then enter the meeting with an open mind and allow your attraction to blossom. Your potential companion will feel it as well; and hopefully reciprocate.

We are all looking for the best friend/lover/partner in life. I like to reference this concept to the 3 “C’s”: COMPANION, CONFIDANT, and CUDDLE BUDDY. The companion is someone you are compatible with; who is your best friend. Someone with a similar lifestyle, morals/values, goals and who enjoys similar activities. The confidant is someone you can confide in for both the turmoil and triumphs in life. The cuddle buddy is the one of which you are romantic and intimate with.

Think about it… if we just want a friend in our lives, why are we seeking that “friendship” in the opposite sex? GET REAL WITH YOURSELF! Our internal intentions lay in the hopes of finding that ideal mate … even beyond “friends with benefits”.

My suggestion is: If you feel the attraction right away, let your flirty juices flow. Let the chemistry happen. If you don’t reveal it, the so called “friend” will find chemistry elsewhere and you will lose out. You may find yourself helping your “friend” prepare for his/her date with someone else.

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It is a known fact that, “Cheaters never win”. Whether you are playing a sports event, a board game, or whether you are cheating on a test - the reality is that you did not win by your talent or skill alone. You may have won visibly but internally, within your heart, you know that you have done wrong. Cheating is like an addiction. As long as you see yourself getting away with it, you will continue to do it until you get caught. Once he’s caught, an addict tries to cover up or justify his actions. In the long-run it doesn’t work, so therefore he loses.
Hence, “Cheaters never win”.

So if you are thinking about cheating, think again.

Cheating is a temporary fix resulting in permanent damage.

The same applies to relationship cheating.

WHY CHEAT?

People have many different reasons for cheating in a relationship. For example:

1. Some cheaters may not be happy in their current relationship.
2. Some cheaters may be seeking more of a variety within their relationship.
3. Some cheaters may just give in to temptation.

For whatever reason, cheaters think that cheating can be hidden from their mate.

If you are a cheater, consider the fact that there are two parties involved in the cheating . . . you and your cheating partner. You may not be the one to tell your mate about your infidelity, but your cheating partner will. He/she will get tired of being second in line to your mate.

Every participant in a relationship wants to feel special. You may be able to get away with cheating for a certain length of time, but eventually the affair will reveal itself.

THE CHEATING PLAN:

People plan on cheating with the intent of not getting caught. If caught, they devise a plan to lie about the incident. However, the truth will come out.

CONSEQUENCES OF CHEATING:

1. Cheating will destroy the trust in your current relationship.
2. Cheating will break up the family unit if children are involved.
3. Cheating will ruin the dynamics of your relationship never to recover.

ADVICE:

If you feel your relationship is going sour, then either work on it or get out of it. If there are kids involved, it may be worth trying to work on it. If you are already in a good relationship, but have run into a dry spot, don’t feed into temptation. Discuss it with your mate in a non-accusatory manner to work it out.

As previously mentioned, cheating is a temporary fix resulting in permanent damage. First you have to determine what you are trying to fix and then realize it is not worth the permanent damage.

Most cheaters do not stay with the person they are cheating with; so it is not worth the risk of losing the relationship you’ve built over an extensive length of time.
What does it mean to be jealous while in a relationship? The term "jealous" may not always be the correct term in certain instances. If a woman is called jealous, it is assumed that she thinks another woman is better than her... looks better, has a better career, a better personality or a better sex appeal. What if the other woman is simply flaunting herself in front of your man with every intention of gaining his attention and causing havoc within your relationship bond? Is it considered jealousy then?

If the woman - within the relationship - has confidence in herself and does not feel that this "flaunter" is better than her, it is not considered jealousy. Whether a woman is secure or insecure, in a trusting relationship or not, what woman is ok with another woman flaunting herself around her man? Even if she feels her man will have no interest, the intent behind it is disturbing. If she has a solid relationship with her man, she knows that he will not feed into it. It is "his" responsibility to put the flaunter in her place.

If a man is feeding into this attention, but claims he's not interested, this will cause his woman to "appear" jealous. Realistically, she doesn't want to be made a fool of. If he shuts it down right away, the flaunter will be made to look like the fool instead. If he doesn't shut it down, then he's giving the flaunter permission to continue to pursue. Not only is he sending the message to the flaunter that he is interested, he is sending the message to his woman that he is interested. She is left to wonder if he is eventually going to give in to the flaunter without her knowing. This is not jealousy; it is a legitimate concern. The concern turns to anger and resentment. Then somehow, your woman is made to seem like the problem. This type of concern will ruin the dynamic within the relationship. It will, in turn, cause the relationship to experience separation issues emotionally and physically. Hence, the "flaunter" wins! Which was her ploy of intent from the beginning. The sad thing is that she doesn't realize that she is revealing her insecurity by her need to flaunt. She gains her confidence by stealing the attention of someone else's man and eventually ruining a relationship.

A woman does not want to feel as though she is not good enough or taken for granted. Ignoring her quest for understanding her feelings on this issue will cause her to feel used, neglected, unappreciated, or invaluable. The man must decide who is more important, the flaunter or his woman?

Don't assume that it's just jealousy. Realize that it's much deeper than that and you can control and prevent it.
A woman who dates married men is setting herself up for failure. She is showing her vulnerability and appearing to be desperate. Her intent is to feel wanted and desired by a man at any cost. The results of her actions lead to irreparable damage to all parties including herself, the cheating husband and the wife.

Mistresses are insecure women who need a man to feel empowered. They think that they are boosting their ego by stealing someone's husband, when in reality, they are showing their insecurity. They are being disrespectful to themselves as well as the sanctity of marriage.

A mistress feels that she can give more to the man than his wife. She doesn't realize that most men won't leave their wives for her. The husband has no respect for the mistress or his wife. He will use her for as long as she will let him. In essence, he is cheating on her as well as his wife.

Eventually, when the mistress gets tired of being used, she will find a way to tell the wife. If his wife leaves him, he will cheat on the mistress the same way. In the end, her efforts have failed.
A false promise is created with good intention. The idea is to tell your partner what you think they want to hear. It is an attempt to appease your partner for the moment. It may initially be meant to satisfy a concern or request. Making your partner feel that you have a quick way of handling the situation. It is an opportunity to assure that you will follow through with the request.

When you fail to hold to your promise, it causes a lack of trust. Ok, fine. . . . An unfortunate occurrence may have arose to prevent you from upholding to your promise. That would warrant a forgiveness. However, if there becomes a pattern of false promises, then the excuses wear out.

If you are tempted to make a promise that you may not be able to fulfill, try offering the "possibility" of completing the request instead. Then let them know that you will keep them posted. But, once again, don't "promise" to keep them posted, then not comply. In that case, the cycle will regenerate.
Feeling Content in a relationship allows a partners to:

* Enjoy life together
* Be themselves - allow their full personality to flourish
* Be open emotionally
* Be sensual and passionate with eachother
* Be non-restrictive with expressing love
* Be trusting and trustworthy
* Be giving
* Share goals and aspirations
* Be faithful